friday dating: 2006 and beyond

well, it's almost that time. you'll be in a semi sparkely top (unless you have a dong, please), you'll be drunk on some mix of coors light, vodka cranberries and southern comfort and as everyone knows, since it will be new years eve, you'll be ready to french. there are a few things you're going to keep at the forefront of your mind, through that boozey haze, if you want to nab yourself a midnight frenching partner. afterall, it's the one minute (literally) of the entire year where you can just grab someone and make the shit out of their face without it being weird, slutty or overtly forward.

1. first of all, play that mother cool. i mean, just don't worry too much. if all else fails, you'll end up frenching all of your either same sex friends (if your a girl of any orientation) or female friends (if you're a gay guy) or a really random and very drunk stranger (if you're a straight guy).

2. in playing it cool, you must be a floater. don't commit to one table, one bar stool, one area of the party. keep moving. it's never too late to switch to a new prospective make out partner. keep your eyes out for someone who is on a similar prowl and make sure you're within about 2 feet of them at about 11:58pm.

3. start the flirtation early in the night. nothing heavy. no need for lots of conversation. maybe start off buy finding a cute person and buying them a shot. then take off. come back in an hour or so for another. laugh a lot but don't talk. just laugh and drink. don't over think it.

4. when the countdown begins, don't go roving for any heavy eye contact with the object of your desire. hug friends, count loudly, act non chalant and if you must, casually kiss someone else first. then move in for a hug, quickly transition that into a world class french fest. know what i mean?

5. afterwards, don't assume that you're going to have a bed buddy. your mission was clear: tongue at midnight. don't get all greedy.

and lastly, happy new year, bitches.

wolf like me

i don't have cable, so when i get the chance to house sit for my cabled friends, i get really excited. i wake up in the morning and flip that shit on as soon as i can. instead of watching something very mind fulfilling like cnn or the weather channel, this morning i went straight for mtv. you know, so i could get knowed up on what the kids are into these days. i found out that davey havok from afi wears fake eyelashes in the snow, jay-z is a race car driver and that winners of america's next top model actually DO get work after the show is over.

first of all, this video rules and the song is one of my favorites in quite some time. secondly, did you see naima?

last thing. i found out that blogger isn't letting unibloggal be a part of "erin is gross" anymore, so until then i'll be squatting on the audsteph account.
peace,
erin

ho ho ho (aka erin)

hi y'all. don't worry, i didn't adopt a southern accent while i was gone for the baby jesus holiday times. i headed up north to seattle for a few days to eat the shit out of some food, stay in weird hotels and hug lots of older people who liked to tell stories about me from whenst i was but a tot. a few highlights from my trip:

while watching lots of tv, i saw an infomercial for YOGA BOOTY BALLET. i've searched the internet like crazy for the past 12 seconds and haven't been able to find a video in order to demonstrate how insanely wtf-y this shit is. they have a move called "bad kitty" where you stick your spandex clad ass out really far and make cat scratching motions with your hands while gyrating profusely. it's hot.

while shopping for some last minute gifts, including a "secret santa" gift for a yet to be announced female member of my family, i visited a fred meyer in bellingham, washington. as far as i can tell, fred meyer occupies the rung on the ladder above kmart and walmart but about six below target. they sell lots of food, delicious wines and a foot spa for only $17.99 which i purchased!

remember when i previously mentioned stories about little me? well, every time there is a family gathering some variation of this little story seems to rush violently from the voice boxes of either my grandma or one of my 8 aunts. apparently at age 2, i plopped down on the couch in front of a room full of family members and loudly asked them if they all wanted to see my "trotch" while lifting my dress above my head. oh, good to know nothing's changed. i'm always fun to have at parties!

after returning, i visited our myspace page. i was reminded that about 2 weeks ago i drunkenly updated our general interests section to include some of mine and our favorite things. a dear reader and genuine real lifey friend was puzzled by one of these interests, namely, drysex. he wondered why we might be inclined to list this over its counterpart, wetsex. see, tenth grade erin was a huge fan of drysex. you could experience what one of our friends named "pee feeling," not get prego and do it in your mom's minivan without being naked. also, modern day adult erin is a huge fan of all things retro and vintage, which includes drysex. so old school. now go add us as your myspaceter so we feel very popular and friendly.

lastly, blogger has been screwing me hard (and dry) for the past six days or so. i have been totally unable to sign into blogger to update you with drunken reflections on holiday lore. it blows. you'd think google could spend some of their fifteen hundred million trillion dollars on making this thing work, right? afterall, the future of china depends on me writing about dumb crap.

yours truly,
erin
p.s. it might be a little slow around here for a few days. it's impossible to "get it up" for your blog when your with your mom a lot.

Friday dating tip (Saturday Style)

Due to Holiday travel plans and some crossed Unibloggal communication, this week’s dating tip is appearing one day late.

Today’s topic: The First Post Hookup Email. Or, FPHE, as some call it.

You know what I’m talking about. The sexual tension had been building – whether it was or two months, two days, or two hours, doesn’t matter – the tension was there. So after a drunken party or a long night out at the bars, you find yourself finally hooking up with the subject of this tension. The two of you have a passionate night of ecstasy. And, if you’re lucky, maybe grab brunch together the next day.

Monday comes and you return to work as usual, but you can’t get this person out of your mind. So, rather than doing something as bold as calling their cell phone, you decide to send a nice email. Thus bringing us to FPHE.

This is a sensitive procedure. Any stray letters and you can ruin your chances of seeing the person again and your chances at a happy life. You want to make it clever, without looking like you’re trying to be clever. Breezy, without sounding like you’re trying to be breezy. Meaningful and yet indifferent. Subtly communicating that you want there to be a repeat hookup, without implying that you want to have babies with them. At least, not just yet.

Tactics you should steer away from:

Too breezy: “Hey, yeah, so I ran across your email address and I thought maybe I’d drop you a line.”

Making up excuses for emailing: “So, I saw this dog today, and I remembered you said that you had a dog growing up. And I thought maybe I should write to let you know that there’s a dog on Smith Street right now.”

Too blatantly hookup focused: “Remember when I saw you naked the other night? Hehe, that was cool.”

Stay away from dumb typos: “I’d love to go they’re again with you the next time your free.” (especially if you’re writing this FPHE to miss stillman)

Don’t blow it: “I had fun the other night. Soooooooo, when are we getting married?”

Follow these simple rules and just be yourself (unless you’re lame, in which case, be someone else) and you’ll construct the perfect FPHE.

peace out '06

2006 was, all in all, pretty damn great. thanks for another rad year, sweet pals!

1. what's your favorite unibloggal post ever?

i'm pretty sure this post changed some lives.
also...friday's dating tip: stick to your own hood contains, in my opinion, one of the best quotes of '06:

"if you're from the marina and you're a dude, your salmon button up shirt will match your girlfriend's face, an awesome hue achieved from months of tanning. also, she's at the gym so much that she won't even notice that you're probably gay. why else would you vote for a republican and wear shiny dress shoes on the the weekend?"


2. what's your favorite record of the year?

i'm gonna give first place to califone 'roots & crowns'. here are a few of my faves for your listening pleasure.

3. what's your favorite celebrity wtf of the year?

rip torn-the-eff-up's mugshot's just too damn good.

4. most babe-a-licious man of the year:

sweet will johnson.

since i didn't give 'fort recovery' top album status (although it's def up there) i've gotta give the centro-matic frontman that melts the shit outta my heart some love.

5. drunkest moment of the year/biggest impending doom feeling:

i was a detective for shame-o-ween this year. apparently there were some clues somewhere in the area of gary tj's lady friend's breast which i grabbed, complimented (to him) and then entirely erased from my memory until i was reminded of the majority of the evening a couple days later.

6. favorite photo of your group of pals from 2006:


pants off dance off

7. Favorite thing (blog/site/video) online right now:

i need music in my ears for pretty much the entirety of the work day or i go insane. thank sweet baby jesus for hype machine and also kexp. some good daily programs but the real jackpot is the huge archive of live performances.

8. Craziest crazy person in the street/on public transportation story:

while on the 22 fillmore the bus got real crowded and a pretty beat old lady got pushed a little. she screams at a group of teenagers "you knocked my teeth out, bitches". i looked down the aisl and sure enough her full set of dentures were lying there. she then screams multiple times "gimme my fuckin' teeth back". one of the young dudes finally reaches down, grabs the teeth, hands them to this fine old lady and she shoves them back into her mouth.
i also have endless sick stories about the 14 mission if anyone's new year's resolution is to barf more.

9. Favorite beverage of 2006:

i love me some good coffee

10. New Years Resolution:

i hope to invert the current ratio that rules my diet of burritos:veggies and coffee/booze:water

It's been a crazy year

With ten days to go, I have all my questions answered. Well, not all my questions, but the ten that Erin posed today.

1. what's your favorite unibloggal post ever?

I think I’d have to go with Steph’s “Series of letters to the first girl I ever fingered by Michael Ian Black” because it led me to one of my favorite pieces on the web. A piece I reread almost weekly and it makes me lol every time.

2. what's your favorite record of the year?

At the risk of sounding conceited, I’m gonna have to go with Chosen Pussy’s Greatest Hits.

3. what's your favorite celebrity wtf of the year?

Ummmm, do the roommates of the Real World count as celebrities, because I think everything they’ve done since they moved in has constituted one giant wtf.

4. most babe-a-licious man of the year

Bea Arthur.



Hot.

5. drunkest moment of the year/biggest impending doom feeling

Oh, where to begin. Was it this year that I woke up in nothing but a mullet wig and then barfed on the F train? No, that was 2005. Perhaps is was the night I went out in the meat packing district with Gordon and Terryl and managed to get us kicked out of all the hip clubs. Whatever, some people just like to take off their shirts when they’re pretending to pole dance.

6. favorite photo of your group of pals from 2006, please post



I’m just kidding.

My favorite photo has to be from my Ugly Sweater Party on Saturday. I’m sure Gordon’s thrilled that this is now online TWICE.



Also, jumping back to the beginning of 2006, I have to include this one of the masterbraiders:




7. Favorite thing (blog/site/video) online right now (with link).

My all-time favorite blog is of course dooce.com the blog that inspired me to create You Nork, which in turn inspired Stephanie to start Unibloggal. So to sum it up, if there was no Dooce, there’d be no Unibloggal. And my favorite video might still have to be from The Lonely Island, pre-SNL fame. So, the video is not in fact from 2006, but the SNL fame is… sort of.

8. Craziest crazy person in the street/on public transportation story

On Wednesday night, I was followed the four blocks from the subway station to my house in Brooklyn by a gangster-type lad shouting, “Don’t pretend that you aren’t looking for cock! All you bitches wanna get fucked. You want my cock, bitch. Don’t you cross the street to get to get away from me. Come on, you know you want my cock.” I mean, he wasn’t that crazy because I really did, in fact, want his cock. I ended up inviting him upstairs for some Christmas cookies and a good fuck.

9. Favorite beverage of 2006

Dr. Pepper. It will always be Dr. Pepper. I love you, Dr. Pepper.

10. New Years Resolution

Cut down on Dr. Pepper.

hey 2006, don't let the door hit you in the ass

happy holidays, everyone. in honor of this special time of year, we have decided to share with you a look back on what for us has been a year of growth and subtle transition into the blogosphere. we hope you're happy to have us, because for us, you dear 12 readers (that's right, we've grown!), you're all we need to have a stuffed stocking. throughout the next week or so, various members of the unibloggal family will share with you a quaint retrospective on the year past. we hope you enjoy it. and if you're traveling, be safe, keep it to under three liquid ounces and don't drink too much egg nog. that shit is nasty.

Favorite unibloggal post ever?
that's an easy one. by far our most awesome and "commercially viable" post was tonight i'll be your naughty girl, the creative pubic hair manipulation game by nads, posted by laurin on august 21st.
Favorite record of the year?
another easy one. so this is good bye by the junior boys kicks major ass. and it makes you (me) want to take off your (my) clothes. second place goes to show your bones by the yeah yeah yeahs. and their website kicks ass.
Favorite celebrity wtf of the year?
well, i tend to believe that all celebrities are wtf worthy, but i think my blue ribbon goes not to britney, paris, lindsey or the crocodile hunter, but to jared leto for being the biggest douche brain on the planet with the shittiest band alive.
Most babe-a-licious man of the year?
one minute for erin brown to be totally mushy.
Drunkest moment of the year/biggest impending doom feeling?

Favorite photos of the friend family from 2006?
they're all right here.
Favorite online "what have you" (blog/video/etc)?
hmm. i'm very self centered, so i usually just read our blog over and over and over. let me me think of something other than the "dick in a box" video, which i can't stop watching. here's a blog, a video, and a photo that i really love.
Craziest crazy person in the street/on public transportation story:
this actually happened today when a 90 yr old chinese woman was coughing and hacking up loogies so hard (into a plastic bag) that she barfed on the bus. MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Favorite beverage of 2006?
champagne. i'm fancy.
New Years Resolution?
i would like to start recycling and not eating cookies. and i'll start smoking more, so i can quit. and i'll definitely go to the gym a whole bunch. (not)

christmas present anyone?

after catching up on episodes of mtv's rob and big (which i now love) i have discovered that i am now also obsessed with bulldogs, especially given their natural pension for skateboarding. rob and big chronicles the (mis) adventures of professional skater rob drydek, his bodyguard/bff christopher "big black" boykin and there new bulldog puppy meaty. in one of the episodes they come across tyson, "the skateboarding bulldog," and attempt to teach meaty how to skate. i'm in love, i'm definitely getting one and they will be skateboarding before you know it. here's a little promo video of tyson's talents to get you obsessed too.

I carried a watermelon?!?

It was the worst “I carried a watermelon?” moment at a work meeting ever.

All our male readers may need an explanation. Unlike every girl, you dudes may not have watched Dirty Dancing 800 times over and balked in empathy when Baby informs Johnny that she “carried a watermelon” to get into the staff party.* Because how could any line ever be more embarrassing than that?

I’ll tell you what line could be more embarrassing than that. Let me start by explaining that I’m not a good presenter. It’s something I need to work on, as it’s the job of a copywriter to present their ideas in front of big groups, but I still have a way to go. So at the meeting last week to review all the ideas for a new constipation medication website, I got up in front of 20 adults to present my masterpiece: The Normalmeter (pronounced nor-MALL-mi-tur). The tool that helps people find their “normal” when it comes to their digestive issues (my job is sooo glamorous). I got so nervous when I stood up that here is what eloquently came out of my mouth:

“The point of this program is to illustrate that everyone has a different ‘normal.’
What’s normal for you might not be normal for someone else. I mean, maybe normal for you is being a vegan. And normal for me, is, um, eating puppies!”

The room grew silent and 20 faces looked at me blankly.

Finally the creative director spoke, “Uh, that’s just not normal.”

EATING PUPPIES? From what sick recess of my brain did that example spring? Good thinking, Audrey. Eating fucking puppies. Maybe normal for you is decapitating kittens and raping babies.

Well, at least everyone at the office now knows what a freak I am, so next time I say something insane they won't be surprised.

*I also used to pause and rewind the shot of Patrick Swayze’s bare ass getting out of bed. Is that normal?

teen beat: best present ever

basically i could have used this weekly box of chatter to air my feelings of lust and admiration for one justin p. timberlake (i just made up his middle initial, so what). he went from totally geek to totally chic (like ronald p. miller aka mcdreamy) and he makes songs that inspire women worldwide to take off their clothes. he's from the south but for the most part curbs his potentially hideous accent. he devirginized britney spears and is now boning a hot older lady, something we older ladies greatly admire. in addition, he dances like a BSG (basketball shoe guy) but doesn't wear suspenders or actual athletic attire. and to make matters even more insanely bonerific, he's in this, which might be the single catchiest and hilarious thing i've seen in like 3 days:


on january 11th me and several of my girl and gay friends will be traveling to san jose to see mister timberlake in the flesh. we will be riding in this:

except ours is going to have a STRIPPER POLE and a cage for COUGARS. roar!

coke head of the class

this weekend, i had the displeasure of attending a random holigay party filled with coked-up homos of marginal intelligence. normally, my puritanical ass can guzzle alcohol in these kind of situations and have a good time. however, i should have listened to my gut—let’s call it my smilla’s sense of snow—which told me to leave as soon as i stepped foot inside. you see, the party was a pseudo-serious one, involving heart-to-hearts, cheese spreads, "which firm do you work for?," and "oh my god, i’ve been to indiana!!!"

anyway, i stuck around for a good 45 minutes, but had to leave after overhearing the following conversation which, sadly, was delivered in earnest:

coke head 1: you know what?
coke head 2: what?!
coke head 1: like, in 50 years, like, in our lifetime, the north pole is totally going to melt and we’re going to be underwater.
coke head 2: that is so totally going to suck!!!
coke head 1: i know! but you live on the 4th floor so you should be okay.
coke head 2: yeah. you know, that’s why i didn’t take that job in miami.

holidating

this is a sexy couple on their way to a black tie holiday affair.

i was watching the today show this morning while i was hungoverly getting ready for work and ann curry and meredith vierra were giving me tips on what to wear to holiday parties. mine is tonight. i hope i don't barf.

anyway, the holidays can be a tricky time for daters, so i am going to offer a few suggestions that i hope will make your yule tidings a bit more sexified.

1. don't buy him drakkar noir. that's for 10th grade. actually do buy it for him because that way you can ensure that no other woman will both never have sex with him and also not come within fifteen feet of him.

2. don't include mention of one boyfriend/girlfriend in your family holiday update letter and accidently send that to another boyfriend/girlfriend. that actually happened to me this year and it was awkward.

3. don't walk around with mistletoe hanging above your head expecting that lots of babes will want to french you. attach it just above your zipper, instead.

4. if you have an office crush and you somehow get that person as a secret santa, don't buy them undergarments. not only will you offend them if you buy a size that's too big, but you'll have to spend every day of the coming year wondering if they're wearing them. sheer office torture!

5. if you're going home to meet the parents of a new significant other, there are a few things to keep in mind. (a) don't get drunk and sit on his dad's lap, especially if you're a boy or a REALLY hot girl - either way, dad boners are uncomfy (b) don't bring up the possibility of children, the mom will get really excited and will hate her child forever if he/she someday dumps you (c) don't have loud sex, duh. that's such a cliche from every meet the the parents rom com.

6. don't get swept up in the holiday mash fest and end up feeling lonely. if you do, you'll end up having either i'm only doing this because i don't want to cry sex, if anyone else were available i'd be doing it with them sex or please buy me a christmas present even though you hate me sex. (not sure what exactly that is, but i'm counting on one of you to figure it out for me.)

More office party lore

Okay, you wanna talk office holiday parties?? We'll talk office holiday parties. Actually, I can't say too much about mine because my memory fades sometime after the third hour of the open bar. But I did get some strange looks the next day. And more than one coworker came up to me and asked "Are you really in a band called 'Chosen Pussy'?" "Um, no. That must've been a different drunk freelancer with her tights on her head."

However, I can talk about the Fake Office Holiday Party by Metro Metro that I went to on Wednesday. The one where everyone pretended to be a typical employee. Characters included:

Condescending IT Guy
Loud Talking HR Person Who Knows Your Personal Info
Guy who "knows" Photoshop from a 2-Hour Class
"Technically, That's Illegal"
Lunchtime Yoga Group Member
"Wait to You Hear How Smart My Baby Is"
The Gay Guy
"I Swear I'm Not Gay"
"This Is Just a Day Job, I'm in a Band"
Smells of Cat
"Well, This Isn't How We Did It In the Marines"
Office Virgin
"I'm Not Racist, But"
“Want to Read My Poetry?”
Inappropriately Dressed
One of the Four People Nobody Can Tell Apart
"Buy My Kids' Cookies"

If you’ve worked in an office, I know you know all those people. The winner of the night, or course, was “Office Whore” but only because she blew everyone in the bathroom. Cheater.

L+O+V+E

i would like to take this opportunity to wish my fellow unibloggistas a happy six month anniversary. i feel like we've really bonded and have become one since way back in june when this fine blog was birthed from our fingers.

awesome audrey - even though you are on an opposite coast, i feel so attached to you through your talk of poo.
sweet stephanie - your photoshopping skills make me weak in the knees. my eyeballs quake at every image your brains create.
lovely laurin - even though you're now married, i am happy that we share a love child named unibloggal.
captivating colleen - you are a little tornado and i hope to soon be at the eye of your storm.
jammin' julie - despite the fact that you've fled from frisco, just like peaches & herb, we've reunited and it feels so good...cyberly.

Work Holiday Party Aftermath

You know the girl in your office who doesn't speak and you really aren't even sure if she has teeth and then all of a sudden you have your holiday work party and that girl is dancing on the bar with her shirt off and frenching tony from accounting? Well, folks, I'm that girl. But instead of dancing on the bar, I was wrestled to the ground and instead of taking my shirt off I had a bloody nose after face planting into the bar that filled up two dishrags. Oh, and it wasn't tony from accounting, but it was the audio guy and rohit gave me a motherload of a hickey. Yeah.

Okay, the party started at 2pm (first mistake) at dave and busters - I know, it's douche central, but so fun. I can't turn down skeeball. Ever. Or air hockey. But this is the result of my air hockey game:


Okay, time to go home and do a wardrobe change (only cause if I didn't, I would have been wearing a loin cloth by the end of the night).

Onto party number two - lameo. Seriously, one co-worker told me about how she used to be obese and how when she lost all the weight she had what she described as a "mudflap", and honestly, I couldn't handle that shit. So…onto party number three (mistake #45 by this point). That's where I talked to my boss for over an hour about how I don't really want to work in television (how do I still have a job today?) and about being single - it was like pillow talk! I don't think I let him get a word in. I surely didn't ask one question - just flapped my gums till finally it was time to put a lid on it. He politely excused himself.

So I moved down the bar to the audio guy who is so cute, but lord, he had the world's ugliest shirt in the world on. I tried to take it off and I believe I asked him what he was thinking when he put that on, but boy oh boy, retardo. So he starts doing all this dirty talk 101 to me (which is not hot, by the way), "touch my dick, it's huge. Is your pussy wet?" I was like enough with the skinemax bullshit, lets makeout. So we did. In front of everyone. Yep. It was rough. Dear lord - that was me. I'm that guy.

Then that's over and I go and decide to wrestle with brynn. She's a scrappy gal and had me on the floor in a matter of seconds. Well, face first - hard floor - broken nose. No, not actually broken but when I say blood, I mean probably a gallon of blood came out. Pouring. Like someone just turned on the faucet. You would think that once you start bleeding, it's time to go home. No. I'm not even close to being that rational.

Head over to see my friend and we decide to give each other hickeys. Not make out. Just neck. He's indian so I didn't make much of a mark, but hot damn! I have a full on placemat of a hickey on my neck. I think I tried to make out with him by showering him with compliments, "you are my number two crush in the office". Yeah, number two. I'm a total sweetheart.

And I'm back in the office today. I feel like a racehorse with a broken leg. I'm useless and my time is limited. Someone needs to put me down. A racehorse with a broken leg and swollen nose. Ouch.

holiday gift giving?!

hi. i hate buying unfun presents for people. therefore, i've compiled a list of potential gifts by friends of unibloggal. please support them with your wallets and buckaroos. thanks.

pretty pretty paintings by cielo oreste.

glorious earrings by chiara triska.

sweet wallets by slaughterhead.

bitchen bags by ryan green.

and finally, amazing photo zines by jeremy and claire of day19.

B-U-T

and now for some post lunch distracting and hilarious sweetness courtesy of wonder showzen:

ask me ask me ask me

Here’s an activity to do with friends. Have a contest to see who can come up with the most depressing lyric from The Smiths. It’s remarkably easy as all their lyrics pretty much want to make you take a knife to your throat. A serrated one, so you can slowly saw through your jugular while you contemplate the misery of the world.

But seriously, what’s there to be so sad about, Morrissey? You’re an effing rock star! rejoice! But no, instead:

“Haven't had a dream in a long time
See, the life I've had would make a good man bad
So for once in my life let me get what I want
Lord knows it would be the first time”

Not depressing enough for ya? Try this one on for size:

“Surly you're happy
It should be this way?
I said "No"
And then I shot myself
So, drink, drink, drink”

And my personal favorite:

“I think about life and I think about death
And neither one particularly appeals to me”

Endless fun, I tell you.

What reminded me of Morissey and The Smiths? Two blogs I read regularly: Dooce and my friend’s friend Jim. Which begs the question:
In my life, why do I give valuable time to people who don't care if I live or die?

teen er...elderly beat tuesday

erin generously let me take over her teen beat tuesday post today so that i can share with our loyal readers my love for george takei. george built a name for himself in the mid to late 60s when he stared as helmsman sulu along side captain kirk on the original star trek. i have come to know and love him as the newest recurring guest host on the howard stern show. george takei is the lovable gay former tv star grandpa you never had. he's cute as a button and makes me smile every time i hear his infamous laugh or use the phrase "oh my." the video below is from george's roast of william shatner on comedy central. i could just die from a cute overload when george calls artie lange his "cuddly muffin." i promise you'll love him too.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULIE!

The big banana
And karaoke queen
That’s our Juliana
Hilarious and obscene
She'll bring you up
She's never dull
Her kiddish cup
Is always full
Singing 'bout Hannukah
Rapping 'bout Jews
Her entertainment
Is sure to amuse
Today's her birthday
Soon to be a relic
And all she really wants
Is to bone Tom Selleck

Happy B-day Jules. Tons of love from Unibloggal.

What will technology think up next?

Since Erin is in the far away land of Los Angeles today, she asked me to take over this Friday’s dating tip. A decision I’m sure she’ll soon regret.

Today’s dating tip is about visitors. Two kinds of visitors… the out-of-town lover type of visitor. And a girl’s special monthly type of visitor. And how the two should never arrive on the same weekend.

Granted, the timing of one’s cycle is something that is a little beyond our control. Or so I thought…

We have a certain friend that was inspired by Steph’s post and now has all of the Unibloggal’s cycles on his phone. This is actually convenient because I can consult with him to find out the daily status of my reproductive system.

But what I didn’t realize until this week is that not only can the program monitor your cycle, it can also control it. Making sure one’s monthly “visitor” is gone before the out-of-town lover visitor arrives.

erin: wow, really?! i mean, his phone can cease menstruation?
me: Not cease, make it come early.
me: either that or I willed it so with pure mental power
erin: wow
me: a miracle I tell you!
erin: i wish the phone could sterilize me
me: hmmmm, that could possibly be arranged, if placed in the right position in your uterus
erin: haha
for an extended period of time. the phone rays might make it shrivel up
me: true, but when someone called, it would be like a party in your belly!
erin: oh crap
if you accidently put it on that weird rio dejaniero techno ring tone it would suck
me: "what is that noise?" "Oh, that's just my inutero phone. It'll go off in a sec."
erin: so awesome
me: AND, if you were to get knocked up, it would aid in communication with your unborn fetus
dude, this is a brilliant idea!
I'm going to patent this immediately
erin: "hello, please pick up"
me: maybe we can put a blackberry/trio type thing in there too and call it... CompUterus
erin: holy shit
me: Introducing: THE COMPUTERUS (patent pending)
erin: blog that shit

D.I.Y

tonight i'm going on a date with a fine fella and have been compiling some great dating advice from some special pals, both male and female. since erin's tips don't come out til fridays, my favorite so far comes from my sweet manpal who once told me the best thing i can do on a date is take my shirt off myself. his name's larry the iguana. you guys don't know him.

"I think that you're supposed to take your own shirt off during the first makeout session. Sounds like you missed that opportunity, but #2 will suffice. Here's some further guidance:

(Scene: in car, at night, yellow light from lamppost outside casting revealing shadows through steamed windows as a young couple (is 36 still "young?") smear their lips and tongues against each other)
GIRL (pulling back): I want to show you something
GUY (inquisitive): What is it?
GIRL (putting her finger against his lips, slurring slightly): Shhhhhhh (fumbles with buttons on her blouse)
GUY FURROWS EYEBROWS IN A CONCENTRATING AND CURIOUS WAY
GIRL REMOVES SHIRT CLUMSILY, THROWS SHIRT AND BRA INTO BACK SEAT
GIRL: Suck on 'em

See? It's foolproof. Have fun tomorrow night!"

hey erin, shut up!

sorry, i'm going to be out of town for three days, so i'm talking a lot today. i apologize.

i'm a big fan of mcsweeney's lists. are you? this one is hilary-town. and also totally sad and depressing. when is someone going to donkey punch that fool?

Alternate Titles for O.J. Simpson's New Book.
BY JEFF DRAKE, WENDY MOLYNEUX, JOHN ROBERTSON, AND ANN SLICHTER
- - - -
Stab This Book

Stab Your Wife With This Book

Beat Your Wife to Death With This Book

Tuesdays With Stabby

Are You There, God? It's Me, a Multiple Murderer

To Kill a Mockingbird, Wherein the Mockingbird Is Your Ex-Wife and Her Friend, the Waiter

What to Expect When You're Expecting to Stab Someone

A little off the sides

“So, have you been here before?”

“Yes, ow, but I moved recently from San Francisco, ow, so I used to go to a place there.”

“Oh really? And how are you liking New York?”

“New York is, ow, great. Yeah, I’ve been having lots of fun.”

“Do you work in the city?”

“Yeah, I work right up the street, actually, at an ad agency. Ow.”

“That’s great. Now lay on your stomach and hold your butt cheeks apart.”

No time for pleasantries at the bikini waxing place.

the photoshop olympics

it appears as though stephanie is in for a run for her money (i love grandma cliches) when it comes to most masterful photoshop laugh-attacks. one of the joys of being at work is having the handy internet at your fingertips all day. while fingering the internet this morning, a friend sent me a link to this image, which was posted on another friend's flickr page.

personally, i can't stop laughing. visit his page and check out scuba gooding jr. thank you

journasty: your new favorite band

i've been in a little bit of a reading slump lately because i am a huge nerd who can't stop doing crossword puzzles, watching the movie wordplay and blogging for work about the classic design of the ny times daily puzzle. it's rough. however, i'm going on a road trip tomorrow (hello, LA) so i've been saving all of my puzzles up for the drive, that means i've been forced to read again. i'm currently working on chuck klosterman's "sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs* a low culture manifesto." so far it's a great book with musings on the real world and billy joel. between every chapter is some other small little story, strangely in a different font with no real point. the one i read on the bus this a.m. forced me to come and say, "hello, blog!"here's an LOL-able excerpt bit from one of these different font pages. it's a game i very much would like to play. My own commentary is in red.

Ten minutes later, I found it necessary to mention that Journey was rock's version of Dynasty. This prompted a spirited debate we dubbed "Monkees=Monkees." The goal is to figure out which television show is the closest philosophical analogy to a specific rock 'n' roll band, and the criteria is mind-blowingly complex: It's a combination of longevity, era, critical acclaim, commercial success, and--most important--the aesthetic soul of each artistic entity. For example, the Rolling Stones are Gunsmoke. The Strokes are Kiefer Sutherland's 24. Jimi Hendrix was The Twilight Zone. Devo was Fernwood 2-Night (WHAT IS THIS SHOW?) Lynyrd Skynyrd was The Beverly Hillbillies, which makes Molly Hatchet Petticoat Junction. The Black Crowes are That '70s Show. Hall & Oates were (are? and is oates then tom hanks?) Bosom Buddies. U2 is M*A*S*H (both got preachy at the end) (THANK YOU, U2 is the mashiest band ever. and after last friday's game of trivial pursuit, i also know that he wore horns on tour which makes him a drama geek, too.) Dokken was Jason Bateman's short-lived sitcom It's Your Move. Eurythmics were Mork & Mindy (i like this analogy because as a kid, i loved both of these but for the life of me i can't remember why). We even deduced comparisons for solo projects, which can only be made to series that were spawned as spin-offs. The four beatles are as follows: John = Maude. Paul = Frasier (shouldn't he have been Wings? that wasn't a spinoff, huh? although i think i get the analogy here. frasier crane (paul) always felt like he was picking up sam malone (lennon's) sloppy seconds. does that make diane yoko?), George = The Jeffersons, and Ringo = Flo (hahahahha!). David Lee Roth's solo period was Knots Landing. So there's proof: Marijuana makes you smarter.

O'Brilliant

This weekend I was reminded of an old favorite speech. You may remember Conan O'Brien’s Commencement Speech to the Harvard Class of 2000 from the email that was forwarded eight billion times to everyone and their mother about six years ago. But it’s so brilliant, it definitely merits a reread every year or so. Not only is it ingeniously crafted and laugh-out-loud funny, but it also contains some great advice on surviving this journey we call life.

It starts here and only gets better. Be sure to click here and read through to the very end, as the last line is one of my favorite quotes in existence, not to mention my life motto.

"I'd like to thank the Class Marshals for inviting me here today. The last time I was invited to Harvard it cost me $110,000, so you'll forgive me if I'm a bit suspicious. I'd like to announce up front that I have one goal this afternoon: to be half as funny as tomorrow's Commencement Speaker, Moral Philosopher and Economist, Amartya Sen. Must get more laughs than seminal wage/price theoretician.

Students of the Harvard Class of 2000, fifteen years ago I sat where you sit now and I thought exactly what you are now thinking: What's going to happen to me? Will I find my place in the world? Am I really graduating a virgin? I still have 24 hours and my roommate's Mom is hot. I swear she was checking me out.

Being here today is very special for me. I miss this place. I especially miss Harvard Square - it's so unique. Nowhere else in the world will you find a man with a turban wearing a Red Sox jacket and working in a lesbian bookstore. Hey, I'm just glad my dad's working."

total douche pop

last night we turned on the television to see what kind of pop culture shitstorm was being brewed up on the billboard music awards. i came to a few conclusions. they are:
1. middle america likes country music, shitty rap and plastic surgery faces all mixed together in some hybrid genre called billboard music awards.
2. pharell williams can't rap but he's a freakin babe.
3. catherine mcphee is majorly fooooine.
4. fergie is such a fucking douchecicle that i can hardly stand it. in this video she looks like a tacky 13 year old at christmas time between the neck and knees with a weird tan plastic head upon two stilt shoes that she can't walk in. why is she on earth?

teen beat tuesday: the oc, it's back

you may not agree or you may just be living in the dark ages aka 2003, but the oc is back, people. ryan atwood, who i've always had a tumultuous relationship with is handling the loss of his dear marissa like a champ. he's taken up early morning jogs on the beach, he's trying to quit caffeine and in a couple of days he's going to have the show's first nocturnal emission. here's a photo of the new and improved AND DARE I SAY HOT photo of mister chino.

do you see how his helmet hair is gone?
do you see that he's driving a rugged jeep wrangler?
do you see that he's not wearing a hoodie or a visable wifebeater?
all of these things are distracting me from the main reason i never was bonerfied by ryan in the past...his slopey shoulders! see the diagram below.

this is a man-feature which usually makes my eyes hurt, but i have no other choice but to congratulate ryan on a successful trompe l'oiel. i can barely see his downhill slopes because i am captivated by my own reflection in his aviators. just kidding.

start watching, people! i need to discuss this amazing show with all of you. thanks!

Ron Mueck

If you like sculpture, if you appreciate fine art, or if you like pointing and laughing at giant flaccid penises, I highly recommend the new Ron Mueck exhibit at the Brooklyn museum. I've been there twice this week to stand in awe at the frighteningly realistic models.

Mueck's art is part of a movement called "hyper-realism." Each of his sculptures not only look like real people, but they each convey an emotion - fear, isolation, dispair - so convincingly, you see a bit of yourself in every piece. Um, maybe not this piece:



Mueck's expert attention to detail and patience in making these pieces is impeccable - every single hair, every single vein and toenail and goose bump in place. You almost don't want to get to close, worried the subject will grab at you or leap from his chair.

I studied the sculptures for so long that on the subway ride home, I was staring at every other passenger, marveling at how their eyebrows looked so real, but Mueck does a better job. Check it out in Brooklyn if you can, or if you live elsewhere, look for the exhibit to come to a museum near you. It's real cool. (I'll never make it as an art critic, will I?)



P.S.
He also designed a lot of the puppets for my favorite childhood movie, "Labyrinth," which earns him at least 20 cool points.

paxil rose can't hang in sexy town

you may have heard the recent axl rose related shit storm that hit cleveland last week when he called the eagles of death metal (who were invited to open for them on the tour) the "pigeons of shit metal" and kicked them off the tour following their set. in response to this, the band, who in a stroke of genius by contract were paid in advance for all of the shows, responded with the following laughtastic statement:

At first the audience refused to welcome us to the jungle, but by the time we took our final bow, it had become paradise city. Although Axl tried to November rain on our parade, no sweet child o' mine can derail the EODM night train. We say live and let die.

amazing. in addition, buddyhead posted the following video of aaron north interviewing jesse hughes about the debacle. good watching.



only through the eagles of death metal site can you buy their new dvd, "dvd by sexy," directed by liam lynch. speaking of which, here's a great little morsel that laurin passed along to me a few months ago. it's a video memorial to his cat, frankie. if a cat loving man don't set your loins aquiver, you're just not human in my book.

Hit me labia, one more time.

Today at lunch in a intellectual, vegan café in the West Village, I looked up from my kale and potato soup to see what is now probably the world's most famous vulva. The hipster at the table next to me quickly slammed his MacBook shut and giggled with his buddy behind their square-rimmed glasses. Is no one beyond the Britney vagina craze?

I assume you've seen it. Everyone else has.

So, rather than pollute this blog with discussion of Britney's chocha and how it has recently decided to say hello to the world, I've decided instead to link to every other blog in the entire world wide web that has headlined this news-breaking phenomenon. But, dear Gawker and Best Week Ever, please understand that I mock because I care.

Here are some of the leading headlines. You'd think we'd just bombed another country: Britney's Vagina's Reign of Terror Continues. This is not breaking news people! Britney's Vagina Is On A World Tour. I have to admit that this headline actually made me laugh BRITNEY'S LEGS TO SPLIT UP PERMANENTLY.

And the blog that gets the big award for the fullest coverage of Britney's least covered bits: Best Week Ever, in which Britney's Vagina actually addresses readers personally.

friday dating tip: preservation of the girl boner

it's friday! hooray. i just did a google image search for "girl boner" and the second picture was this photo of david beckham. i can't argue with that logic, as he's definitely a hardcore yum driver. at 3am when i woke up to do my daily bout with "oh my god i'm so stressed out" (i only do it in the middle of the night so i can live the rest of my life with my head up my ass), i was thinking about how heterosexual and female to male my dating tips usually are. this made me self conscious. however, i'm busy today, so you're stuck with my breeder knowledge for at least one more week before i become better at living in the shoes of another. literally? do you want to give me your shoes? ok, here we go.

unlike man boners, girl boners are in no way a physical manifestation of blood and flesh (ew). in actuality they are internal things i've referred to in the past as "loin quivers," they are feelings in our guts likely tracing back to our evolutionary (or biblical, whatever) need to have our fertile bread baskets risen by your man yeast. (i'm so gross). when you do something that makes us like you, we'll remember it for a long time. even if we physically hate your guts, you might still leave us with a girl boner.

first of all, there are a few subtle ways in which you can create the girl boner, some of them are:
1. saying dirty things without meaning to, like, "i got a new cell phone, can i have your number so i can reenter you?" wow, see that? "reenter"...we'll remember that shit. if you were worthy the first time.
2. "say my name, say my name". no really, say it. girls fucking love that shit.
3. if you've never kissed a girl who you might like, go for a little affection, but not too much. like a random half hug kind of thing when you're "courting" a girl is good. nothing smothery and gross, but just a little something to tell her, "later i'm going to french your brains out, but not yet."

secondly, there are several very overt ways in which you can annihilate our fragile boners. they are:
1. i know that i stated above that it's possible for our boners for you to last much longer than our actual interest in you, but the opposite is also true. if you drag the process on and on and on, we're going to forget you exist and find another man to ignite our uterine flames.
2. if without REALLY knowing us, you go about suggesting that we change a facet of ourselves which you may not be a fan of, we will definitely hate you and our boner will shrivel. for example, once while on the world's worst date, i had this so called guy ask if i had ever considered keeping my natural hair color. what a laugh! anyone who knows me recognizes the fact that i wouldn't recognize my natural hair color if i saw it. that said, i never saw this "guy" again. (until last saturday when he randomly asked me for a cigarette outside of madrone. i spat upon him. jk)
3. try to regulate your e-personality. we are busy girls, we email and we IM and we text message. some dudes portray themselves as illiterate and as either huge fans or huge anti-fans of punctuation and grammar. figure it out, at least a little bit. also, don't use weird abbreviations/misspellings. it's creepy. (totes is just fine, though)
4. please don't tell us we look like your mom.

weekend to do list and dance tips

Thanks Sparkle Motion for the sweet dance moves! After "thorough" research, I've discoverd that its a bit dead in the Bay Area this weekend. But have no fear fair unibloglets. There are a few glimmers of hope to brighten up your social calender and get your lazy butt off the couch and out in the brisk winter air.

friday

Local eclectic post-punk meets noise music duo Moggs will take center stage at the Hemlock tonight along with Weird Weeds and Ferocious Eagle. If Deerhoof and Unwound had a love child it would play music like this. Check it out.

saturday

Voxtrot are gracing Great American Music Hall tonight. "With one foot in the library and the other on the dancefloor, Voxtrot combine classic 60's pop (think Love and Left Banke) with the heady, subversive sounds of 80's Britain and still come out ahead of their time." Good shit.

For an "Evening of Art, Fashion, Music, and Film" (featuring unibloggal pal and artist extroidinaire Sita Rupe) head over to Club Mezzanine.

sunday

I can't find anything earth shattering so I suggest a movie. Shortbus, Volver or the Science of Sleep should get you started.

put on a happy face

even though its friday, which usually makes me beam from ear to ear, this morning started off on the wrong foot and put me in an unusually bad mood. that is, until i saw this photo on dlisted. i love this photo. i love this couple. i love the finger. thanks heath and michelle for brightening up my day.