Friday, December 01, 2006

friday dating tip: preservation of the girl boner

it's friday! hooray. i just did a google image search for "girl boner" and the second picture was this photo of david beckham. i can't argue with that logic, as he's definitely a hardcore yum driver. at 3am when i woke up to do my daily bout with "oh my god i'm so stressed out" (i only do it in the middle of the night so i can live the rest of my life with my head up my ass), i was thinking about how heterosexual and female to male my dating tips usually are. this made me self conscious. however, i'm busy today, so you're stuck with my breeder knowledge for at least one more week before i become better at living in the shoes of another. literally? do you want to give me your shoes? ok, here we go.

unlike man boners, girl boners are in no way a physical manifestation of blood and flesh (ew). in actuality they are internal things i've referred to in the past as "loin quivers," they are feelings in our guts likely tracing back to our evolutionary (or biblical, whatever) need to have our fertile bread baskets risen by your man yeast. (i'm so gross). when you do something that makes us like you, we'll remember it for a long time. even if we physically hate your guts, you might still leave us with a girl boner.

first of all, there are a few subtle ways in which you can create the girl boner, some of them are:
1. saying dirty things without meaning to, like, "i got a new cell phone, can i have your number so i can reenter you?" wow, see that? "reenter"...we'll remember that shit. if you were worthy the first time.
2. "say my name, say my name". no really, say it. girls fucking love that shit.
3. if you've never kissed a girl who you might like, go for a little affection, but not too much. like a random half hug kind of thing when you're "courting" a girl is good. nothing smothery and gross, but just a little something to tell her, "later i'm going to french your brains out, but not yet."

secondly, there are several very overt ways in which you can annihilate our fragile boners. they are:
1. i know that i stated above that it's possible for our boners for you to last much longer than our actual interest in you, but the opposite is also true. if you drag the process on and on and on, we're going to forget you exist and find another man to ignite our uterine flames.
2. if without REALLY knowing us, you go about suggesting that we change a facet of ourselves which you may not be a fan of, we will definitely hate you and our boner will shrivel. for example, once while on the world's worst date, i had this so called guy ask if i had ever considered keeping my natural hair color. what a laugh! anyone who knows me recognizes the fact that i wouldn't recognize my natural hair color if i saw it. that said, i never saw this "guy" again. (until last saturday when he randomly asked me for a cigarette outside of madrone. i spat upon him. jk)
3. try to regulate your e-personality. we are busy girls, we email and we IM and we text message. some dudes portray themselves as illiterate and as either huge fans or huge anti-fans of punctuation and grammar. figure it out, at least a little bit. also, don't use weird abbreviations/misspellings. it's creepy. (totes is just fine, though)
4. please don't tell us we look like your mom.

1 comment:

laurin said...

"fertile bread baskets risen by your man yeast" might be my favorite quote of the year. e brown you rock the town.