teen beat tuesday: c'mon c'mon feel it feel it

hi. i love mark wahlberg because:

he can do devil horns on his privates, used to have huge boob muscles and was a bsg when i was in high school. also,

sometimes he's kind of rugged in that yummy construction worker way. this mark probably eats cheeseburgers from carls jr and watches football. either that or he really likes camping, but either way he has a truck. trucks appeal to a most girls in an entirerly unexplainable manner. in addition,

somehowe he looks hot with a gun. lastly,

he cleans up hella nicey and has this hot monkey-ish spit mouth when he talks. he could probably say the eff word in the middle of action and you'd like it.

teen beat tuesday: kitchen porn

as most of you probably know, i'm pretty obsessed with the tv food network, top chef, the kqed saturday cooking shows, food in general and also the hot men who cook it. as i discussed last week, i am a big fan of some salt and pepper...outside of the kitchen. the other day, my friend who is a photographer in new york, got to work on a shoot with anthony bourdain. he mainly just travels around eating food and talking about food and most importantly smoking cigarettes. it's hot. i want to eat him. i mean with him. holy eff.

teen beat tuesday: last of the famous international playboys

i am fully aware that morrissey would never be interested in taking off his clothes in my presence. however, i am forever in awe of how amazing he's kept himself looking over the years. he's 47 years old (eek, he's the same age as my step dad, creepy) and looks like a silver fox. a silver fox who wears pink ties and sings songs like hand in glove (go check the lyrics). i once had a similar crush on my college art theory professor. he couldn't have cared less about me, but i was obsessed with his outfits and grey hair.

morrissey wears faux suede monochromatic suits on stage. on stages such as the paramount theatre where i will be this evening pretending i'm a 15 year old boy. i've seen him live six times and still can't help but excited thinking about how awesome he is. how he sticks to his non-smith-reuniting principles. how he gave the best interview ever in the april 2006 issue of spin. i have a rather ragged copy if you're interested in borrowing it. i'm a dork.

teen beat tuesday: i'm a douche

i am a complete a-hole for posting this, but i haven't posted anything in like two weeks, so here i am, a little rusty, but here indeed. this is travis mccoy from some douche crew called the gym class heroes. last week when i was on vacation, i ended up watching mtv and becoming exposed to some seriously scary stuff (see below). from what i was able to gather from the video and my 2 minutes of google searching this morning, the gym class heroes are some kind of fall out boy, myspace (they apparently have a record called "new friend request" holy shit) popularized rap slash emo punk tattoo slash hip hop slash skate board posse of nerds with this hottish guy, travis, at the front of them. the ugly singer of fall out boy who is always overshadowed by the "hot" lindsey lohan laying pete wentz is in their video. all of this babble is trying to distract you from recognizing the fact that i think this guy is totally hot. he's kind of like if travis barker (who is barfy) had a baby with pharell williams or something. i'm into it. sue me. hard.

teen beat tuesday: i need a hero

most people on earth are obsessed with heroes. i have a strict rule against super hero comic book crap, but after 7 weeks of being ignored by my friends on monday nights, i decided to get into it. thankfully i have a boyfriend who knows how to work a computer because he was able to download all of the episodes for me and now i'm caught up. i am obsessed and also majorly interested in the man above. his name is Milo Ventimiglia, also known as Peter Petrelli. apparently they're hiding all of these hot nuggets on lame ass tv shows all over the place, because milo (cute name) used to be on the gilmore girls (and jason greenburg was on one tree hill). he has really hot hair in this picture. if you can pull it off, i highly recommend that every dude get hair like this. it's babe-o-thonic, in my book. and if you're not into the grubby hot longish hair, you can look at his brother, nathan petrelli who is a corrupt assy senator who is really hot in an expensive suit kind of way, see:

plus, nathan petrelli was in top gun. yeee haww, jester's dead.

teen beat tuesday: the men of santa rosa

this past weekend a gaggle of ladies, including four unitards (our new name), went on a retreat to rest, become rejuvinated, hydrated, do some meditation and commune with nature. somewhere along the line we became distracted, filled with sausage (chicken, veggie and beef) and i ended up barfing freeway-side. stuff happens. namely, stuff happens at a HAPPENING joint in santa rosa called rita's. it is a nice place next to quiznos and safeway where you can get pork chow mein and do karaoke after hours with amputees and pregnant ladies, as well as with these fine gentlemen:

this is dog the bounty hunger. i think he had a homemade tattoo on his arm which is a straight shot from tina's tongue if you're paying attention. he was muscley and angry looking.

i think i went to high school with this guy. and back then i probably would have dated him. these days his kind is either like my dad's age or 10 years younger than me but they both have a thing for baseball hats, brewskis, bbqs and big trucks.

this is mike. his belt cell phone, light washed jeans and swively dance moves would have made me presume that he wouldn't have been so confident in his ability to entice women. i was wrong. i bet mike does well at wedding receptions.

i actually have no idea what this guy looks like, but how awesome is heather? (and that rad half column propping the stage?)

and the final shot of magic is keith shown here with summer. he looked like he was going to poo his (leather) drawers when 11 girls walked into the bar. he wasn't divorced from any of us, none of us had ever thrown a drink on him, we were new. and he was satisfied. then i borrowed his shirt.

honorable mentions (only because i was too wasted to take photos) were the hessian in the spin doctors shirt with one fake leg and the scary looking man with questionable racial politics.

teen beat tuesday: most improved player

have any of you people been watching "dancing with the stars?" admit it, dammit. anyway, ian ziering aka steve sanders used to be a puffy haired mullet pasty dong parade. he was so gross. remember when he filmed a porno at the walsh house and he played the pizza man? yuck. here's an example:


as you might have heard, he's now one of the stars who is learning to ballroom dance. he's got sort of this super chiseled beard, his blonde hair is less cottony and pouf tastic. he's not hard core tucking his salmon shirts anymore, he's kind of moderately buff and not so oddly doughy. the bad part is that he has to wear sick suits and sparkles and stuff. ya know? am i dead meat?

he kind of looks like a pigeon here but i can't find a better photo.

teen beat wednesday

sorry. i'm old and forgetful. that said, this week's hotface is one ira glass.
sometimes when i feel like acting smart or hearing something that will touch my cockles, i will listen to npr. ira is a staple and is probably the only person on npr without some kind of weird accent related to his/her last name and also who doesn't have a faux european accent. these are two things i can get behind. as of tomorrow, you can see half hour episdoes of this american life on showtime. yay!

here's a link to an excellent article about him and the show from today's ny times. i like it when they write about cute cameron frye look alikes so i have a reason to open the paper other than the crossword.

old.

teen beat tuesday: shitty teen tv

have you ever seen prime? prime is this total rom com of the most grade a quality that i am actually inclined to refer to it as girl porn. it involves uma thurman who is 38 and frequents a shrink played by meryl streep. uma ends up dating meryl's 23 yr old son and there are lots of close calls, you know until they all figure it out. the 23 yr old son/boyfriend is played by bryan greenberg (seen below).

he's so god dammerz hot in this movie that you want to turn way older (or just a little bit older if you're me) and go date young boys who go to clubs, dance massively hotstyle and have those shoulder muscles that look hot in wifebeaters even though wifebeaters aren't hot. anyway, i was just informed that bryan greenberg is about to star in a new drama on abc called october road.

i've been looking for something to take the place of my recently deceased oc and i think this might be it. my only issue is that in researching today's teen beatery, i found out that perhaps bryan greenberg was or is on one tree hill. this hurts my feelings. one tree hill is not ok, ya know? i'm tired (and old) and can't deal with matthew patrick sean scott murray or whatever his name is. vomit.

i'm going to get ready to post another teen beat post because it's just that kind of tuesday.

teen beat tuesday: oscar after parties

(LAURIN - the OC spoiler alert. don't read the first part of this post)

i've written about the hotness of the oc before. as you might have read in my eulogy to the OC, i was correct in predicting the earthquake, which did not send the OC babez into the ocean, but made sure that the cohens are now our neighbors to the east. i can't wait to stalk them. anyway, the OC is now gone, but not forgotten. seth cohen is now out on the town (seen below at the vanity fair oscars party), stoned out of his gourd and looking fine as sugar.

i'm not sure what kind of man can get away with wearing pleated 8th grade dance z-cavarichi civil war pants, but holy shits and giggles he looks like a bone-o-thon.

adam brody is out on the town looking so fresh and clean in promotion of his new movie, in the land of women, which me and my friends will be vaginating all over come april 20:

teen beat tuesday: make me dinner

i love top chef. i am kind of obsessed with it. i still haven't seen the finale of season two and while trying to find a picture of sam the raging babeOthon (slide show here), i found out who won. i'm going to punch someone. if i was a man, i would punch the clown while looking at sam cook. he wears tribal tattoo shirts with cursive douche writing all over them. he also has a headband and a ponytail with sunglasses on his head, but he's fugging hot. he's tall and kind of dresses like bono, but i still like him. he makes delicious treats and almost punched that little fudge named marcel. here's a little image and some more info on this foxy dumb dumb:

Age: 28Hometown: Charlotte, NC; Currently resides in New York City, NY Profession: Executive Chef in New York City Education: Johnson and Wales University

Sam is handsome and charming and is sure to make temperatures rise in the kitchen. After being voted one of the ten sexiest chefs in New York, Sam is ready to be known for his culinary skills and not just his good looks. Born and raised in Charlotte, North Carolina, Sam incorporates his southern charm and love of food into all of his dishes as executive chef in New York City.
This self-described "arrogant" chef likes the finer things in life and has no problem saying he is like a girl when it comes to shopping and grooming himself. Although people will automatically notice his handsome appearance, few know that he has also been a diabetic since he was a teenager and has to wear an insulin pump attached to his leg. Sam forges ahead and is sure to surprise the viewers on this season of "Top Chef."

(i apologize that unibloggal has been so boring lately, we've got jobs, ok?)

teen beat: air force two

since the weee age of nine years old i have been obsessed with the nba and it's plethora of insane looking men. this obsession started with michael jordan and is alive today with dewayne wade, kobe bryant and lebron james. for the most part, they have better bodies than most humans on the planet. all in all, they are well dressed and much younger than me, as i am now aged.

one sunday, the friend family was gathered on a favorite couch of ours when this gem (girl porn) popped up.

i mean, with the exception of tony parker (who is a massive douche brain) and steve nash (who is a great player, but looks like a baby dinosaur), this is a collection of eye sizzle deliciousness. i'm slightly obsessed. in addition to my other faves, we have paul pierce! jermaine oneal!

then, one of my favorite boys, sent me this behind the scenes piece of awesome. it shows juelz santana getting bangery on the tune:


BONERZ!

teen beat: award season is upon us!

for the next couple of months we will be bombarded with constant awards show buzz. if you're like me, you're already planning the in-home red carpet and specially designed ballots to be printed in time for your own oscar party. ok, maybe not, but still. today i will be providing you with some babe-o-thons related to what many film industry pundits are calling the greatest year in film so far this century. wow!

borat is kind of gross and while funny, i don't want to french him. however, sasha baron cohen is a full on sex pot. he's especially babe-o-rific in his suit. i also think his fiance is cuter than crap.

ryan gosling, previously mentioned in this weekly feature, was nominated for a best oscar nomination for his role in half nelson. i've yet to see this film, but he's a babe and if i had him as a teacher when i was young, i'd turn him into the male version of mary kay laterno.

and for next year's awards, i am hoping they will make a "best body" award at the oscars. if this is the case, i am hoping that my boy justin will be leading the pack. despite his sick inland empire tattoos and that pesky life sentence, i'm thinking he is the hottest person alive. and he was actually great in alphadog.

teen beat: tahoozled

this past weekend i headed to the south lake tahoe keys for some tequilla and indoor gaming fun times. look what happened:

faces have been blocked out to protect dear friends. i call this dance, the "one humped camel."

this photo wasn't nearly as hilarious with entirely blocked out eyes, so i kept some visable.

this is a giraffe. she is dialated to 9 centimeters. you can almost see the head if you look closely.

this is a girl-a-mid, an old favorite. look at that bear with a rifle to our left. look at cristy's hearty hooray! look down all of our shirts, ok don't.

look at what caused all of this ruckas. it was called "golden chocolate."

she was hungry, ok?

taco time. deflated raft, one person in the middle. perfect.

i don't know who these two sluts are or what they're doing. what i do know is that the one standing up is definitely not married.

teen beat tuesday: go team go

Over the holidays I found myself having one of the worst weeks of my life and to add insult to injury I got sick on New Years. Thanks Jesus! Actually, I really do mean thank you. I've discovered that our sweet lord does work in mysterious ways because if it wasn't for getting sick I wouldn't have stumbled upon the 10-episode bravo marathon of "Friday Night Lights" and I wouldn't have discovered my new (albeit out of character) TV crushes.

First up: dreamy, bad boy running back "Tim Riggins"



This crush makes sense to me, sort of. He's young, fit, rebellious, drinks too much, always has messy (often wet) hair in his face and makes out with his best friends girlfriend. Of course I would have a boner for this guy. I have been and will forever be attracted to bad boys. I mean give me a break...



Number two: hot football dad aka "Coach Taylor"



My second crush scares me for many reasons. One, I'm now officially attracted to 40-year olds which is a very weird, "come to terms with your age" phenomenon. But more scary than the age factor is the fact that Coach Taylor looks like a slightly cuter version of every suburban dad in America. He wears kaki short with white socks and sneakers; he wears wrap around sunglasses around his neck while driving; he has "man to man" conversations; he's totally wrong for me. Any yet...girl boner.

I'm through trying to figure out why my loins ache for both of these characters and instead I'm thanking fate for bringing these two dear dear crushes into my life on Wednesday nights. God bless America, football and the Dillon Texas "Panthers." Go team.

teen beat: babe alert

over the weekend, i found myself prepping for NYE by spending the entirety of saturday on a friend's couch. literally, 12 hours. i was momentarily fused to the ultrasuede fabric. while enjoying the thrill of on demand, i watched four episodes of entourage. damn, that show is great and so full of babes. my favorite babe is rhys coiro who plays billy walsh, the director of queens boulevard. i totally wish that queens boulevard was a real movie, but of course it is not. this will have to suffice. i was able to undearth some information on the internets about how this character is reportedly (i am a reporter) based on vincent gallo. i also just found out that he's on uglybetty, a show i've yet to force myself to sit through. now i might have to go for it.


WHAT A BABE.

teen beat: best present ever

basically i could have used this weekly box of chatter to air my feelings of lust and admiration for one justin p. timberlake (i just made up his middle initial, so what). he went from totally geek to totally chic (like ronald p. miller aka mcdreamy) and he makes songs that inspire women worldwide to take off their clothes. he's from the south but for the most part curbs his potentially hideous accent. he devirginized britney spears and is now boning a hot older lady, something we older ladies greatly admire. in addition, he dances like a BSG (basketball shoe guy) but doesn't wear suspenders or actual athletic attire. and to make matters even more insanely bonerific, he's in this, which might be the single catchiest and hilarious thing i've seen in like 3 days:


on january 11th me and several of my girl and gay friends will be traveling to san jose to see mister timberlake in the flesh. we will be riding in this:

except ours is going to have a STRIPPER POLE and a cage for COUGARS. roar!

teen er...elderly beat tuesday

erin generously let me take over her teen beat tuesday post today so that i can share with our loyal readers my love for george takei. george built a name for himself in the mid to late 60s when he stared as helmsman sulu along side captain kirk on the original star trek. i have come to know and love him as the newest recurring guest host on the howard stern show. george takei is the lovable gay former tv star grandpa you never had. he's cute as a button and makes me smile every time i hear his infamous laugh or use the phrase "oh my." the video below is from george's roast of william shatner on comedy central. i could just die from a cute overload when george calls artie lange his "cuddly muffin." i promise you'll love him too.

teen beat tuesday: the oc, it's back

you may not agree or you may just be living in the dark ages aka 2003, but the oc is back, people. ryan atwood, who i've always had a tumultuous relationship with is handling the loss of his dear marissa like a champ. he's taken up early morning jogs on the beach, he's trying to quit caffeine and in a couple of days he's going to have the show's first nocturnal emission. here's a photo of the new and improved AND DARE I SAY HOT photo of mister chino.

do you see how his helmet hair is gone?
do you see that he's driving a rugged jeep wrangler?
do you see that he's not wearing a hoodie or a visable wifebeater?
all of these things are distracting me from the main reason i never was bonerfied by ryan in the past...his slopey shoulders! see the diagram below.

this is a man-feature which usually makes my eyes hurt, but i have no other choice but to congratulate ryan on a successful trompe l'oiel. i can barely see his downhill slopes because i am captivated by my own reflection in his aviators. just kidding.

start watching, people! i need to discuss this amazing show with all of you. thanks!

teen beat: a broken heart

i've been working on a special memory lane for the upcoming birthday of one of my best friends. it's lead me to unearth some serious WTFs in the pack rat department. these include letters from as far back as 7th grade. did i say letters? i meant testaments to broken hearted babies. if this isn't teen beat worthy, i don't know what is. the following note is the emotional outpouring of my distraught best friend. i changed some names because the object of her desire isn't named something ubiquitous like brian or chris...and who knows. he might be out there somewhere, still.

Erin -
(WARNING!!!!! This is an emotional letter for me! So, handle with care!)
Help! I have never been so confused. I have been more confused but this time it's bad. I am so stressed out for the first thing. I am so worried about my report that's due Friday and I've only taken notes on a couple things. Second...Ben. Or guys in general. They are so confusing! Ben, oh I'll never get over him with Nicole liking him too! Great, that is just going to make things even harder. I'm sure he likes her. It's only obvious. But, I don't know why i'm worrying. My hearts broken but hey, who gives a care? God. But i don't know why it hurts so bad inside. Now, I'm crying, it's so unfair. I thought "Hey, I really like this guy" and I thought we had something going for awhile. But obviously theres not. Maybe its me, but I tried so hard to make him like me. I am shattered inside, Erin. I don't want to like anyone but him. I say i'm leeting go, but that's a lie. My heart is incomplete. I felt so special when we were together, but now it's a mirage. It looks like its there, but its really not. I wish it were the other way around for me and Ben. See, it's like you can't see it, but it's there. It seemed like he liked me but you couldn't really see it. I believe love is blind! I know everyone has problems but why does it seem like I have so many? I feel like crap, I look like crap, I treat people like crap, I am crap. I want to be pretty, I want to feel good aboyt myself but it its just not there. Another mirage! It's also a mirage for you and Ryan. I hope things work out. I've been so mad lately. I need a guy who treats me good and doesn't kiss and leave. I mean I can't make Ben like me and I respect that. He's entitled to his own choice and he may decide that he never liked me or he may not, but that's his decision. I've been waiting for a long time and I am willing. I like him and wish thingscould be how they were at Christmas vacation. But people change and I guess that's what happened with Ben. It just faded away like your poem said. (I WROTE A POEM?!) Guys lag sometimes and boy do they hurt you emotionally. One little thing could shatter my heart. Like Ben. I totally opened my heart up and it feels like nothing can stitch up my wound. I feel emotionally scarred and I just wish I could tell Ben how wonderful he made me feel and how I wished we could have been happy 2-gether but he has a rep to keep up, of not to be a softie and can't handle a girl's heart. Well I gotta cry to sleep now. Pray for me. Man, I hope things brighten up 4 U & Ryan.
Love always & Forever.