Wednesday, October 31, 2007

friday dating tip: bedding fine honeys

in order to really ensure that once you've landed a date, you're able to keep said date where you want them (in your bed), it's very important that you refine your nest so that it includes some aspects of undeniable comfort. here you see the five (yes, there are five of us now. hi, jules!) ladies of unibloggal in what appears to be a tableau of sleeping fantasy. this is a very important aspect of dating. for the most part, you boys out there need to listen up. here are a few ways in which you can technically improve the quality of your bed. if you follow these tips, the girls are more likely to not insist that you stay at their house where the bed is always cozy and clean.

step one: a good foundation. it doesn't always matter whether or not you've had your mattress since the fifth grade. it's just important that you actually have a mattress. that means no futons, rolled up sleeping bags placed upon some plywood (actually, i've slept on this configuration before, not as bad as you may think, but surely not ideal), no princess and the pea style piles of weird grandma bean bags. you get the picture. a mattress. here it's also important to consider your personal environs. tailor the frame or lack of a frame to your living situation. if you have roommates, consider the transportation of sound. nuff said? oh and size, in this case, it does matter. if you still have the extra long twin mattress that you stole from the dorm, you're fired. no girl wants to be reminded of horrific dorm sex.

step two: padding. i highly recommend some kind of pillow top and or egg crate. to avoid smothering your bed sharer, steer clear of those big puffy down mattresses that go upon your normal mattress. it's too much. a simple cozy layer between the mattress and the sheet is great.

step three: sheets. assuming everyone reading this is out of 5th grade, let's not have threadbare star wars sheets, shall we? these days, retailers such as target and ikea make it simple to have a cozy and up-to-date bed without breaking the bank. i swear. and it's always better if your sheets have seen a washing machine sometime since the clinton administration. i love the word administration.

step four: warmth. i have one word: DUVET. if you boys wonder why girls blankies are always more comfy than yours, it's because when we were in about junior high, our moms discovered the finer points of room decoration. when we're young, we constantly want to redecorate. it's madness. mothers everywhere soon realized that it's much cheaper just to by a new duvet and call it a day. duvets make an ordinary comforter somehow heavier and more heavenly. a must have.

step five: pillows. this step is slightly negotiable, however, it is important to have a separate pillow on which your significant other is able to rest her head, independently of yours. it's preferable that said pillow not have drool stains, food or any other particles of filth anywhere near it.

i think that about wraps it up. the lesson here is, treat your bed as you'd like to be treated. i take that back, boys can sleep anywhere. take pride in your nest and in return, the object(s) of your desire will be more likely to stick around. if you have a messy sleeping area, we'll assume you want us to go home, which might be the case. if so, well played. we didn't want to sleep with you either!! happy friday and happy "sleeping."

Thursday, October 04, 2007

another reason i heart the howard stern show hard

they remind me of gems like this

my favorite love letter ever

Dear Denise,

You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go fuck yourself sad jobless pig.

You are an evil piece of shit. I can't wait to tell the world what a piece of shit you are. You don't get a fucking dime till this is resolved.

go cry to your bald mom, you fucking loser.



wtfestival by erin

here are a few things that i'm thinking about right now. i had a shit storm of coffee this a.m. it was delicious, but i haven't eaten any food except for a rotten blueberry so i am a tweaker face.

first, the blue angels are flying around outside my building at work right now and i hate their guts. i know they are trained professionals but aren't we in a war right now? send those bitches over and show the iraqis what the fuck is up.
also, the howard stern show is the best thing ever. although there is this weird thing that happens when sarah silverman is smelling the balls of richard christy who never showers and poos his homer simpson boxers. if you LOL at your desk and someone says "what's so funny, what are you listening to?" and when you say "howard stern" people are like FUCK YOU YOU CHILD MOLESTING WOMAN HATER. eff you, v-neck sweater vest.

the dad from gossip girl is DILFy:
hung won top chef. i'm not into him. secondly, padma is a porno.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

unibloggal petrelli

is this thing on?
i just have to share a massive throbber that has been distracting me from productivity since yesterday afternoon when dear laurin sent it my way. heroes may be wtf'ing so far this season, but wow. if they keep peter petrelli topless all season, i'll stay tuned. SHWINGGGGG.