i was watching the today show this morning while i was hungoverly getting ready for work and ann curry and meredith vierra were giving me tips on what to wear to holiday parties. mine is tonight. i hope i don't barf.
anyway, the holidays can be a tricky time for daters, so i am going to offer a few suggestions that i hope will make your yule tidings a bit more sexified.
1. don't buy him drakkar noir. that's for 10th grade. actually do buy it for him because that way you can ensure that no other woman will both never have sex with him and also not come within fifteen feet of him.
2. don't include mention of one boyfriend/girlfriend in your family holiday update letter and accidently send that to another boyfriend/girlfriend. that actually happened to me this year and it was awkward.
3. don't walk around with mistletoe hanging above your head expecting that lots of babes will want to french you. attach it just above your zipper, instead.
4. if you have an office crush and you somehow get that person as a secret santa, don't buy them undergarments. not only will you offend them if you buy a size that's too big, but you'll have to spend every day of the coming year wondering if they're wearing them. sheer office torture!
5. if you're going home to meet the parents of a new significant other, there are a few things to keep in mind. (a) don't get drunk and sit on his dad's lap, especially if you're a boy or a REALLY hot girl - either way, dad boners are uncomfy (b) don't bring up the possibility of children, the mom will get really excited and will hate her child forever if he/she someday dumps you (c) don't have loud sex, duh. that's such a cliche from every meet the the parents rom com.
6. don't get swept up in the holiday mash fest and end up feeling lonely. if you do, you'll end up having either i'm only doing this because i don't want to cry sex, if anyone else were available i'd be doing it with them sex or please buy me a christmas present even though you hate me sex. (not sure what exactly that is, but i'm counting on one of you to figure it out for me.)
4 comments:
does that mean coolwater is okay to buy as well?
ewww. dad boners. ewwww.
god, i hate blogger. anyway.
i thought #2 might be confusing, so here's an explanation. it was poorly written and also a bad joke.
my dad likes to write those generic letters that cover the general bases for the family's last year. this year my dedicated paragraph included mention of "a new man in my life," as i became aware after a certain friend received a copy of the letter along with a christmas card from my parents.
the bad joke part comes in here. if someone were to be named specifically on one of those letters and it was then sent to others who assumed they had the right to be named in the letter, it could get uncomfy. but that didn't actually happen in my case. or something.
#1 hurts my teenage heart.
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