Friday, December 29, 2006

friday dating: 2006 and beyond


well, it's almost that time. you'll be in a semi sparkely top (unless you have a dong, please), you'll be drunk on some mix of coors light, vodka cranberries and southern comfort and as everyone knows, since it will be new years eve, you'll be ready to french. there are a few things you're going to keep at the forefront of your mind, through that boozey haze, if you want to nab yourself a midnight frenching partner. afterall, it's the one minute (literally) of the entire year where you can just grab someone and make the shit out of their face without it being weird, slutty or overtly forward.

1. first of all, play that mother cool. i mean, just don't worry too much. if all else fails, you'll end up frenching all of your either same sex friends (if your a girl of any orientation) or female friends (if you're a gay guy) or a really random and very drunk stranger (if you're a straight guy).

2. in playing it cool, you must be a floater. don't commit to one table, one bar stool, one area of the party. keep moving. it's never too late to switch to a new prospective make out partner. keep your eyes out for someone who is on a similar prowl and make sure you're within about 2 feet of them at about 11:58pm.

3. start the flirtation early in the night. nothing heavy. no need for lots of conversation. maybe start off buy finding a cute person and buying them a shot. then take off. come back in an hour or so for another. laugh a lot but don't talk. just laugh and drink. don't over think it.

4. when the countdown begins, don't go roving for any heavy eye contact with the object of your desire. hug friends, count loudly, act non chalant and if you must, casually kiss someone else first. then move in for a hug, quickly transition that into a world class french fest. know what i mean?

5. afterwards, don't assume that you're going to have a bed buddy. your mission was clear: tongue at midnight. don't get all greedy.

and lastly, happy new year, bitches.

4 comments:

george-attacker said...

I wish I had never read this. Followed these rules all too closely.

New Agey No Friends said...

this post player hated every single person at stephs party.

Anonymous said...

i explicitly remember (one of the only things i can say this about) walking around trying to ensure that everyone had secured their midnight make out partner.

everyone was mute after point number 3. just smiling and drinking.

gary tijuana said...

These rules make perfect, INTUITIVE sense. The only way they wouldn't work was if someone self-sabotaged themselves. It's NYE. Kiss everybody, that's what it's for.