Friday, October 27, 2006

clearing the air: friday style

so, we're all adults here (i hope) and so i just want to verify for you all that there are a few things that i'm sure we've all done once or twice in our lives. no need for anyone to feel uncomfy or self depricating like, "oh crap, i can't believe i did that!" because we've all been there. just give yourself a hug and try not to "hate fuck" the homeless person on the bus, because that's not exactly what i am getting at here. no need to get all extreme (literally doing the dew, if you will).

the most basic of the list is also the easiest trap to fall into. ex sex is something that is almost entirely unavoidable, unless you move to another city (something i've both done and also highly recommend). this also might fall into the i have nothing better to do sex category (see below), but in that instance, it should really only be relied upon within the first couple of months of breaking up, assuming neither of you has moved onto something else, something exclusive. the problem comes when one of you is with someone else and goes sniffing around in old territory, which usually leads to i'm thinking about someone else sex (again, see below). this is highly unacceptable and will make your ex who is not involved with another turn into a total beast. also, you're engaging in something i call eating too much cake sex. i mean, if you can get it regularly from someone you're calling a boy/girlfriend and you go to your ex, you're just being greedy. so stop hogging all of the cake and making your exes into shitty piles of relationship refuse.

that brings me to i have nothing better to do sex, as i mentioned earlier, this is fairly common among exes who suck at being together but haven't yet found a way to get it on beyond the confines of a comfy and familiar bed. when that's not the case, it usually happens with a moderately close friend who you would never consider dating. sometimes they'd like to date you and they're just there having please love me sex, which can be highly uncomfortable afterwards.

please love me sex is something along the lines of "if i show you the time of your life, maybe you'll make me your girl/boyfriend." this almost never works out. usually the person wanting the relationship will either cry or hug too tightly or do something that makes the other person want to....hate fuck you.

we all know what hate fucking is. i mean, it requires fairly little explanation. i've actually never done this and i'm not sure why anyone would, outside of the aforementioned situation. i'm assuming that most people who didn't star as rocky dennis in the mask or who aren't made entirely of cooties could probably got to delerium, for example, and find someone to have we're drunk and you look moderately attractive sex with.

we're drunk and you look moderately attractive sex can happen with either a total stranger, as i mentioned, or with someone who you're friends with. i'm not positive, but i think that it might be more advisable to go with a stranger on this one. less mess. i mean, if you were really attracted to your friend with whom you had drunken and likely terrible sex, you would already be dating them, plus you're going to have to talk to them the next day. that would be uncomfy. you want to have the kind of weekend brunch recaps with your friends that include things like "i don't really remember his name, but i thought he was cute last night." not, "i don't really think you're cute in the light of sobriety, but at least we didn't sleep alone, dear pal." know what i mean?

wait, back up, i forgot to talk about i'm thinking about someone else sex. this sucks for everyone involved. for one thing, if you're doing it with one person, but thinking about your ex, get the fuck over it already. actually, it doesn't matter who you're doing it with, if you're thinking about someone else, you should quit your job and join bright eyes. dork.

only two more to go. we're almost there. the train is almost pulling into the station, which leads me to i can't stop this train sex (thanks for the name, steph). i think this is probably only something that girls can relate to, so boys, if you ever want to be secure in the bedroom, i'd look away for a second. or actually, just skip to the next paragraph. anyway, sometimes it's easier to concede than to stop what you started. again, boys, look away. sometimes girls just want to have a nice tenth grade make out session without you trying to get all crazy with the sex. but usually things turn into pre-senior prom make out sessions and you boys just want us to give it up already. so we often give in because we don't want you to think that we have issues. you often think that if we say no we are either prude sex and man hating a-holes or that we have some kind of disease that we don't want to tell you about. see how hard it is to be a girl?

lastly, coworker sex. most people have done this. i guess it usually happens after happy hour or something like that. it's often really uncomfortable because you usually end up finding out TMI (too much information, in office lingo) about the person who sits catty corner to you in the cubical maze. like you end up going home with someone who for a year had led you to believe that he was totally cool and awesome, but come to find out that he has a coordinated duvet, pillow sham, curtain set that his mom got him from tj maxx and a large sculpture of the virgin mary by his bed. see work is a weird place, people are themselves, but only created for the work environment. they can pretty much be whomever they want to, only watered down. it's scary.

so the part where i fill you with my undending wisdom and knowledge comes here: we're all screwed up and bumping into eachother (sometimes with no pants), so the key is...just try to act normal and have fun when the lights are off because when the sun comes up, it's probably going to get weird no matter who you are or who you're doing it with.


i hate fucked my co-worker said...

umm where you in the room when i was having co-worker sex?? because that is exactly the decor that was going on.

my coworker hate fucked me said...

brillant. i have to say though that "thinking of someone else" sex can be fun in a fantasy-esque way...not the longing for an ex-sex variety. also, what about "make up sex," "sex with yo'self," or "you're just not that into it sex?"

erin is gross said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
erin is gross said...

thank you "my coworker hate fucked me." i will discuss both of those next week. please feel free to let me know if you have any additional suggestions.

New Agey No Friends said...


erin is genius said...

do you dare tread into the dangerous waters of "i hate-fucked myself" sex next week? and what about sex with robots?

j. keith van rappin said...

try "coworker sex" at a neutral place like a hotel or third co-worker's couch. could still be awkward around the office, but at least your home is still "set to private."