I carried a watermelon?!?

It was the worst “I carried a watermelon?” moment at a work meeting ever.

All our male readers may need an explanation. Unlike every girl, you dudes may not have watched Dirty Dancing 800 times over and balked in empathy when Baby informs Johnny that she “carried a watermelon” to get into the staff party.* Because how could any line ever be more embarrassing than that?

I’ll tell you what line could be more embarrassing than that. Let me start by explaining that I’m not a good presenter. It’s something I need to work on, as it’s the job of a copywriter to present their ideas in front of big groups, but I still have a way to go. So at the meeting last week to review all the ideas for a new constipation medication website, I got up in front of 20 adults to present my masterpiece: The Normalmeter (pronounced nor-MALL-mi-tur). The tool that helps people find their “normal” when it comes to their digestive issues (my job is sooo glamorous). I got so nervous when I stood up that here is what eloquently came out of my mouth:

“The point of this program is to illustrate that everyone has a different ‘normal.’
What’s normal for you might not be normal for someone else. I mean, maybe normal for you is being a vegan. And normal for me, is, um, eating puppies!”

The room grew silent and 20 faces looked at me blankly.

Finally the creative director spoke, “Uh, that’s just not normal.”

EATING PUPPIES? From what sick recess of my brain did that example spring? Good thinking, Audrey. Eating fucking puppies. Maybe normal for you is decapitating kittens and raping babies.

Well, at least everyone at the office now knows what a freak I am, so next time I say something insane they won't be surprised.

*I also used to pause and rewind the shot of Patrick Swayze’s bare ass getting out of bed. Is that normal?