for some reason i just love this commercial. for one thing, it's got a catchy tune that includes the words diarrhea (barf) and has a funny looking robot. last night, i was watching this during the most innane hour of television ever aka america's next top model (aka the least improved show on television) when this commercial came on. i was so thankful that it wasn't another day in the life of a cover girl that i made a mental note to share it with all of you. for once i actually remembered my mental note and voila! happy lil friday, bitches.

he'll save children - but not british children

someone anonymously sent me this george washington video that i'm loving not only b/c of the obvious schnauzer cameo, but mostly b/c i had NO idea that george washington invented cocaine. oh, and had dicks growing out of his feet.

THIS HAPPENED A YEAR AGO, ALMOST EXACTLY

okay, alright. everyone take a deep breath. what i'm about to tell you is a true story. yes, a TRUE story. it didn't happen to my sister's cousin's neice. and it didn't happen to my uncle's blood brother's half cousin. it happened to me.

since my last relationship ended up in the dumpster, i decided it was time to see what all the fuss about internet dating was. maybe not for love but maybe to get a free drink and who knows, right? i mean, what if??? gosh, i'm a little girl in a big city and i gots to take me some chances, no? yes.

so i signed up for the onion.com. i have a friend who has gone on a ton of dates from there and is currently in a serious relationship from there as well. granted, i find her boyfriend to be just shy of a desperate and socially awkward teenage girl, but still, she seems happy. so, i signed up. in the profile they ask you questions like which celebrity you most resemble and what one might find in your fridge - you know, stuff that counts and really lets you look deep into what kind of person i am.

after a few days of browsing and getting emails from 40-somethings who couldn't believe what a "cutie" i was and ohmigod, they like sushi too!, i realized i needed to find the awesome dudes who weren't finding me. i did some searches, and then there he was. he looked completely like he'd be one of my friends: messy hair, glasses, slight beer belly, funny profile - he seemed perfect...except for the picture that made him look like bob guiney from the bachelor. fine, nobody's perfect.

so i emailed him and used all my 200 free points that you get for signing up but if you want more have to pay for them. so yeah, i emailed him something very clever, i'm sure. he repsonded right away and was funny and we exchanged a few banterous (word?) emails. before i knew it he was asking me out on a saturday night date. now, once i passed all this by some seasoned internet dating friends, i learned that i had already broken all the rules. rules, you ask? yes, rules.

1. don't email him, let him email you. you can see who has viewed you on these sights and apparently by just viewing people a couple days in a row is your way of batting your laptop's eyes, constant glances across the internet super highway, if you will. 2. never continuously email with someone - just decide to go out and go from there. anyone can look great in gmail format, but it can all go to shit once you see that face standing next to you. 3. this is the most important rule - the most crucial - never EVER make a date for a weekend. you only have one friday and one saturday every weekend and you must save those for a 3rd or 4th date. by no means, put all your eggs in one basket and blow your wad on a saturday with a stranger. start out with a tuesday. if that goes well, maybe see him on a thursday or even a wednesday (hump day!) and then, and only then, if that goes well, do you even consider going out with him on a weekend!

well, i should have spoken to my expert friends before hand, b/c as nice as my date was, he was a gay man with erectile dysfunction. i should have known. on saturday we spoke on the phone and he called me "honey". you know on sex in the city when samantha turns to "the girls" in full on drag queen style for one of her famous one-liners and says something like, "honey, i need dick like a homeless man needs a meal!"? well, that's how he said it. it was uncomfortable.

so i met him out and of course, he didn't really look like his pictures. his beer belly was a lot more than slight and his hair was a little greasy. even after our brief phone call i was still surprised at his gay/staten island accent. but we had so much in common - we both love watching laguna beach, we both hate U2, we both hate misshapes, we both enjoy shopping and have a lot of girl-friends...and the list goes on.

remember when i said you can list which celebrity you most resemble? well, i put down mariah carey and steve harvey. i used to get mariah carey, but i in no way look like a big black man - it's absurd and i've always been told that i have a delightful sense of the absurd. well, homeboy told me that in my pictures i look like a light skinned black woman. when i blankly stared back at him he said, "what? you said you look like mariah carey and steve harvey!"

he also was very confident and told me that not only was he extremely smart, but he was also one of the most charming men i'll ever meet. and he refers to his best guy friends as his "hetero life partners". that's when i started to feel weird. by this point we were several wines and a pitcher of sangria in the hole and had started being affectionate. i kept thinking that maybe i could love a gay man. we did get along really well, i mean why not?

we kissed. gay men are good kissers. but i was convinced that maybe he only acts gay outside of the bedroom and once we were safe inside his boudioure then he'd show off what a lathario he really was. so yes, i went home with him (that's rule #4 apparently). well, lets just say he was no lathario. in fact, homeboy couldn't even get a boner, yet acted like he was burning in passion. it was so weird. seriously. i was dying. dying. honestly. i still am. and i'm starting to feel bad about writing about this. and he had a small penis. i mean, i couldn't find it. oh, i'm getting embarrassed. it felt like he had 3 balls. i'm just saying. oh god. i have to stop. but i can't. shit. he called me baby, which made me want to vomit. "baby, you want some water?" "baby, you okay? are you that tired?" oh god....so painful...

well, the next morning (rule #5 - even if you go home with him, don't stay the night!) he told me how he has a "man-crush" on paul rudd. he admitted to going to see stella just so he could try and sit next to him. needless to say, i got up and faked a phone call from work saying i had to go in on a sunday! i'm not sure why i couldn't just say i had to leave. but i did. he asked to see me again and looked him in the eye and lied my face off, "sure". i felt awful. i still do. how could i have ever been honest to him? "no thanks, you're gay with 3 balls."

monday morning rolled around and i decided that it was time to put it to bed. i let him down easy and said i was still working on getting over an ex. he wasn't an easy one to shake off, but today, wednesday, i think he finally got the hint.

with all that said, my internet dating days are over. i turned off my profile and am hoping that after you read this will decide to set me up with one of your friends the old fashioned way. whadda' you say???

UPDATE:
so, i've never gone out on another internet date, but i'd be lying if i said i didn't think about it. and i guess i'd be lying if i said i didn't sign up again, create another profile, e-flirt with a few possible dates and then almost decided it was a good idea until i was haunted by the memory of ol' 3 balls. and i'm getting to that point again when i just might make the jump. at least it was a date, no? and i learned my lesson, albeit the hard way.

but, at the end of the day, as desperate as i may feel, i'm gonna stick to old fashioned drunken makeouts and just live vicariously through those e-harmony commercials where they try very hard to get "real life couples" whose candid banter ("wait, should i be telling this story or do you want to?") is perfectly set to natalie cole's "everlasting love". carole, a middle sister and office manager, and dave, a state farm sales rep and high school wrestling champ, are happy in st. paul, mn. and honestly, i'm happy for them. seriously.

a proclamation from our president

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim November 30, 2006, as National Methamphetamine Awareness Day. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this day with appropriate programs and activities.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-seventh day of November, in the year of our Lord two thousand six, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-first.
GEORGE W. BUSH

Meanest Man Contest / Languis - Split

For our 2 potential readers who aren't somehow affiliated with sneakmove, check it out:
Our favorite pals of Meanest Man Contest have a new CD out that you can buy here! It's a split album with the fine fellas of Languis. Super great stuff.



You can listen to a sampling, too.

teen beat: a broken heart

i've been working on a special memory lane for the upcoming birthday of one of my best friends. it's lead me to unearth some serious WTFs in the pack rat department. these include letters from as far back as 7th grade. did i say letters? i meant testaments to broken hearted babies. if this isn't teen beat worthy, i don't know what is. the following note is the emotional outpouring of my distraught best friend. i changed some names because the object of her desire isn't named something ubiquitous like brian or chris...and who knows. he might be out there somewhere, still.

Erin -
(WARNING!!!!! This is an emotional letter for me! So, handle with care!)
Help! I have never been so confused. I have been more confused but this time it's bad. I am so stressed out for the first thing. I am so worried about my report that's due Friday and I've only taken notes on a couple things. Second...Ben. Or guys in general. They are so confusing! Ben, oh I'll never get over him with Nicole liking him too! Great, that is just going to make things even harder. I'm sure he likes her. It's only obvious. But, I don't know why i'm worrying. My hearts broken but hey, who gives a care? God. But i don't know why it hurts so bad inside. Now, I'm crying, it's so unfair. I thought "Hey, I really like this guy" and I thought we had something going for awhile. But obviously theres not. Maybe its me, but I tried so hard to make him like me. I am shattered inside, Erin. I don't want to like anyone but him. I say i'm leeting go, but that's a lie. My heart is incomplete. I felt so special when we were together, but now it's a mirage. It looks like its there, but its really not. I wish it were the other way around for me and Ben. See, it's like you can't see it, but it's there. It seemed like he liked me but you couldn't really see it. I believe love is blind! I know everyone has problems but why does it seem like I have so many? I feel like crap, I look like crap, I treat people like crap, I am crap. I want to be pretty, I want to feel good aboyt myself but it its just not there. Another mirage! It's also a mirage for you and Ryan. I hope things work out. I've been so mad lately. I need a guy who treats me good and doesn't kiss and leave. I mean I can't make Ben like me and I respect that. He's entitled to his own choice and he may decide that he never liked me or he may not, but that's his decision. I've been waiting for a long time and I am willing. I like him and wish thingscould be how they were at Christmas vacation. But people change and I guess that's what happened with Ben. It just faded away like your poem said. (I WROTE A POEM?!) Guys lag sometimes and boy do they hurt you emotionally. One little thing could shatter my heart. Like Ben. I totally opened my heart up and it feels like nothing can stitch up my wound. I feel emotionally scarred and I just wish I could tell Ben how wonderful he made me feel and how I wished we could have been happy 2-gether but he has a rep to keep up, of not to be a softie and can't handle a girl's heart. Well I gotta cry to sleep now. Pray for me. Man, I hope things brighten up 4 U & Ryan.
Love always & Forever.

Have they not seen previous seasons?

I understand that they’re young, and hot, and filled to their frosted tips with raging hormones, but MTV's Real World has been on for eighteen seasons. EIGHTEEN (if that doesn’t make you feel old, I don’t know what does). So, by now, even young Jersey girls like Colie, no not “collie,” Colie, should know that hooking up with the cute “I like to make out, it’s my thing” Alex the very first night you live together is a BAD idea. Even though he’s (allegedly) well-endowed. Yes, thanks to the wonders of modern microphones, the entire country now knows that 21-year-old Alex has a giant wiener, at least by Colie’s standards.

This is probably why second hot girl roommate, Jennifer, decided to hook up with Alex the NEXT NIGHT. And I quote, “Before I knew it, we were having sex!” Yes, that happens to me often… making frozen pizza, and oops, your penis is in my vagina… how did that happen? But wait, it gets better, when Colie comes down to check on the pizza, which is now practically on fire like the loins of the Real Worlders, Jennifer and Alex pretend like they weren’t just getting it on in the guest room. One little problem with your plan of betrayal, kiddos – there’s a fucking camera on you at all times! Remember? The audition tape? the mic that’s permanently affixed to your ass? That’s why you’re in Denver in the first place.

I don’t know, maybe the altitude has gone to all of their heads. I could go on about the two girls that made out in the hot tub within 12 hours of arriving in Denver, and the strict black Baptist and gay Baptist that sleep side-by-side, but I think you already get the message I’m trying to send: Best Season Ever of the Best Show on Earth!

Thank you, thank you, oh glorious MTV, you’ve done it again. I highly recommend tuning in on Wednesday at 10pm to see more of the drama unfold.

friday dating tip: "no, duh"

the holidays are a time filled with family, friends, loved ones and out of town guests. today i will bestow a bit of fairly obvious wisdom. it is not advisable to have your mother, siblings and other blood relatives within ear shot if you plan on getting it on. for some reason the taboo factor kicks in and you really want to do IT. "what if someone comes in?" "what if someone can hear us." "what if it was just real quick?" these are things that will likely run through your head as you're trying hard not to pull down your pants and those of your stowed away non-familial guest. i just realized this is probably too much information, so i'll stop. here's my advice: save up for months and pitch in on their hotel room and you can go about your business. if you're in need of some excitement think of someway to get it that doesn't involve the possibility of burning off the retinas of your nearest and dearest.

EDIT: I WOULD JUST LIKE TO INFORM EVERYONE THAT NO ONE WAS CAUGHT IN THE ACT DURING THIS THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY.

UNIGOBBLE

happy almost t-day from your pals at unibloggal!



here are ten things that we are thankful for this year:
1. our five readers
2. pies
3. cute dogs
4. cute boys
5. good butt jeans
6. sweet, sweet vodka
7. good pant shoe conversion
8. not having to get on a plane this weekend
9. kelly's mushroom gravy
10. days off

Thanksgiving Afterparty @ Madrone SATURDAY!

If you're stickin' around the bay for t-day come kick it at madrone on saturday night w / our pals Bomarr and DJ Ray Liotta! Should be good times as usual.

teen beat: in beverly hills

advanced warning: this may be a long and photo-heavy post.

i'm not sure if anyone who reads this (except cristy) is aware that after about 16 years of waiting (or at least since dvds were invented), beverly hills 90210 is finally available on laser disc. just kidding. in addition to the absolute teen beatery of everyone on the show (HAHA!), we all remember such famous episodes as the skeletons in the closet diet pill/date rape fiasco, brenda's breast cancer scare, kelly's mom on coke at the fashion show and more. all of these nuggets are available now for purchase or through rental on netflix. i'm about to begin disk six and i am pleasantly shocked each time someone pops up with a new outfit. first of all, here's my interpretation of an outfit donned by kelly taylor in the pilot:

and a few episodes later:

this is what i call "two hot babes just begging for a yeast infection." i mean, do you see how high their belts go? they don't make jeans that go this high without severely cutting into one's private area. and the absolute rampant use of black spandex! it's glorious. who wouldn't want to eff these two? (and i'm sure many of you males did - in your own minds - upon the release of shannon's stint in playboy).

here is another example of denim gone awry. they all appear to be madly in love with one another, but i just wonder how they can stand it with all of that baby blue denim! and look, donna, the perpetual virgin is absolutely not going to let a member of the opposite sex penetrate her waist region with their hand.

aye carrumba! hottie alert. look at that posture on aaandrea (totally pre-yoga!). look at those witch boots on kelly. and all of that grand canyon style cleavage on donna, not to mention brenda's catchers mit bangs. how did anyone get laid in 1990? i'm dying to know, as i was too young to know first hand. oh, wait...

it looks like we just need to ask uniblogGAL, julie, as she obviously has lots of experience canoodling with dylan mckay!

celebrity slip ups

there is a game called celebrity that the friend family plays upon occasion, namely this passed sunday at the second annual friendsgiving. it's usually when we're drunk, stuffed with food, gathered in a group and looking to create some big chill moments. big chill moments are those that you look upon as frightening because you realize that you're now the age your parents were when they had you, you're old, you're an adult and other related troubles. anyway, back to celebrity. in order to play this game, every participant must enter into a bowl, three celebrities, famous characters, musicians, literary characters etc. for the most part, the gamut is run, from 2pac to dagney talbert. the goal is to get your teammates to guess as many celebrities as you can within one minute. last night's game resulted in a few hilarious moments. they were:

1. celebrity: lou reed. in the first round of play, you're allowed to say anything you want other than the actual name of the person. this resulted in, "first name rhymes with poo." classic.

2. celebrity: michael jordan. in the second round, you use the same celebrities from the first, but you can only use two words to describe it. even if your teammates cannot guess, you're not allowed to deter from those two words. the two words provided for this clue were, "slam dump." do you sense a theme?

3. celebrity: neil patrick harris. in the last round you use the same celebrities from the two previous rounds, but you must act them out using charades. that means for every celebrity one of the gamers will either be making big fat tune in tokyo boobs with their hands (female celebrity) or they will be acting out a large beaver tailed paddle, wagging it back in forth in front of their, in this case, vagina (no boys were playing - this paddle obviously means male celebrity). given the recent announcement that little doogie howser likes boys, the clue giver in this case ended up walking around to her teammates poking them in the butt with her extended index finger.

i wish i had photos. maybe stephanie will photoshop something awesome for you to look at. if not, it's reeeally too bad for you that you missed out on the fun.

chat-a-fuckin-rama!

i love gchat as much as the next uniblogger. i really do. in fact it's gotten me thru many a boring ass day of work. though i've often wondered 'why the hell is there no way to chat with more than one person at once?'. well, today we found a loophole. you CAN chat with more than one person at a time. you just have to be sent a spreadsheet in order for this to occur. thank god our googalicious pal chris is so darn organized that he decided it'd be a rad idea to send one out to a few of us for a dinner party this sunday in order to keep track of what everyone's bringing. we all happened upon the ability to chat within this spreadsheet by accident. and it was amazing. ok... it was mostly just insanely distracting. however, it just shows that this feature will most likely be added to gmail in the near future. goodbye work! hello chatmania. shit.

lil' friday belated dance tip

i forgot yesterday to put together a unibloggal approved "to do list" for this weekend so you will all just have to fend for yourselves. i'll be back in effect next week with a very special turkey day edition.

in the meantime check out this fantastic breakdown of some popular rave dance moves by "matty walker." my favorite parts of his very educational video include the fact that he doesn't feel the need to get off the couch to teach us these combinations and that he insists on mouthing the dance instructions to the camera like his playing a pathetic game of pictionary. the boy is pure genius.

good luck people. i expect to see "big fish, little fish, cardboard box" or "deal the cards" the next time i see you on the dance floor.

i am totally sirius right now

so a couple of weeks ago i bit the bullet and signed up for god's gift to my ears (so much god talk today, erin. jeez! oh, it's cuz i went to sin city last weekend and i have TONS of sinning to make up for)...sirius satellite radio on the interweb. see, i am a die hard howard stern fan who has for the past 11 months since his transition from regular radio ignored his eff bombs and sibian rides. every friday on howie's station, they play repeats from like twenty years ago and that's not super fun to me, so i listen to actual music.

i think i have found the world's perfect radio station. it's called first wave. in the past few minutes, i've heard:

Lightning Seeds: Pure
Violent Femmes: Kiss Off
The Police: When The World Is Running Down
Nik Kershaw: Wouldn't It Be Good (this song rules!!)

and i realized two very interesting facts:
- i still hate U2, even "the old stuff"
- i actually like REM

friday dating tip: rainy weekend style

IMPORTANT EDIT: i just realized the sun just came out (kinda) and that it might not actually rain this weekend, so maybe save this one for another weekend...or the entire months of january thru april.

is anyone feeling the winter yuck feeling due to rain like i am? while i'm stuck at my desk in work clothes, it just makes me wish i was home under the covers. it also takes me back to high school when i'd be stuck inside with no car, no where to go and no one to get freaky with on a friday. here are some tips for creating the ultimate weekend indoors. thank god for adulthood, our own apartments, bigger tvs, dvds and crushes who aren't on the football team.

watch john hughes movies. i just checked out his IMDB page and let me tell you, i had no idea what a prolific writer he is! his resume includes such obvious hits as "sixteen candles," "breakfast club" and "pretty in pink," but also "some kind of wonderful," "planes, trains & automobiles," "uncle buck" and more. who knew!? now boys, we know that you don't care if john bender (judd nelson) and claire is a fat girl's name (molly ringwald) make out after he puts her diamond earring in his ear. however, if you act like you do, you might get laid. which brings me to...

stay in your jammies all day. this way, when you eat the whole thing of macaroni and cheese (and/or brownies) out of the pan, your jeans won't be too tight. i realize that jammies aren't sexy, but they're easy to take off, which is sexy in itself. don't you agree? (disclaimer: it might be a good idea to wait about 30 mins after pan emptying before jammie removal)

find a comfy blanket. see step four from last week's tips. nothing says rainy day like dragging your blankie off your bed and onto the couch along with a couple of pillows. that shit is heaven right there, nah mean?

get the perfect partner. not just anyone is suitable for a day of mushy movies, crappy warm food and for seeing your butt in old navy pj bottoms that you got for christmas your sophomore year of college. you have to find someone who is equally committed to comfort, coziness and who won't pressure you to go outside, for god's sake. this person also must kiss like a champ, like your messy hair and lack of makeup and have a pair of his own jammies. (sorry, this had a slightly feminine tilt.) there is really something to be said for someone who doesn't mind just fucking sitting there all day.

that is, until the mash kicks in...

here's a song to go with your weekend indoors, wishing the rain would go away. thank you to the quarbmeister for making my ears happy with this tune. you can almost hear the raindrops on the window.

Brooklyn Poachers

No need to get nervous, fellow Brooklynites. That is, unless you like to poop off of power lines. This morning I was perusing my local paper, and read an interesting expose on a recent wave of parrot poachers in Brooklyn. Parrots in Brooklyn you say?

The article claims the wild monk parrot population is being decimated by unidentified individuals climbing trees while armed with humongous nets. The lil' squakers are kidnapped for breeding and then sold for a whopping $25. How can I witness this?

ILLEGAL AVIANS!
According to BrooklynParrots.com, the birds escaped into Brooklyn in the late 1960's, when a shipment from South America was accidentally released at JFK. 60,000 birds flew the coop. Lucky me. Now we're neighbors.

Is your curiosity peaked? Then check out the Wild Brooklyn Parrot Safari on Saturday, December 2nd, 2006, at 12 Noon. And wear a hat.

got hoes in every area code??

trouble keepin' track of all of yer bitchez? want to avoid them at certain times of the month if possible? well shiiiiiiiit... now this handy dandy software can be downloaded to your pimp ass cell phone and you can keep track of "if/when she has her menstruation, when the ovulation is/how probable it is that she gets pregnant, and how big the PMS effect currently is. Can handle multiple women ;) "
seriously, whatever douchebag decided to market this to men instead of women as a potentially positive and helpful tool shall be cursed with a period of his (and hopefully not her) own 365 days a year for the rest of time.

Eternally damned on the subway

This morning, I spent 25 minutes in a crowded subway car with a man preaching loudly about Jesus.

“The end of the world is near,” he warned me and 85 other captive riders. “And all those who have not found salvation in Jesus Christ will go to hell.”

The woman next to me got up to move to the other side of the car.

“You cannot escape hell.” He continued, eyeing the defector. “Hell is an eternal circle of fire that burns for eternity.”

“That’s more appealing than being stuck in this car listening to you,” she hissed.

When I could stand his speech no longer, I exited at West 4th street and walked the last twelve blocks. If there is a God, He/She certainly cannot approve of His/Her messengers lecturing an overcrowded group of people on their way to work who have yet to get their morning coffee. That does nothing for His/Her image.

Asdf%$#R!@

here's a glimpse of my computer screen.
it's looked like this the entire day.

man, those tattooed zits look so real!

Via Boing Boing

creepy pervert of the year award

i was a latch key kid and a ten year old babysitter and subsequently, i am kind of freaked out by coming home to an empty house, even as an old grandma. i come home, look behind the shower curtain, peek in closets and underbeds to be sure no one is home. today a good pal sent me a link to the following article. i should say formerly good pal, because i will never sleep again. and if i ever have kids, they will never have a bed like this.


A PAEDO seduced a girl of 12 — then lived in her bedroom for THREE MONTHS without her mother finding out. Scott Jennings, 22, cut a giant hole in the bottom of the youngster’s divan bed then used it as a secret den to evade detection if somebody came into the room. He systematically abused the girl. And when she went to school in the morning, Jennings slipped out of the house to find food. Jennings, of Ashton-under-Lyne, Gtr Manchester, befriended the girl on a bus last year. He began chatting her up, persuaded her to give him her mobile phone number and then arranged a date. When they met, Jennings said he had nowhere to live and confided that he was wanted by police for a minor dishonesty offence. He told the girl he needed somewhere to hide and was taken into her home unnoticed. The pair then cut a hole in the bottom section of her bed enabling him to hide in it whenever her mum came in. Click here for more.

Ugly guys, start your engines!

I've seen my fair share of surgically plucked/tightened/enhanced women fawning over puny, bald men in Prada suits (I did grow up in Los Angeles). So the concept of extreme wealth translating into a one-way ticket to dating someone out of your league is not all that foreign.

However, I haven't seen this kind of socialization translated into a business model. Wait, I retract. The Russian mail order brides have been around for decades. But what if you don't want to commit to an actual bride? What if you're just ugly, rich, lonely...and Chinese?
Well, here's your solution! Shanghai now boasts a new cruise line just for you. Men, you must make $250,000 or more. Ladies, you must be "attractive in every category" (I could dedicate an entire post to speculation about the range of categories). And according to the Headline News Service, "twenty men have signed up so far and less than 30 out of 1,000 women who applied have been accepted." So all you hot slutty gold-diggers, get to it!

Get Donkeyed

One of the features in last Sunday's New York Times Magazine's comedy issue highlighted the new crop of up and comers whose proverbial cream is rising via YouTube.

Since Sunday, there has been some critique regarding the lack of women mentioned in the mag (more specifically over at Broadsheet and Huffpo).

Usually, I'm all about getting embroiled in those arguments. However, this time I've been completely blinded by the stars in my eyes like a big fat proud mama. You see, one of the groups highlighted in the Times Mag is made up of a couple of my bestest buddies. Those four dudes make up the comedy quattro Handsome Donkey.
Aaron Greenberg/Donkey 4, (who incidentally helped me get an A in 9th grade Spanish -- as a college roommate, another story) hopes the group's high value on production quality pays out amongst the throng of amateur looking videos on YouTube. More specifically, that people will have “the desire to see something like what we did rather than the desire to see somebody get hit in the crotch.” Fair enough.

And for all you feminists, Greenberg's little sister Emily is the breakout star of their short Le Montage, putting the boys and all their production value, to shame.

Nik Daum

When I go up to Portland, I stay with my dear pal Jay. Not only is his place home to the only cat on the face of the planet that i'm not allergic to, it also boasts a cozy lil’ front room. This room is fit for lots of things – the lighting is quite flattering. However, what it does best is display a series of drawings by Nik Daum. I love his drawings. And it’s not just the lighting.

Lucky for me - and now for you - I recently found his website which is filled with drawings, animation and tons of other fantastic art. Definitely spend some time looking around for yourselves.

Here are a few of my faves to get you started:





(If you like what you see you can buy a couple of his books here and here.)

one of the many benefits of being single

According to a BBC-This World news report, 60% of Japanese women are experiencing what is known as "Retired Husband Syndrome." The report states, that retired Japanese men "having spent years "married to their jobs", are having an extraordinary effect on the health of their partners."

The article focuses on baby-boomer wives who, after years of growing apart and being treated like commodities in the household by their hustbands, literally get physcially sick at the thought of spending their golden years with the man, now stranger, they married all those years ago.

What's my favorite quote from the article you ask? So glad you did. Here goes: "When I thought about my husband being at home, I developed rashes on my body and had stomach ache," admits Mrs Terakawa. "On occasions I would throw up after I had eaten."

Since I'm newly married I guess I'm screwed. All you single ladies can rejoice, have tons of hot single sex and feel confident when eating that you can keep your food down.

teen beat: slightly x-rated

it's rare that you go to a movie about which you know nothing prior to sitting in your seat. i recently went to see shortbus, the new John Cameron Mitchell (writer/director of hedwig and the angry inch) film which, "explores the lives of several emotionally challenged characters as they navigate the comic and tragic intersections between love and sex in and around a modern-day underground salon." not only are there lots of cute and naked humans in the movie, but it starts with three of the most hilarious "money shots" i've ever seen. also, the soundtrack totally rules and i highly recommend that you go see it with someone you can make out with afterwards. an hour and 40 minutes of orgasm quests might slightly bum you out if you go with your cousin or boss or someone like that.

this is the poster:

Nope, no paparazzi here.

We may be blocks away from the projects and have stray weaves discarded on our streets. But Boerum Hill is still the coolest neighborhood to live in Brooklyn, possibly in all of New York. Don’t believe me? Ask my neighbor, Heath Ledger.

And from New York Magazine:

Are things better, paparazzi-wise, in Brooklyn?
Absolutely. We probably get two lone photographers who wander out to Brooklyn maybe twice a year. It’s the closest we’ve ever come to feeling like we can lead a normal life, so we really value it. We know everyone on our block. We’ve localized ourselves. I don’t think there’s another place on earth I’d rather be right now. We’re very happy.

Oh yeah, my roommates and I totally hang out with Heath, Michelle and little Matilda all the time. Last week they came over for game night. I kicked Michelle's ass at Taboo!

(Thanks Gawker via Claire and Terryl)

Baby Baby D.

sweet baby dayliner c. 1989

(thanks newageyfriendfriend)

eardelicious?

British band Duran Duran are collaborating with Justin Timberlake on their new album.

Lead singer Simon Le Bon said Timberlake had contributed "in a writing and production manner" on a forthcoming song.

He added that they had also worked with producer Timbaland on three tracks and other producers were interested.

The band, who are currently touring Europe and the US, recently split with guitarist Andy Taylor.

Le Bon added: "We've got some good stuff happening. We've done three tracks with Timbaland.

(this makes me really excited.)

Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus

sorry guys... this is not a review of this movie. it's not a review of this movie b/c as a huge fan of diane arbus' amazing photography there are too many things about this movie that will most likely make me wanna chuck my popcorn at the screen. first and foremost, why is it an "imaginary" portrait? diane arbus, and the real story of her life and art are perfectly interesting enough without garbling the public's understanding of who she truly was with an imaginary hollywood plotline. secondly, nicole kidman playing one of my favorite artists just plain old hurts my heart. i know she was great with that prosthetic nose in 'the hours' and all, but after suffering through her in the stoned scene in 'eyes wide shut', i really can't watch her any more. i'm actually surprised she's still acting b/c with all of the botox she's had put in her face it's a triumph of nature that she can even still make expressions at all. i'm aware that this is a full on haterish post based purely on my biases but damn... it's like carrot top playing van gogh or fred durst playing frank sinatra. right? okay, maybe not. anyway, if you've seen this film and think it's great or can shine any more light on it, definitely do. until then, i will remain pessimistic on my island of art snobbery in completely blind denial that this film could possibly be wonderful.
you can watch the trailer here:

This weekend in Brooklyn

I’m going to be out of town this weekend, so I’m tempted to leave you all to fend for yourselves as far as entertainment goes. BUT, there are two events this Saturday in Brooklyn that are too good to pass up. Some one needs to go in my absence and fill me in on the details.

The second annual meeting of the corduroy appreciation club.
It is being held tomorrow night, 11|11 (because that is the date that most resembles corduroy) at The Montauk Club in Brooklyn. Advanced tickets are $18. At least two corduroy items must be donned.

Also on 11|11: Cringe TV
It’s the taping of the Cringe television pilot this Saturday night. Go to Freddy’s Bar and Backroom in Brooklyn to watch people (possibly you) bare their teenage souls by reading straight from their teenage diaries, journals, notes, letters, poems, and songs.

Sorry, I got nothin’ for tonight. Go see Borat. I saw it last night and nearly peed in my pants (not so much because it was funny but because I had a large Coke and the lines were too long for the bathroom). But seriously, I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. It was either laugh or cry. I chose laughter. And, note to Laurin: how could those frat boys NOT have been real?? It’s too frightening for someone to have created. I’m headed south of the Mason-Dixon line tonight. I’ll let you know how it goes.

BTW: the only scene of the Borat moviefilm that I think was staged was the part with Pamela Anderson. That was about as real as her boobs.

america loves borat...except these two

After seeing the Borat movie this week I kept wondering which scenes with random folks on the road were real and which were staged. After talking it over wtih several friends I was convinced that the drunken frat boy scene was a fake. For one, how do you happen to stumple upon a Winnebago of drunken idiot douchebags while you're filming a movie that pokes fun at America and the drunken idiot douchebags that make up most of this country?

Apparently I don't know dick and the scene was actually "real." According to an AP news release, two of the frat boys featured in the film are suing "Borat" (more specifically 20th Century Fox and the other production companies responsible for the film.) According to the lawsuit the plaintiffs are claiming the film "made (them) the object of ridicule, humiliation, mental anguish and emotional and physical distress, loss of reputation, goodwill and standing in the community."

Funny, the last time I was drunk I don't recall ever saying anything racist, sexist or homophobic. But I guess that's just little ol' me. Good luck guys. I'm sure America will get behind you. Especially women, the gays, minorities and any of other groups you claimed were "taking over the country."

A Series of Letters to the First Girl I Ever Fingered by Michael Ian Black

It's Friday and I'm sure that we're all in need of some mid-day comic relief. Good thing Michael Ian Black's myspace blog post today is frickin' hilarious. Here are the first two in his "Series of Letters to the First Girl I Ever Fingered ".
Go here to read the rest.


"Dear Emily,
Hi! How are you? I hope this letter finds you well. I don't know if you remember me or not, but I'm the guy who fingered you at sleepaway camp.

Anyway, I was just thinking about that, so I thought I would write and see how everything turned out with you.

Your friend (kind of),
Michael Ian Black


Dear Emily,
After not getting a response, I have become very worried that my last letter somehow offended you. Confused, I reread what I wrote several times, and finally came to the conclusion that, if you were offended, it was probably the part about fingering you that did it.

If so, I am very sorry. Not about fingering you (which was great), but about referring to it so candidly after not communicating with you in over twenty years. So, I'm sorry. In the future, if I refer to fingering you at all, I will try to be a little more discreet.

Very sorry,
Michael Ian Black"

P.S.
He'll be performing next month with Michael Showalter at the Independent.

(thanks for the link bomarr)

lil' friday funtacular weekend to do list

This week's dance tip courtesy of "my little pony" Parker and Lee Montgomery from the 1985 pre-teen dance movie from heaven, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." The sound is poo but you'll get the idea. If you do any of these routines, I promise you'll get laid.

thursday

If you enjoy free entertainment I urge you to get yo' self down to 111 Minna on Thursday night for the 06 Goldies featuring some fantabulous Bay Area acts like Hey Willpower and unibloggal favs Honeycut and Passage.

For a mellower evening, indie folk darlings Page France are playing at Bottom of the Hill.

friday

After a long hard day of procrastinating at work (you know that's all friday is good for) why not enjoy some good ol' fashioned electronic craziness with Richard Fearless (1/2 of Death in Vegas) and wacky Ohio duo, Gil Mantera's Party Dream at Club Mezzanine. This would be an opportune venue to show off your new GJWHF dance moves.

saturday

If a price tag of $32.50 doesn't immediately induce vomiting and you don't mind hanging out with a large crowd then Be the Riottt! might just be the perfect thing for you. Feel free to shake what your mama gave ya to acts ranging from The Rapture, Girltalk, Birdmonster, and many, many others.

Admittedly, I'm not a huge noise fan, but if you dig it then Wolf Eyes are one of the bigger acts in the scene today. With a new album out on Sub Pop, these Michigan boys are rocking Bottom of the Hill tonight. Plus, every mission hipster in town will be there! Score.

From the vault:

Anthony Michael Hall might just have the best agent in Hollywood. How did I miss this?

when the gays win, the children cry

nice outfit, dork.
(thanks to jeremy for the photo and clever headline)

Daddy, I want that one!

Despite living in New York for almost three months, I still read the San Francisco Chronicle on an almost daily basis. This probably makes little sense considering I:
1. now live in the home of the New York Times, and
2. well, it's the Chronicle.

But today as I was scanning the lovely periodical of the bay, I discovered a nugget that will give those in SF another reason to love their city and us east coasters pangs of homesicknesses.
What could that discovery be? None other than San Francisco's own dildo factory. Check out the article here for details on the factory. And the best part? (Other than thoughts of faux penises dancing in your head) are the aptly enthused employees with the "best working conditions and employee benefits this side of the dot-com boom."

fans of vintage prog rock unite

"Tony Banks, Phil Collins and Mike Rutherford of the iconic band Genesis unveiled the dates for their first tour in 15 years. Turn It On Again - the tour, will see the band play a series of stadium concerts in Europe in the summer of 2007." During a press conference yesterday, Collins mentioned plans for 20 dates in the US next year, but provided no additional information. Peter Gabriel and Steve Hackett, also founding members of the band, are not part of the tour as far as I can tell, which may disappoint fans of Genesis' earlier work (not yours truly however because i love me some phil collins.)

To stream of few of Genesis' hits from the early to mid seventies, go here and enjoy.

mustache rides

lately i've been really obsessed with this song and the video is also fairly amazing.

teen beat electionday

last evening i opened my mailbox to quite a bit of excitement. my little sisters frequently sell magazines to raise money for various high and junior high school activities. i usually end up with a random mish mash of reading materials that gather themselves in various crevices of my apartment. every once in awhile i get an interview with michelle williams on the cover or like last night, a rolling stone with these lovely gentleman on the cover.

the article is written by maureen dowd and is really quite hilarious.

i was going to write something about some really hot politicians through the decades, but i could only think of two. i've already written about bill clinton (he's a mental dilf, ok), barack obama was just on the cover of men's vogue (too cliche for a post dedicated to hot dudes) and matt gonzalez rides my bus and i want him to some day read unibloggal, so it would be too embarrassing to write about him.

did ya vote yet?

shock of the century

After a little more than two years of healthy, functional, classy marriage, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have decided to call it quits. Mrs. Spears filed for divorce on Tuesday citing "irreconcilable differences." I wonder what those were exactly? Is it because Kevin Federline is the living embodiment of a douche bag? (via ccn)

Kevin Federline - Crazy (feat. Britney Spears)

Sex and the City for seniors

I don’t usually like to double up on a theme and blog about the same thing I discussed in You Nork. BUT, I’d like to expand today’s topic... the Golden Girls.

I’ve started watching reruns every morning over my bowl of cereal. And now I can’t conceive of starting my day without a healthy dose of those feisty old ladies. I recall watching them every week as a kid, but back then I didn't understand even one quarter of the sexual innuendos. And there are so many! Those are some dirty, dirty grandmas.

Which leads me to for thesis for the day: Golden Girls is Sex and the City for seniors. Replace New York with Miami, substitute late night clubbing with late night talks at the kitchen table, toss out the cosmopolitans for chamomile tea, and they’re the same damn show!



Dorothy = Carrie (the heroine of the story, the most down to earth, the one we sympathize with the most)
Rose = Charlotte (naïve but lovable)
Sophia = Miranda (intelligent, cynical, and always ready with some witty remark)
Blanche = Samantha (duh, I don’t even need to explain this one)

So, next time we’re singing the praises of that brilliant HBO series, I think we need to give a shout out to the O.G. Female Foursome.

The only difference: Golden Girls was on network television, so there are none of the steamy bedroom scenes. Thank GOD. Otherwise I’d probably have to barf up my cereal.

reminder people

it was nice being friends with you all

not a day goes by that i don't fantasize about having a wonderful doggy of my own. alas, i live in the city with a landlord who cares about the hardwood floors and work too much anyway. still, i dream of the day when i can take my what will most likely end up being the ugliest bearded dog ever on trips to the park and the beach and to visit my friends. i've thrown some potential dog names around such as clyde or beardo the weirdo but have decided that i'll probably choose to name this four legged friend after one of my sweet pals. first and last name. "travis lodolce, what's in your mouth?" "sorry... julie bunim's just in heat right now."
how will i choose which pal to name my new dog after you wonder? well it's just going to depend on who he/she resembles most. please see following pics to view your potential namesake!





enjoy this smash single from the wesh comp album as you check out your friend's pix!
even more butts by billy bananas featuring gary tijuana
(b/c really what do dogs like more than butts?)

crappy celebrity news

this kind of makes me want to vomit:

Producers of the new 'Dirty Dancing' movie have finally found the man whom they think will be perfect for Patrick Swayze's role. According to inside reports, TV actor Mario Lopez managed to impress the film's producers with his cha-cha moves as a contestant on TV show 'Dancing with the Stars'.

(thanks for the link, matt)

sunday morning dating tip

don't do borat voices in the "sack."
that's all.
(note: this has never happened to me)

speaking out of line

can anyone properly explain why it's acceptable to like the police and not sting? i mean, i know, in my gut i just can't put it into words. is it the name sting? is it that he is constantly doing yoga? is it that he's like bono gone new age? help. i need help.

friday dating: keeping it on the home front

following last week's post, one of you said something that inspired my thursday night, as well as today's issue of the friday dating tips. today i will highlight the glories of dating yourself, at least from time to time. yesterday evening i was faced with the prospect of an empty apartment, a plan free evening and bountiful television options. i embraced this and turned it into an opportunity to take myself on a date...at home. this is what i did.

i got dinner from mcbaker, my corner store. cottage cheese and a tomato later and i was nourished. i didn't have to share, cook or do dishes. it was a perfect solo meal.

i hung out with my cat, simon.

we talked about what he was going to do today, yet another rainy day. he decided to hang out with our other pets, the dust bunnies. he also mentioned something about trying to work out that hair ball while i wasn't there to beg him to shut up. he's also going to balance our check book and take out the trash. good boy.

after that, i came within two clues of finishing the thursday new york times crossword puzzle. this is a magical thing. while i did the puzzle, i watched ATL and imagined that i was a really good roller skater.

then came tv. it was an awful conundrum because the oc season premiere was airing at the same time as grey's anatomy. i decided to record (on vhs! remember those?) the oc while watching stephanie's girlfriend ellen pompeo act like a douche rag with the other stars of seattle grace. unfortunately, dating yourself and getting into bed at 6:30pm isn't really very good for the energy levels. i was asleep by 9:45. if i did this on an actual date, i definitely wouldn't have gotten to second base.

i think the lesson here is to embrace your inner nerd and don't be afraid to spend some time alone with your geekdom. and eff you to the person who forwarded last week's post to my mom.

lil' friday - get out there people and live dammit

thursday = lil' friday = plan your weekend day. that's why each thursday the unibloggets will be posting a calendar of recommendations to get your weekend started off on the right foot. if you don't take our recommendations, don't blame us for a shitty weekend. also, to help you score with the lads or lassies on your evenings out we will be posting lil' friday dance tips. (please note the video above...and enjoy) thank you for your time and you're welcome.

*currently this is an SF only edition, but don't fret new yorkers. we're not forgetting about you...it just takes time to wrap our heads around all the fun that's to be had.

friday

there's actually something going on in oakland you say? that's right its the first friday of november which means its time for oakland art mumur -- the east bay's monthy art gallery hopping extravaganza. come on down, check out some rad art (like unibloggal pal sita rupe's show at INDUSTRIELLE,) have some free wine and stare a cute boys in tight pants. its fun for the whole family.

saturday

using the above dance tip, make your way to san francisco's infamous gay club "the stud" and shake your ass at "playboy" - the monthly party for men and women at the MANsion hosted by the city's favorite Playboy Ryan Robles & Playgirl Juanita MORE. better yet its ryan's going away party so go wish him well, buy him a drink, give him a kiss, i don't care, just get there.

get your geeky love song on with casiotone for the painfully alone at bottom of the hill. make sure to drink lots of wine before you go and put on your best meloncholy outfit. if you haven't heard of casiotone here's a song to get you started.
CFTPA - Hott Boyz (Missy Elliot cover)

if you didn't get enough art on friday, the boys of anitcon are throwing a little art party of their own. bring it.

sunday

take a nap and go see borat's new film. it will help you laugh the friday and saturday night calories away.

the late afternoon blues

it's raining in the city
i can smell the concrete

i wore the wrong shoes
i have wet and cold feet

i'm dreaming of how cozy
it would be on my couch

but i'm stuck here at work
with my boss the big grouch

i just want one hot tottie
is that so much to ask

do you think it'd be weird
if i pulled out a flask?

just a little while to go
t-minus two hours

goodbye indian summer
hello november showers

Why San Francisco gotta be all ghetto and shit?

Believe me, I am a number one fan of San Francisco.

It is rare that a New Yorker does not catch me singing the praises of the city by the Bay. It is my home, my lover, my friend. If San Francisco had a kidney problem, I'd totally give up my left one.

BUT, what is up with this violent Castro Halloween nonsense? You didn't see any gunshot wounds at the Village Parade. Why does good, clean, gay fun need to be destroyed by a few armed assailant? As they say, a one gun-toting apple ruins the whole barrel. (Bushel? Pack? Bunch? What do apples come in?)

I'm disappointed in you San Francisco. You've let me down. Don't let it happen again.

impending doom

i tend to run with a super fun, attractive and hilarious crowd of folks (hello there, friends). we regularly drink a fair number of adult beverages in one sitting, engage in rowdy dance parties from time to time, hang out in big mixed gendered groups, often staying up much past regular bar business hours. sometimes when you put all of these items in a test tube, people get weird.

have you ever experienced the sensation of waking up after a night of fun and libations to a feeling that i call impending doom? you know when you have too many beverages and you start to say things that would normally not exit your mouth sans booze? you become way more touchy and a little bit uncomfortable with some of your moderately close friends? you might accidentally give one of your friend's boyfriends a lap dance. you might momentarily swap sexual orientations. perhaps you told someone your deepest darkest secret without really knowing their name. but you're not really positive that you remember exactly how these things went down, leaving you uncertain and very guilty. this stuff happens.

i would like to suggest that since most of us have been in this situation more than once (or twenty if you're me), we should all collectively do an act of good samaritanism and forgive and forget. every religion in the world (i think) calls for people to forgive those who trespass against them. so, let it out. move on. until next friday when it happens again.

Powered by liquid crack

Crowds, floats, puppets and drunk people dancing. Now that's what I call Halloween. The 33rd Annual Village Halloween Parade in Manhattan last night was nothing short of amazing. And on what other night does one get to take the subway home at 1am with both Jesus and Mr. Peanut IN THE SAME CAR! There's a pair that I never thought I'd see together.

This little video snippet of the parade is dedicated to some of my very special friends out in San Francisco. You know who you are.