THIS HAPPENED A YEAR AGO, ALMOST EXACTLY

okay, alright. everyone take a deep breath. what i'm about to tell you is a true story. yes, a TRUE story. it didn't happen to my sister's cousin's neice. and it didn't happen to my uncle's blood brother's half cousin. it happened to me.

since my last relationship ended up in the dumpster, i decided it was time to see what all the fuss about internet dating was. maybe not for love but maybe to get a free drink and who knows, right? i mean, what if??? gosh, i'm a little girl in a big city and i gots to take me some chances, no? yes.

so i signed up for the onion.com. i have a friend who has gone on a ton of dates from there and is currently in a serious relationship from there as well. granted, i find her boyfriend to be just shy of a desperate and socially awkward teenage girl, but still, she seems happy. so, i signed up. in the profile they ask you questions like which celebrity you most resemble and what one might find in your fridge - you know, stuff that counts and really lets you look deep into what kind of person i am.

after a few days of browsing and getting emails from 40-somethings who couldn't believe what a "cutie" i was and ohmigod, they like sushi too!, i realized i needed to find the awesome dudes who weren't finding me. i did some searches, and then there he was. he looked completely like he'd be one of my friends: messy hair, glasses, slight beer belly, funny profile - he seemed perfect...except for the picture that made him look like bob guiney from the bachelor. fine, nobody's perfect.

so i emailed him and used all my 200 free points that you get for signing up but if you want more have to pay for them. so yeah, i emailed him something very clever, i'm sure. he repsonded right away and was funny and we exchanged a few banterous (word?) emails. before i knew it he was asking me out on a saturday night date. now, once i passed all this by some seasoned internet dating friends, i learned that i had already broken all the rules. rules, you ask? yes, rules.

1. don't email him, let him email you. you can see who has viewed you on these sights and apparently by just viewing people a couple days in a row is your way of batting your laptop's eyes, constant glances across the internet super highway, if you will. 2. never continuously email with someone - just decide to go out and go from there. anyone can look great in gmail format, but it can all go to shit once you see that face standing next to you. 3. this is the most important rule - the most crucial - never EVER make a date for a weekend. you only have one friday and one saturday every weekend and you must save those for a 3rd or 4th date. by no means, put all your eggs in one basket and blow your wad on a saturday with a stranger. start out with a tuesday. if that goes well, maybe see him on a thursday or even a wednesday (hump day!) and then, and only then, if that goes well, do you even consider going out with him on a weekend!

well, i should have spoken to my expert friends before hand, b/c as nice as my date was, he was a gay man with erectile dysfunction. i should have known. on saturday we spoke on the phone and he called me "honey". you know on sex in the city when samantha turns to "the girls" in full on drag queen style for one of her famous one-liners and says something like, "honey, i need dick like a homeless man needs a meal!"? well, that's how he said it. it was uncomfortable.

so i met him out and of course, he didn't really look like his pictures. his beer belly was a lot more than slight and his hair was a little greasy. even after our brief phone call i was still surprised at his gay/staten island accent. but we had so much in common - we both love watching laguna beach, we both hate U2, we both hate misshapes, we both enjoy shopping and have a lot of girl-friends...and the list goes on.

remember when i said you can list which celebrity you most resemble? well, i put down mariah carey and steve harvey. i used to get mariah carey, but i in no way look like a big black man - it's absurd and i've always been told that i have a delightful sense of the absurd. well, homeboy told me that in my pictures i look like a light skinned black woman. when i blankly stared back at him he said, "what? you said you look like mariah carey and steve harvey!"

he also was very confident and told me that not only was he extremely smart, but he was also one of the most charming men i'll ever meet. and he refers to his best guy friends as his "hetero life partners". that's when i started to feel weird. by this point we were several wines and a pitcher of sangria in the hole and had started being affectionate. i kept thinking that maybe i could love a gay man. we did get along really well, i mean why not?

we kissed. gay men are good kissers. but i was convinced that maybe he only acts gay outside of the bedroom and once we were safe inside his boudioure then he'd show off what a lathario he really was. so yes, i went home with him (that's rule #4 apparently). well, lets just say he was no lathario. in fact, homeboy couldn't even get a boner, yet acted like he was burning in passion. it was so weird. seriously. i was dying. dying. honestly. i still am. and i'm starting to feel bad about writing about this. and he had a small penis. i mean, i couldn't find it. oh, i'm getting embarrassed. it felt like he had 3 balls. i'm just saying. oh god. i have to stop. but i can't. shit. he called me baby, which made me want to vomit. "baby, you want some water?" "baby, you okay? are you that tired?" oh god....so painful...

well, the next morning (rule #5 - even if you go home with him, don't stay the night!) he told me how he has a "man-crush" on paul rudd. he admitted to going to see stella just so he could try and sit next to him. needless to say, i got up and faked a phone call from work saying i had to go in on a sunday! i'm not sure why i couldn't just say i had to leave. but i did. he asked to see me again and looked him in the eye and lied my face off, "sure". i felt awful. i still do. how could i have ever been honest to him? "no thanks, you're gay with 3 balls."

monday morning rolled around and i decided that it was time to put it to bed. i let him down easy and said i was still working on getting over an ex. he wasn't an easy one to shake off, but today, wednesday, i think he finally got the hint.

with all that said, my internet dating days are over. i turned off my profile and am hoping that after you read this will decide to set me up with one of your friends the old fashioned way. whadda' you say???

UPDATE:
so, i've never gone out on another internet date, but i'd be lying if i said i didn't think about it. and i guess i'd be lying if i said i didn't sign up again, create another profile, e-flirt with a few possible dates and then almost decided it was a good idea until i was haunted by the memory of ol' 3 balls. and i'm getting to that point again when i just might make the jump. at least it was a date, no? and i learned my lesson, albeit the hard way.

but, at the end of the day, as desperate as i may feel, i'm gonna stick to old fashioned drunken makeouts and just live vicariously through those e-harmony commercials where they try very hard to get "real life couples" whose candid banter ("wait, should i be telling this story or do you want to?") is perfectly set to natalie cole's "everlasting love". carole, a middle sister and office manager, and dave, a state farm sales rep and high school wrestling champ, are happy in st. paul, mn. and honestly, i'm happy for them. seriously.