fun rulez

in case you missed it (and if you're reading this, you probably did not), last saturday was just about the best time ever. because we find do/don't lists to be, for the most part, hilarious and awesome, we've recapped this evening of greatness in that very manner:


do: carbo load.

don't: kiss like either of these people.

do: dance with heartfelt emotion...and lots of ladies.

don't: stand so close to the rapper, bro.

do: yin and yang.

don't: play massive amounts of air piano.

do: take excellent care while handling your friend's pet

don't: put said pet down your pants

do: in the name of your special beanie lizard friend, kick the crap out of your human friend who put said special friend down his pants.


and for the biggest do of them all: keep the blondes full of vodka...we're parched.

lastly, big thanks to the djs for being both fun and evil at the same time.

Mc Whatthefuck

"Hedgehogs have finally humbled burger giant McDonald's after years of campaigning, forcing the company to redesign its killer McFlurry ice-cream containers."

This has got to be one of the most random bits of news I've read in ages. Click here to read the entire "Hedgehogs humble McDonalds" article.

Thanks for the info Jules.

caffeine detox day one

today is my first day off caffeine. yikes! i'm not quite sure why i'm doing this. maybe its because i drink coffee like water, could drink a double latte at 2 am and then go to bed or because i have been drinking coffee everyday, multiple times a day, since i was 15. i love coffee, the ritual of that first cup in the morning or that delicious pick me up in the afternoon. it is my favorite vice. but, not being able to feel the effects of caffeine at all has me thinking maybe, just maybe, its time for a break. right now i'm drinking a decaf coffee in an vain attempt to trick my body into believing i'm getting my morning cup. i gotta ease myself into this bitches. this afternoon i'll be introduced to my new best friend...green tea. i'll keep you updated on my progress (because i'm sure you're on the edge of your seat to hear what happens next) but as a word of warning: if my posts become irratic, weird, or just plain nutso, you know why.

betty ford, here we come!

what better way to spend your memorial day (EDIT: i was just made aware that it's actually labor day. put away your white clothes, everyone. yachting season is long gone) weekend than in various states of intoxication with the closest thirty members of your friend family. here's a tentative agenda of the weekend's plans. we're starting early, so sue us.

thursday, 8/31: beauty bar dance party followed by little baobob debauchery
friday, 9/1: afterwork zeitgeist drink-o-thon, followed by mission bar crawl
saturday, 9/2: oakland athletics vs. baltimore orioles. meet us in the bleachers for big beers and veggie dogs.
sunday, 9/3: trip to target (this is personal, no need to attend), drinks at stephanie's house of love followed by a rickshaw stop dance party
monday, 9/4: to be determined bbq and/or drinking in the park

please enquire with erin, your cruise director, if you have any questions.

hot dog!

ikea insists the dog featured in the first photo of their 2007 catalog--who appears to be the proud owner of an unusually large human penis--has not been altered in any way. this has been blowin' up on the blog-o-sphere but in the off chance my favorite unibloggers haven't received word, i had to pass this gem along.

teen beet tuesday: where's blake?

this week's post struck me in a 6:15 a.m. in-bed game of "why can't i sleep?" blake schwarzenbach is one of those guys who will keep you up at night. i never had an older brother, but if i did, he would have been best friends with blake. they would have "jammed" in our garage after school and i would have hung out chewing gum and trying to act cool, something i've yet to master.

jawbreaker is pretty much in a three way tie for first place in the "erin's favorite band ever" contest. if morrissey, johnny marr and billy corgan ceased to exist, they would win. blake managed to write the most "dear diary" cry me a river (not like j-tim) lyrics while also making you want to punch someone in the face. in the span of three records with jawbreaker (unfun is going to be ignored here), he went from screaming your ear holes off (bivouac) to making you want to lie and say you were born and raised in the east bay (24 hr revenge therapy) to making you want to get dumped continuously forever so you could justifiably listen to only one record for all eternity (dear you).

then jawbreaker broke up. for awhile i thought i was going to walk around like some obsessed idiot who cursed the beatles for breaking up 30 years after the fact. then he formed jets to brazil and made at least one record that pretty much made it ok for me to become an actual adult. it talked me into moving in with my boyfriend at the time, it let me buy a used station wagon with good gas mileage, but it also made it ok for me to keep dying my hair black and wearing hoodies every day. it let me walk that line and i wish someone would do that again with a record.

i wish someone would find me a new blake schwarzenbach record! where is he?

date-o-rama.

this week my dating tip will be a vertitable triple threat. if you follow my directions carefully, you will find yourself in the throws of a real dream world. what i suggest is this:

1. between now and quittin' time, find yourself either a member of the opposite or same sex, or better still, a group of mixed gendered friends. be sure to contact them tonight (friday) so they don't think you're picking them as your second choice for the steps that i've yet to spell out for you.
2. wake up saturday (tomorrow) morning and drink lots of water and perhaps eat a healthy source of protien. take a walk and be sure to clean the hard to reach places. perhaps stop by trader joe's for some beverages, but leave time to ice them as their beverages don't come prechilled.
3. get yourself and the aformentioned friend and/or posse to madrone on the corner of divisidero and fell streets in san francisco. why, you ask? it's time for THE WHITE COLLAR WORKOUT.

(a) there will be amazing music (provided by bomarr, dj ray liotta, among others) and also cans of sparks available at the bar. (b) you may have a chance to dance with one or both of two unibloggers (c) as mr. liotta happily pointed out, $5 includes free dancing.

got it? good.

LIVE Treadmill Action LIVE!!!

I admit it. OK Go is my cheeseball guilty pop pleasure. Clarification: The Ok Go treadmill video is my guilty pop pleasure. (Fine... I also love the other video where they're dancing in their backyard). Anyway, these dudes are scheduled to perform some treadmilly goodness live at next Thursday's MTV Video Music Awards. Dear god I hope they pull it off because the potential embarrassment factor for a treadmill mishap is horrifying. Plus I don't want that cute lead singer to scratch up his pretty face.
Watch lead singer, Damian Kulash, get interviewed on the Colbert Report here.

Thanks for the info Bomarr!

third eye whatt??!!!@#$@#%

what follows is taken from a chat i just had with our great pal gary tj. please read and weigh in.

garytijuana: what are you doing later this evening?
garytijuana: i need to have a very serious talk with you, regarding how Third Eye Blind's debut album "third eye blind" is the greatest album ever
me: are you serious?
garytijuana: dead serious. to me, it's the best album of all time
me: are you drunk?
garytijuana: song for song, it stands up to anything you can compare it to
me: purple rain??
garytijuana: purple rain is up there. like #3
me: i'm not sure i can speak with u anymore
garytijuana: but its got a couple stinkers (computer blue). there's no stinkers on Third Eye Blind
me: are you telling me you think 3rd eye blind is better than prince?
garytijuana: i think that as an album there's nothing better than Third Eye Blind by Third Eye Blind
me: but prince takes risks you see
garytijuana: and YES I"M SERIOUS
me: when you're taking risks you might get few stinkers in there
which is ok.. b/c then you end up with some genius ass shit like darling nikki and it makes up for it all
garytijuana: 3eb took a risk, and it paid off
me: what was the risk?
garytijuana: they said "we're gonna try to make the best album of all time." that's a risk
me: hahaaaa
garytijuana: and guess what. they did it
me: shut it
garytijuana: i want to have a listening party wtih you sometime
me: fine.
garytijuana: blumby will be there
me: i wanna post this
garytijuana: and we'll all be drunk
me: i won't
but i think it's hilarious
garytijuana: and we'll sing all the words as you feel the power of the music
me: IDONTKNOWTHEWORDSTOTHIRDEYEBLIND
garytijuana: i've already printed you a lyric sheet
me: you're very thoughtful
garytijuana: go ahead and post it
this is not the first time i've said it
but i'm convinced, more than ever
i've stepped away, and still 10 yrs later the music is timeless
me: alright good buddy
the debate is on
garytijuana: excellent.
bring your best stuff

Hip hop in the hizzouse

A young black man sporting sagged, baggy jeans and a white doorag on his head (clarification - only the doorag was on his head, the baggy jeans were on his legs) stopped me on the street today. I get stopped a lot walking through midtown, usually by people asking for money, asking me to buy their "designer" bags, asking me out on a date.

But this guy was different. He was asking me to listen to his music. Now that, I can respect. He told me that his name is Voice (?) and that he's selling his hip hop CD for $5. I could have spent that $5 on a "designer" bag and listened to his music on myspace for free, but I appreciate the fact that Voice is taking the time to stand on the street and promote himself. So I bought a CD. Really, I wanted to see the look on his face when the white girl wearing a nice skirt and button-down shirt says, "I, too, rap in a hip hop group. And you gotta support the competition, right?"

He made me promise I'd send him my myspace page.

trashy tv time

quote of the day: "he's kind of a tard...but i'd hit it"

this dude from project runway kills me. who strictly has hand and neck tattoos?

message to san francisco/oakland: get your act together

We only rank #20 in America's Drunkest Cities according to Forbes.com. WTF? We should at least be in the top ten. Let's get to work people. The first round is on me.

see that pretty girl in the mirror there

i'm not a big fan of commercials. its one of the main reasons i live and breathe by my DVR, but there is something to be said about a commericial that literally makes you stop fast-forwarding just to see what's going on.

there is something purely feminist about this ad that makes me love it (putting aside the whole nike we heart child sweat shop labor thing. its easy to do that when you're a psuedo-progressive like me.) one may feel the need to critique this ad and make the claim that is easy for nike to celebrate maria sharapova because although she actually has talent unlike other hot tennis starlets she is still gorgeous and hot, sexy women sell ads. nike is not so much making a feminist statement but rather capitalizing on a corporate "rebirth" of feminism that suits a marketers commericial needs. "girls kick ass, anyone?"

i'm not really sure where i fall on this debate, whether there even is a debate, if anyone cares or if i care for that matter. i just felt compelled to write about an ad that made me stop in my tracks. enjoy and happy hump day.

ODE TO G-CHAT

G-chat, Oh G-chat, how lovely you are.
You connect me with gmailers nearby and far.
When I'm at my desk, bored and sad
I can turn on my G-chat and things don't look so bad
G-chatting about bikini waxes, strippers and guys
G-chatting about lunch, burgers and fries
My fingers like the wind, I G-chat so fast
Before I know it, a whole day has passed.
Thanks to G-chat, no work gets done.
But who can stay angry at something so FUN?

World Famous

With our recent jump of activity, thanks to Laurin, her Naughty Nads and our mention in Salon.com, Unibloggal has gone international!



Can I please get a shout out for our one fan off the coast of Nigeria?

teen beat toosdy

hi. my grandma says tuesday like this, "toosdy." anyway, i'm TIRED! all of that moshing with laurin on friday really took it out of me. also, happy happy actual birthday to miss (sorry, mrs.) cristy, this uniblogger's favorite mash theorist.

onto the dudes. have you ever seen the notebook? i saw it. i didn't cry, but i watched two of my friends nearly drown themselves in tears. my living room's really small, so it doesn't take much, but still. in this movie one can witness a fairy tale love fest between two people from opposite sides of the tracks, but they over come because their love is real and based in the 1940s when people didn't really have any other choice. then they die (oops). ryan gossling is the dude in the movie and over the years (before he becomes the old dude from the "beef, it's what's for dinner" commercials), he gets hotter and hotter and yes, hotter still. however, i went to look for some photos of him on the internets and in all of them he sort of looked like harry from harry and the hendersons. but then i found this one, in which he sort of looks like a chin-heavy paul banks from interpol, another teen beater who i am very fond of. (of whom i am very fond? whatevs.)

lesson of the day: go rent the notebook. if you're female, you'll probably end up purchasing it afterwards.

you may or may not have been wondering where my tippage was on friday. i was busy hydrating for a pre-reunion show drink-o-thon at zeitgeist, sorry.

public service announcement

"WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

BEER..... However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poop

BEER = HEALTH

Free yourself of Poop, drink BEER. It is better to drink beer and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit."

in other beer related news, make sure to see my favorite howard stern show regular, artie lange in beer league hitting theaters this fall.

tonight...i'll be your naughty girl

those crazy aussies are at it again. back in college my friend and i got the bright idea to purchase nads, the "natural" austrailian hair removal sensation developed by sue ismiel and named for her daughter natalie, poor girl. this shit sucks and needless to say my tub-o-nads sat mostly un-used in the dark recesses of my bathroom cabinet. now, thank the sweet lord, nads is back with a vengence and out to help women worldwide turn their neather regions into works of art. welcome naughty nads!

accordng to their website you could "surprise that someone special or simply indulge your wickedness by personalising your most intimate region. bikini designs are landing strips, bermuda triangle, heart and thunderstruck." bermuda triangle...thunderstruck...are you kidding me? i'm not anti-grooming per se, but i can't help but get creeped out by this new marketing ploy for nads. i'm thinking of crafting a giant middle finger out of my "private" hair, snapping a photo and mailing it directly to ms. ismiel herself.

rebirth of hardcore pride!

tonight marks a very special day for former (or current, but seriously if you're current have a fucking beer already) straight-edge kids everywhere--the gorilla biscuits reunion tour.

this was one seminal band in my high school music catalog. how i loved to sing along to every damn song on "start today" and felt so tough that i turned my nose up to bullshit like television, alcohol, beauty, racism and cute animals. man, those were good times.

for anyone who wants to relieve their youth and watch over the hill hardcore fans get dirty in the pit, get your ass to poundsf tonight for some good old fashion fun. if you can't make it to the show, or you want to re-live the hardcore days from the comfort of a dark movie theatre, then i suggest you AT LEAST go see this film when it opens in new york and l.a. on september 22nd.





if you hate everyone and the idea of sitting a theatre full of strangers freaks you out but you STILL want to get your hardcore fix then i suggest picking up one of the best synopsis of the hardcore movement i've read to date, "american hardcore: a tribal history."

see you in the pit, fools. not really, but it sounds good doesn't it?

marry me?

my head just exploded.

art + $$ = awesome

this is an excellent opportunity for an excellent adventure. join the SFMoMA scavenger hunt on September 30th. Apply here.

Mustache rides anyone?

You know me, I'm all for the mustaches, and I'm all for the kids, but when it comes to kids bouncing up and down on a mustachioed face? That's just all kinds of wrong. Not to mention that it's $125. My future children will play with rocks and twine that they find in the street. And they will like it.

rockstar superawesome

is it bad that i hate coldplay but i can't stop watching this?

RAD

I don't know what my 11-year-old self was busy doing in 1986 that I did not rush to the theatre to see this movie. My life was entirely void of this film until last Saturday when I caught a glimpse of it on TV at an 80's party. Suddenly, my life has new meaning. Uncle Jesse's girlfriend from Full House doing tricks on a BMX bike to "Send me an Angel"??? I'm sorry, it does NOT get any better than that.

Baby National

I woke up this morning to the most wonderful nugget of information waiting for me in my inbox. Baby Dayliner (the man who's children Audrey will eventually give birth to) will be opening for The National, one of my absolute most fave bands, at the Great American Music Hall on October 12th. Sweet Jesus, I'm so excited about this I'm still bouncin' off the walls. I was plenty thrilled to just see The National again. This might call for a unibloggal field trip.
Check out a couple of vids of their wonderful songs:

Beautiful Disaster

hi ladies. (men, please be excused). if you're ever in need of a cheese fest, female horomone fueled dork-o-thon...please sit back, relax and get into some "beautiful" ben covington.

oh, hello tuesday.

that's ari gold. i actually think that's jeremy piven, but whatever. he's really hot. because i have an attention deficit problem that makes me click "internet explorer" every nine seconds, i have quite a list of regularly viewed websites. some of them are the hipster douchebag party photo websites that we all know and loathe. i've seen jeremy piven on them several times looking slightly haggard and with a beaded necklace around his v-necked neck. that's why i'm focusing on ari gold.

ari's one of those guys who wears borderline gay suits during meetings, but he's an a-hole and you like it. the whole meeting you're sitting there wishing that everyone else in the room would disappear so you could replay that one scene from the movie secretary. oh wait, that's just me?

pre-teen nostalgia

does anyone remember the teen soap opera swan's crossing? my god, that was some hot shit! i was OBSESSED with this show back in the summer of 1992 when i babysat 40 hours a week. i couldn't peel myself away from the trials of tributlations of the sexy swan's crossing residents Sydney Rutledge (aka Sarah Michelle Gellar,) Garret Booth (aka Shane McDermott, an even whiter-bred, suburban-mom approved version of Vanilla Ice meets Zach Morris) and Mila Rosnofksy (aka Brittany Daniel.) this show launched many-a- fantastic career. there's no need to go into the resume of dear mrs. gellar, but how many of you watched or will admit to watching the hot "gleaming the cube" rip-off Airborne starring McDermott...anyone? anyone? i didn't think so. if you need to waste two hours of your life i can't think of a more painful way to do so. and fair brittany who's amazing acting repertoire includes Sweet Valley High and her short but super sweet role as Eve Whitman, the seductive temptress that sailed her way into dawson's creek one season.

as i sit here in my office, bitter and annoyed that i'm at my desk instead of watching re-runs of swan's crossing i find myself wishing i was 13 again...nerdy, boyless, acne-ridden, neon hypercolor clothing and all.

it's friday

my tip of the day is to just be nice! is that so hard?
quit being a dumb jerks and just be normal.
thank you.

Don't want to be at work

A short list of things I'd rather be doing at this particular moment:

1. Taking a romantic stroll around the lake in Central Park with Baby Dayliner.

2. Being fed a hot fudge sundae with mint chip ice cream at Fenton's in Oakland (by Baby Dayliner).

3. Making love on a sail boat in the South Pacific (to Baby Dayliner).

4. Throwing pennies off the top of the Eiffel Tower (at Baby Dayliner).

(When Baby Dayliner googles his name and finds this post, I'm going to die of embarrassment)

If you are not yet aware of my relationship with Baby Dayliner, you can read about it here.

Un-dating Tip

I'm going to commandeer Erin's dating tip for the week, although, this would actually be a tip on how to avoid dating. After ten years' experience getting hitting on by sleazeballs at bars, clubs and randomly on the street, I've put together a list of responses that should deter further advances. Feel free to use them at your own discretion.

1. "I find it personally offensive that you think you're actually in my league."

2. "You must be very confident in your sexuality to wear such a shirt like that."

3. "I'm so glad you came up to talk to me because earlier today I was thinking 'I'm really in the mood to go home with the first sleazy guy that comes my way tonight.' Oh no wait, that was yesterday. Sorry."

4. "I'm married to the sea."

5. (Turning to friend) "See, I told you he wouldn't look like Jason Alexander up close. He's much less attractive."

teen beat (delayed)

hello. i'm really sorry for the delay in getting this to you. i know you're all still at work (like i am), refreshing your browser (is that what they're called?) waiting for your weekly dose of man meat. alas...

after some post-plane ride brain loss and hearty IM convos with my "gal pals," as THEY call them, i've come up with a list of "hunks" from the grunge era. i'm too tired to look for pictures, but check back tomorrow. i might get inspired, though i probably won't.

1. billy corgan - though he's not on the amazon.com list of amazing grunge records, he played guitar in the 90s and had ugly hair. then no hair, but i always loved him just the same. next time you're buying me drinks, remind me to tell you the story about the time i met him...at a poetry reading...when he had weird facial hair. i could go on for days about how i used to obsess over the possibility of meeting him, how much i dislike poetry but moreso the public reading of poetry and how yucky weird facial hair is on a 37 yr old balding ex-idol-o-mine. nerd galore = me.

2. eddie vedder - see, i don't really find him attractive, though because i'm old now and so is he, i'm seeing it more. though that's probably just because somehow pearl jam swindled everyone into thinking their cool again. fugazi with long hair. whatever, my friends like him, so he stays.

3. chris cornell - i think this guy's repulsive because he never wears a shirt. i bet he won "best eyes" in his high school year book. if someone can get me a copy of this, assuming it exists, i'll play you spoon man on my sister's pink guitar. but not blackhole sun. that song blows for days.

4. matt dillon from swingers EDIT: SINGLES, duh (sleepy) - i don't know if this counts, but i'm going with it. i'm tired and no one was hot in the 90s. there, i said it.

5. kurt cobain - i lied. he was hot. i loved him. i even looked like him (is that bragging?) if you've ever seen my glamour shot, that was my mom's effort to make sure that my grandma didn't know that i wore ugly sweaters, dirty jeans and didn't brush my hair. it makes me sad everytime i turn on rockstar supernova (best show ever) and hear some douche wallet commiting earicide with one of nirvana's songs.

speaking of the best show ever, it's fugging late and i have a date with the shirtless tommy lee and gilby clarke, someone who's hotter now than anyone i can think of. my head hurts. good night.

A sign you're getting older

Last night I was watching college Jeopordy because I'm a huge dork and have no life, but that's not really the point. One of the categories was "DJ Alex Tribizzy in the Hizzouse." Go ahead, you can laugh. Anyway, contestants were given rap lyrics and had to come up with the artist name. Some of the early clues were fairly easy...Nelly, Snoop Dog, Eminem. However I was shocked, dismayed, and then depressed when they got to the $800 and $1000 questions and not one single "college age" contestant gave an answer to the following clues.

"I'll kick you out of my home if you don't cut that hair. Your mom busted in and said, "What's that noise?" Aw, mom you're just jealous it's the ____________!"

"Don't call it a comeback. I been here for years. Rockin my peers and puttin suckas in fear. I'm gonna knock you out. Mama said knock you out."

How the HELL is that possible? Maybe because they weren't born in 1977 like yours truly. Sigh. Tear.

Backyard Breakin' w/ New Agey No Friends

the sneakmovers just beat me to this post but i figured it was so goddamn awesome i'd put it up here anyway. get ready to watch our pal colin dance his 5 year old ass off to some phil collins.

OK Go

i really really love this lil' gem of teenybopper awesomeness.

Brooklyn's so random.

t.g.i.effing.f.

hi dudez. friday again? holy crap. guess what, yep, i get to go on another airplane this afternoon. i'm really sick of it. these complaints have nothing to do with it being friday or me giving you pointers for tipsy dating...i just like to complain.

anyway. this one's for the ladies.

i work in the financial district. i go get coffee atleast once a day. there is a tully's in my building, two peet's within a block and a half and countless starbucks and other nameless coffee places. all of them have at least one hot guy who works there. when i was 21 i also worked at a coffee shop and there were cute guys who worked there, too. it's my opinion that these men should be dated. they're often cute, they're obviously employeed, they can get out of bed on the early side and know how to make coffee (a bonus for slumber parties) and you're the boss because they don't have a "real" job. the only bad things are (and i know from experience), they'll smell like coffee for eternity, they have the whole bartender thing (many horny office women flirting with them daily) and they might be wearing man-dals behind the counter, something you didn't notice when you were a horny office woman flirting with them daily.

What would your playlist be?

i've been silent for a bit so hello again 5 loyal unibloggal readers! how i've missed you! perhaps this is old news to you techno-savvy pop culture addicts but i just discovered the wonderful world of phonic masturbation this morning. like many of you (don't be shy,) i have waited my entire adult life for someone to create a sex toy that will vibrate to the rhythm of my favorite music. i know deep down you really want to get your rocks off to some drony guitar riffs or better yet experience a new level of ecstacy to the bangin' beats of "insert favorite producer here." ladies...enjoy. a new era of self pleasure is finally upon us. here's one to get your started.

Black Sabbath - Sweet Leaf

shameless work promotion

Charles and Ray Eames applied their singularly consistent vision to more than classic furniture. Connecting art and design, the Eameses made over 100 short films ranging from 1–30 minutes in length. There is a temptation, because the Eames furniture is so well known, to see the Eames films, exhibitions and other work as subsidiary, when in fact they are intimately related. All of Charles and Ray Eames' projects flow from the same design process, the same design philosophy, the same recognition of need.Join Design Within Reach, in conjunction with the Eames Foundation and Herman Miller for the Home®, as we celebrate the Eameses' film legacy. We'll be screening seven films at Studios across the country.

DWR Potrero Hill August 10, 7–9 pm with Eames Demetrios, grandson of Charles and Ray Eames, who will be giving a presentation.

(this is an event i've put together and if you can come, i'd be psyched.)

Living it up while I'm going down

Now that I work in a building with an elevator, I’ve noticed that every time I enter one with a stranger, I spend the entire ride sizing up whether or not I’d be willing to sleep with that person if the elevator were to get stuck for a long period of time. Or if there’s more than one person, which one I’d rather sleep with. Or if that would just be too awkward with the other people there. Or maybe I'd just sleep with all of them. Gotta do something while you're waiting for the elevator to be fixed.

Is this something that everyone does in elevators? Or is it just me? (The pondering, not the actual hooking up)

marketing!

me: are people over our blog?
stephanie: ? i dunno? as far as i know we have 5 readers. noah, mike, colin, matt, cristy. i think they all still read it
me: we need to recruit a larger readership
stephanie: totally. how do we do that?
me: i should know, it's kind of my job
stephanie: i linked it to my myspace like you did
me: hmm we need more sites to link to us do you know anyone else with a blog/website that we could link to?
stephanie: hmm... i don't think so. the sneakmovers are my bloggiest pals and they've already linked the shit outta us
me: shits we need to pull some PR stunts. can you make out with brandon davis and be listed in us weekly as, "uniblogger" ?
stephanie: hell fucking no!!! i just barfed in my mouth. gross
me: oh come on! i'll do it!
stephanie: yes, you do it
me: gimme some drinks and whatever drugs he's obviously on. i have no standards!
stephanie: awesome!!! hmm... seriously, i wonder what we could do.
me: can one of us go on a reality tv show? or maybe jeopardy
stephanie: both sound horrifying
me: come on! think outside the box...and yes i just said that
stephanie: the only answer we give to alex, "what is unibloggal"
me: hilarious shits, i gotta run home so i don't miss my date with gilby clarke.
stephanie: i'll take unibloggal for 600, alex.
me: would you have an affair with dave navaro?
stephanie: sure. i live in a very gay part of the gay mecca. does he like ladies? then, yesss.
me: the 4 foot tall glitter clad elf? shit, bro. i just thought of a great post.
stephanie: oh no.

A Little Gem of Cartoon Genius: Home Movies

Oh geez god how I love the first season of this show. Home Movies, which originally aired on UPN, was dumped by the network after 5 episodes with very low ratings. At about the same time, the cartoon network had just hatched their idea for Adult Swim and rescued the show as one of their firsts. They funded the rest of the first season and 3 more. The show revolves around Brendan Small who is an 8 year old filmmaker, his friends, his mom and his soccer coach. It's simple, quirky, hysterical and a good portion of it is improvised. I highly recommend renting the first season.

Here's a clip of possibly my favorite scene from season one. This is the kafka rock opera. Dwayne, Brendon's neighbor, gives him a script for a rock opera based on Franz Kafka's "Metamorphosis". His friends love the project, but Brendon is against it because he's favoring his own work, "Louis Louis", where Louis Pasteur meets Louis Braille. Enjoy.

tean beet (my favorite typo)

wow, that time again already? indeed! this week, i'll be sharing with you the teen beatdom of one of my favorite movies in the world: ferris bueller's day off. (it might be one of my favorites, but i still had to google it to be sure i was spelling it correctly). my favorite person in the movie is the cute little snively (i googled that word and apparently it's a character from sonic the hedgehog, i was talking about snot-nosedly) youth named cameron frye. he was destined to become a dignified salt and pepper owning man who would grace the small screen with bit parts from here to there. ferris may have been the "hunk/nerd" and big star of the movie, but cameron was always the one you wanted to innocently make out with while sloan and ferris were having dirty rich teen sex in white fringed leather jackets and elvis costello vests while ed rooney watched through the window.

I WANT YOUR SEX!

Once again, George Michael has found himself in a wee bit of trouble.
"News of the World investigators caught the singer red-handed and red-faced as he emerged from the bushes after cavorting with a pot-bellied, 58-year-old, jobless van driver." Mr. Michael was supposed to go on a 50 concert sold out tour, but, as we all know, guilty feet have got no rhythm. Keep your dick in your pants, George. At least in public places with super super grody dudes.

dating time du jour

i was going to try and count these, so you could create some kind of weekly calendar that you could tear the pages off to reveal a new piece of tippage each week, but you're not that crafty and i'm tired. just got off another airplane. that brings me to this week's tip, which actually might be more of a nugget of common sense that you can use to avoid having me punch you in the face.

tip: when traveling, be it on MUNI, BART, air BART, an airplane, on a rental car shuttle bus, in line for a rental car, or really, anywhere...if i don't know you, DON'T TALK TO ME. see, my mom taught me not to talk to strangers (unless i'm in a bar...airport bars don't count, for those, see above for the no talking rule) and i take that seriously. i don't want to give you advice on whether or not your aqua snakeskin versace belt is too gay for america, i don't care that you recently moved to washington after 40 years in LA but are back for a weekend reunion with a lost love (dummy), and yes, your kid screaming about wanting a cookie is as annoying as the other things i just mentioned.

oh, the dating part. quit staring at girls boobs and talking to them when they're reading a book. if they wanted you to talk to them, you'd know.

(i'm grumpy and tired, sorry)

teen beat tuesday...

oh hello. did you miss me? special thanks to gary t.j. for taking over in my absense. he did such a great job that i wanted to expand on his "internet gf/bf" topic for this week's tean beatage. see that guy over there in the photo to the left of these words? that's pharrell williams and today he added me as his myspace friend. i gladly accepted. i'm hoping he will engage me in some really awesome weblogging or video diarying.

just kidding, guys and gals. but really, holy crappers...my eyes! i'm sure that many females reading this here morsel of weekly delight shares with me a deep rooted love for (a) the sound of skateboard wheels. when you hear them from far away, your loins perk and your head wanders in anticipation of a glimpse of someone you would have peed your pants over in 10th grade (i'm pretty sure pharrell knows how to ride a skate board) (b) boys in baggy pants who can pull off funny jewelry (c) boys who like shoes as much as we do (d) pharrell williams, in general.

i'm tired and jet lagged and even when i'm not, i don't really do so well at forming cohesive thoughts or ideas, however, i like him. he's cute. one time i watched the Mtv Diary (you think you know, but...) and it was really really good. the best part was, i was on a jet blue airplane watching it and i don't think the sound was working, but it was still the best 30 minutes of tv i have seen in a long time.

holla?

NO SALSA ON THE LEATHER...

...keep it on the chips.

Klepto Kitty!

Fierce fighting rages deeper into Lebanon, Hussein is hospitalized, Gary Tijuana predicts that the world is ending and Willy the cat is caught stealing gardening gloves from residents of Pelham, NY.
And that, my friends, is the news for today.

Skills

One of the beautiful things about living in a world with so many different kinds of people is that everyone has their own unique skill, or in some cases multiple skills that they can perform simultaneously. Each individual is free to use his/her skills(s) to make his/her life more rewarding and perhaps better the world around him/her.

Take me, for example. I like to consider myself to be skilled at writing. That’s why I write for a living as well as for pleasure, bringing joy into the lives of readers like you.

I’m also skilled at checking email (frequently and during work hours). That’s why, when my pal Nate-Dawg forwarded me this entertaining video clip, I was able to open it, watch it, and gape in awe at this woman’s unique skills.



I have to admit, I’m a little jealous. In my nearly three decades on this planet, I never acquired the impressive and useful skill of pouring a perfect pint whilst rotating myself at high speeds on an upside-down bar stool. Blame it on bad parenting? The public school system? Why was I never taught this skill?

I’m trying not to feel too bad about it. Maybe she’s a crappy writer.

Stooperstars

My dear dear pals in New York are having a house warming party, so they asked me to whip up a lil' invite for them. I came up with the above. It was vetoed. Audrey, I'm not saying that you look like James Brown. I'm just saying, that you're always reeeeally sweaty like James Brown. All I know is that i would definitiely wanna go to a party that had a robot serving beer and alpacas playing the kazoo, with background music by my best pals with 3 of my favorites musicians' heads attached to their bodies.
Miss you suckas.

Teen BEAT TUESDAY, MOFOs!!!!

What is UP!!! I'm Erin's guest blogger today and I'm gonna just jump right in and get this started.

Let me introduce my new girlfriend. Her name is lonelygirl15 and she's 16 and homeschooled. She has a video diary on Youtube that her friend Daniel helped her set up. Her parents are very strict but YAY! they let her go hiking with Daniel!!! But then trouble struck--the 69,000 people that watched the hike vid left comments that he probably likes her. Sunday night, after much anticipation, she posted the latest in this dramatic saga. The following day it had already been viewed 150k times. Here we go:



The most phenomenal part of Youtube is how it lets everyone be a star, posting their own video responses. Support, advice, salutations, or even tinfoil-headed analyses are there for every single lonelyguyorgirl. I'm working on my very own!

Finally, I know a few friends who are very upset they didn't make this wonderful video montage of Andy Lawrence...

garden state part duex

seriously people. garden state was cute and all but it was far from groundbreaking. do we really need to recreate the script again but this time...deep breath...target it to the "thirty somethings?!?" the soundtrack ain't that different either. just more sensative, whiny indie rock that you can get laid to.

i for one do not need to be reminded that gettin older sucks. but who the hell am i anyway? i doubt i'm alone feeling just sliiighty sick of zach braff and his "crossroad of life" love stories. he simply doesn't do it for me. in this destined-to-be fall blockbuster the plot unfolds as "anxieties threaten the future of a domesticated couple." man, those must be some crazy anxieties. ah silly 30-year olds. the one, and possible only bonus to this film is rachel bilson, aka summer roberts from the show you love or love to hate, the oc. also, notice his "domesticated" flame in the movie is none other than jacinda from the real world london. i guess reality tv can get you somewhere. who knew? certainly not him, or her, but possibly this guy if only for his hit song (see below) and his 2004 run-in with johnny law. you get the picture.

i'll see this shit though.

David Broom - Come on Be My Baby Tonight

Drill Squad does it all.

This weekend I realized that just because my digital camera broke, it doesn’t mean that the Drill Squad adventures have to end. The happy foursome went all kinds of fun places in recently, like the moon. Watch out for the Apollo, Drill Squad!



Then they went to Sesame Street to see our dear friend, Margaret Cho.


Then they traveled to 1924.

observations from the o.c.

for the past few days i've been down in laguna soaking in some sunshine, enjoying the warm ocean, and unfortunately observing what seems to be a serious battle for first place in a ruthless "worst guy ever" competition. while the weather and scenery were amazing, the potential company of most of my fellow beachgoers was less than desirable. after 4 days of judging what seemed to be a rugged contest amonst the locals to see who can be the most douchebaggiest, heather and i both agreed that this fellow shall be deemed "worst guy ever" for the summer of 2006. congratulations sir, may your highlights, painful tan and air guitar serve you, and your fellow o.c.ers well.

(please note that a still pic of this dude really does not do him justice. there's just no way to capture his underbitelicious airguitar and foot tap other than a video which we tried three times to get and failed. his wife started looking at us a lil' funny, so we stopped being jerks for the rest of the day. oh, and i apologize if this man is anyone who reads this blogs relative. however, if he is, he told me to ask you for a new limp bizkit album for xmas.)

Friday Dating Tip

(NOTE: while Erin is overseas, Gary T will be guesting for her)

First date no-no: Don't take a girl to dinner, start crying (I'm talking literal tears; whining would be very lame too) and then ask if you can finish the food she probably just lost her appetite for. You almost surely will NOT get a second date!

Bonus Tip: Don't wait to ask a girl out so you can guest write blog entries at 10pm. And if you do, don't tell the girl that's why you're late. Just lie about something like a motorcycle accident. If she asks any questions, say "I don't know what happened but the paramedic said I saved the dude's life..." Then quickly change the subject.

Follow up

Want to know the results of that sopping wet interview? The one I trudged in the rain to get to? The one that left me with giant water spots on my tits and ass? The one through which droplets from my hair dripped down my neck and pooled in the back of my shirt???

The Creative Director called today. He wants me to leave my current job and start at his company immediately. In return, he offered me $50/day above what I'm presently making.

So my interview advice for all you folks out there currently looking for a new job. Be relaxed. Be honest. And be wet.

Very, very wet.

True Story

The rain in Manhattan yesterday was unlike anything I had seen before. It was a torrential, pounding, merciless, violent downpour. And it happened to occur as I was walking to a job interview. And I happened to have forgotten to bring an umbrella that day. Not that it would have mattered anyhow, the rain came from all sides. It was like the Atlantic ocean had been transported to 47th street. The street I had to walk down four blocks to get to my interview.

I tried to wait it out under an awning. I tried to catch a cab. I tried to buy an umbrella. But I was already running late. There comes a point when you’re so saturated with water, you pretty much can’t get any wetter, so you just say “fuck it” and march across the flood, ignoring the lightening and thunder overhead. Turns out that you can in fact get wetter, and I did. I got really, ridiculously, comically wet. I was soaked.

The doorman looked shocked as I swam into the first floor atrium of 466 Lexington. The receptionist handed me a stack of paper towels. If only he had a blow dryer and a clothes dryer behind his desk, he might have been helpful.

Luckily, my roommate, Cate, happens to work in the same building where my interview was. I opted to be another 10 minutes late for my interview and head to her office first to dry off. I had gone shopping that day at lunch, so I had a dry shirt to change into. And, this is the test of true friendship, Cate gave me the skirt she was wearing to put on for my interview. THAT is a good friend.

With dry clothes on, I walked confidently into my interview 30 minutes late. They understood, and were impressed I made it there at all. As I sat down to be interviewed, relieved to be out of the rain, I realized that I had not changed out of my wet under-things. The rainwater from my bra was quickly seeping through my new shirt, leaving giant lactating marks. And when I stood up, I noticed that my underwear had soaked through the back of Cate’s skirt, leaving what looked like a pee-stain on my ass and a puddle on the chair. I started to wonder if it wouldn’t have been better to show up in my wet clothes than look like I wet myself on the Creative Director’s chair.

I had no choice but to just say out loud what I knew he was thinking. “Look, I’m not lactating and I didn’t pee in your chair. I’m wearing my friend’s clothes and my own wet underwear. Sorry. It’s really pouring outside.”

He appreciated my boldness and honesty. I think I’ll get the job.

rockstar: supernova

are you guys watching this show? it's priceless. tommy lee sexually harasses every female, the dude from metallica has the most embarrassing head bang face in the world (not to mention a mean case of static cling on his head), dave navaro is literally a hot topic midget (little person) and watching frat boys sing the killers in growly voices is my favorite thing ever. and shirts are apparently optional for all of the men on the show. i also have to wonder how gilby clark gets his hair so shiny! and where he's been all my life, he's like jack white's dad and i don't mind a bit.

(am i fired?)

moment of silence

whether you were introduced to them in college by every retarded freshman who LOVED to talk about how rad it is to get high and listen to the wall while watching the wizard of oz on mute or you're just a hippie, stoner, prog, rock lover like me, today is a sad day for pink floyd fans.

syd barrett, 60, who suffered from an lsd-induced breakdown while at the peak of his career in the sixties, died last Friday.

a recluse for the past few decades, barrett was a founding member of pink floyd and a gifted musician. he was famous for his innovative guitar playing, experimenting with feedback and distortion and using props such as a zippo lighter to get a unique sound from his fender esquire.

rest in peace little buddy.

teen beat tuesday: triple threat

hey folks. i'm pretty much dead meat after watching this. it features three things that make me feel that it's ok to be a 14 yr old fan dork forever. they are:

1. just to get this one out of the way, because you already know about it: mark lanegan's voice. old news. next...

2. dave grohl on drums. KILL ME NOW. whatever. i think it's the second foo fighters record that sold me on it. i don't really care about the songs, or him singing, or even him in nirvana, really. (it was all about pat smear there!) and even though i like that little leg bounce thing he does when he's playing guitar, it's all about the drums for davey.

3. JOSH HOMME!!! holy crap. the hottest red head on the planet. if you know me at all, you know how i feel about a beefy pair of arms holding a guitar. he's also from the inland empire and isn't a d-bag, which is a work of magic. i like magic.

when i listen to this band, with any of its line ups, it makes me want to over turn my desk and stage dive off the filing cabinet. and watch it again because they're all teen beaterific. (also, the fact that this took place at the troubador, my single favorite place in los angeles, almost makes my brain explode. too much awesome for one tiny room.)

next week, i will be on assignment in italy doing research with the italian soccer team, so i'll have a guest blogger. stay tuned.

Body Part of the Week III

Just want you to know that I didn't forget my weekly promise to post a mysterious body part every Monday. It's just that last week was a holiday. And this week, my digital camera broke.

But I have a body part right here, that I was going to take a picture of and put up online. Now the real mystery is at hand. What was it going to be....?


Okay fine I'll tell you. It was my left nipple. Bummer my camera broke.

Centro-matic

Might as well make this a musical monday for unibloggal. A few days back I found out that one of the bands I adore most is making a trip out to ol' San Francisco.
I feel overwhelmed with the task of explaining how awesomely wonderful Centro-matic, their side project South San Gabriel, and front man Will Johnson's solo efforts truly are. Do some exploring of your own and then come check em out in September at The Bottom of the Hill.

a couple to get you started:
The Dark of Garage
Triggers and Trash Heaps

Soundtrack to our lives

Its monday and its my first post on this fine blog. As a music junkie I often find myself pairing songs to different moments in my life. After a weekend of too much drinking, not enough dancing and insulting pick up lines I'm compelled to cleanse myself with a song that helps "wash that weekend right out of my hair."

In the Morning - Razorlight

World Cuppage

The day is upon us. The special day that arrives once every four years when Americans get to pretend that they actually give a shit about soccer. When we get to pretend we give a shit about Europe. When logic like “My mom’s paternal grandfather was French” and “My last name sounds like it could be Italian” and “I prefer lasagna to ratatouille” deems you a winner or a loser.

But who am I to judge? I spent the day in a hot, crowded bar with everyone else. Staring at the TV screen and discussing penalty kicks and red cards over a pint of Stella, like I actually knew those terms existed before last week.

And for some strange reason, I’m happy that Italy won. Why? Because the Italian players are cuter, of course. Hooray for soccer.

friday afternoon dating tip

time for another round:

tip #2: boys, anytime you have a girl around who you'd like to see in her unmentionables, play anything involving mark lanegan's voice.

Bearded Dog Pic(s) of the Week!

I have a feeling that this movie would have been much more enjoyable had it been starring a cast of wonderfully bearded dogs instead of Vin Diesel and that handsome talking mannequin, Paul What'shisface.

(Unfortunately, it just came to my attention that "The Fast and the Furriest" name is already in use. For a bear porn. Seen this one, Auds? Grrrrrrrrrrrr)

Drill Squad does Prospect Park

Today, the four friends rode their bike to Prospect Park. No visit to Prospect Park is complete without stopping to feed the ducks with the Orthodox Jews. Aud-Ballz and Stef-Lez sang one of their hit songs. The Jews were horrified and ran screaming. More ducks for the Drill Squad!


















(This may be the last DS picture for a while, as my digital camera finally broke. Boo.)

teen beat tuesday (or wednesday)

please pardon my tardiness, but as you're likely aware, yesterday was america's birthday and like you, i was celebrating. without further adeiu:

ladies and gentleman, scott speedman! i am offering up this morsel of hot dogginess because people like to eat hot dogs on the 4th of july and also because i watched a crap load of felicity this weekend. if you've never accepted felicity and her gang into your television family, you should do as i did and netflix all four seasons just as soon as you can. poor felicity could never decide between ben covington (scott speedman) and noel crane (some annoying famous chick's ex-husband whose real name i can't remember). i don't want to ruin the end of senior year (4th season) for you, but clearly ben/scott here is the logical choice for dear felicity. he's whispery and complicated and sometimes punches people while brooding around looking all hot and mildly disheveled. he also plays basketball (without being a BSG) and likes messed up girls as much as any hunky and slightly unavailable guy. oh and he had an affair with a married woman and once got a girl prego in high school, so he has lots to talk about when dates get boring. the only problem is, his most recent career eandeavors (underworld and xXx part 2) are a little iffy, so stick with felicity please.

HAPPY 4TH!!!