Thursday, January 11, 2007

confessions of a wannabe stripper

ladies and gentlemen, i have a new-found respect for strippers. last night i took my first (of what will become many) pole dancing classes. let me just say that it was one of the most fun and embarrassing moments of my entire life. in one fail swoop i turned into the whitest girl in america. i had no rhythm, no sensuality, no damn clue. even though i grew up dancing as a little girl and feel fairly confident that i can move on the dance floor as an adult, i couldn't get the moves and could barely lift myself up when attempting my first "on the pole" technique. it was a trainwreck. at one point i literally swung aroung the pole so fast that my legs got twisted around the pole and then around each other. hot huh? yeah the dollar bills were totally flying my way.

since this was my first class i didn't really know what to expect and more importantly what to bring. apparently there is a dress code that includes: short shorts or a "stripper" skirt, stripper heels (the higher the better) and anything else that makes you a hot piece of ass (aka no where close to my normal workout attire.) therefore, i had to roll my yoga pants up into really cute mock biker shorts that then squeezed and pinched my legs in such a way that i realized, oh, you can have cellulite on your quads. aweeeeeeeeeesome.

to make matters worse the teacher was this amazingly hot russian dancer who had a body to kill for. i literally couldn't take my eyes off her and wanted to impress her with my "sexy ways" but every time she came around my "pole station" i would fall flat on my face. i could barely even shimmy my hips is a sexy fashion. i lost it...completely.

i know this sounds like a nightmare, and, was. but scarily enough it was fun and i'm determined to get better and be the best cardio stripper you have ever seen. to help me get past my own ego and purge all the embarrassing details of my experience i've decided to share my trails and tribulations with you, loyal unibloggers.

i hope you enjoy.


Anonymous said...

billy said...

i say multi-task. when pole dancing, randomly deliver lines to the people next to you from your favorite stripper movies like striptease, closer, or showgirls.

Audrey aka "Savannah Sweet-tits" said...

I've, strangely, always wanted to be a stripper. I used to go to strip clubs and befriend all the strippers. I'd talk with them in the bathroom and ask them for pointers. I attended Cardio Striptease at Crunch gym dozens of times. I actually really thought that I had what it took, and was looking into starting a career. And then I suddenly realized that I would have to dance topless on the laps of horny old men. And I hung up my stripper stilettos forever. Never used on an actual stripper stage. Except that one amateur night, but that's a story for a different post.

New Agey No Friends said...

this is the greatest thing I've heard all year. Bravo!

unibloggal is bringing sexy back in the 07.

Anonymous said...

i'm glad my pathetic excuse for pole dancing has helped unibloggal bring "sexy back" in 07. in case you can see erin's link, go here.

some of my fav movie lines (i'll be sure to use this in my next class):

“She looks better than a ten-inch dick and you know it!”

Also, another classic showgirls moment:

Al Torres: You're a fucking stripper, don't you get it?
Nomi Malone: I'm a dancer!
Al: If you're a dancer, than Henry here is the fuckin' Virgin Mary!
Henrietta "Mama" Bazoom: I got bigger tits than the fuckin' Virgin Mary and I got a bigger mouth too!