friday dating: 2006 and beyond

well, it's almost that time. you'll be in a semi sparkely top (unless you have a dong, please), you'll be drunk on some mix of coors light, vodka cranberries and southern comfort and as everyone knows, since it will be new years eve, you'll be ready to french. there are a few things you're going to keep at the forefront of your mind, through that boozey haze, if you want to nab yourself a midnight frenching partner. afterall, it's the one minute (literally) of the entire year where you can just grab someone and make the shit out of their face without it being weird, slutty or overtly forward.

1. first of all, play that mother cool. i mean, just don't worry too much. if all else fails, you'll end up frenching all of your either same sex friends (if your a girl of any orientation) or female friends (if you're a gay guy) or a really random and very drunk stranger (if you're a straight guy).

2. in playing it cool, you must be a floater. don't commit to one table, one bar stool, one area of the party. keep moving. it's never too late to switch to a new prospective make out partner. keep your eyes out for someone who is on a similar prowl and make sure you're within about 2 feet of them at about 11:58pm.

3. start the flirtation early in the night. nothing heavy. no need for lots of conversation. maybe start off buy finding a cute person and buying them a shot. then take off. come back in an hour or so for another. laugh a lot but don't talk. just laugh and drink. don't over think it.

4. when the countdown begins, don't go roving for any heavy eye contact with the object of your desire. hug friends, count loudly, act non chalant and if you must, casually kiss someone else first. then move in for a hug, quickly transition that into a world class french fest. know what i mean?

5. afterwards, don't assume that you're going to have a bed buddy. your mission was clear: tongue at midnight. don't get all greedy.

and lastly, happy new year, bitches.

wolf like me

i don't have cable, so when i get the chance to house sit for my cabled friends, i get really excited. i wake up in the morning and flip that shit on as soon as i can. instead of watching something very mind fulfilling like cnn or the weather channel, this morning i went straight for mtv. you know, so i could get knowed up on what the kids are into these days. i found out that davey havok from afi wears fake eyelashes in the snow, jay-z is a race car driver and that winners of america's next top model actually DO get work after the show is over.

first of all, this video rules and the song is one of my favorites in quite some time. secondly, did you see naima?

last thing. i found out that blogger isn't letting unibloggal be a part of "erin is gross" anymore, so until then i'll be squatting on the audsteph account.
peace,
erin

ho ho ho (aka erin)

hi y'all. don't worry, i didn't adopt a southern accent while i was gone for the baby jesus holiday times. i headed up north to seattle for a few days to eat the shit out of some food, stay in weird hotels and hug lots of older people who liked to tell stories about me from whenst i was but a tot. a few highlights from my trip:

while watching lots of tv, i saw an infomercial for YOGA BOOTY BALLET. i've searched the internet like crazy for the past 12 seconds and haven't been able to find a video in order to demonstrate how insanely wtf-y this shit is. they have a move called "bad kitty" where you stick your spandex clad ass out really far and make cat scratching motions with your hands while gyrating profusely. it's hot.

while shopping for some last minute gifts, including a "secret santa" gift for a yet to be announced female member of my family, i visited a fred meyer in bellingham, washington. as far as i can tell, fred meyer occupies the rung on the ladder above kmart and walmart but about six below target. they sell lots of food, delicious wines and a foot spa for only $17.99 which i purchased!

remember when i previously mentioned stories about little me? well, every time there is a family gathering some variation of this little story seems to rush violently from the voice boxes of either my grandma or one of my 8 aunts. apparently at age 2, i plopped down on the couch in front of a room full of family members and loudly asked them if they all wanted to see my "trotch" while lifting my dress above my head. oh, good to know nothing's changed. i'm always fun to have at parties!

after returning, i visited our myspace page. i was reminded that about 2 weeks ago i drunkenly updated our general interests section to include some of mine and our favorite things. a dear reader and genuine real lifey friend was puzzled by one of these interests, namely, drysex. he wondered why we might be inclined to list this over its counterpart, wetsex. see, tenth grade erin was a huge fan of drysex. you could experience what one of our friends named "pee feeling," not get prego and do it in your mom's minivan without being naked. also, modern day adult erin is a huge fan of all things retro and vintage, which includes drysex. so old school. now go add us as your myspaceter so we feel very popular and friendly.

lastly, blogger has been screwing me hard (and dry) for the past six days or so. i have been totally unable to sign into blogger to update you with drunken reflections on holiday lore. it blows. you'd think google could spend some of their fifteen hundred million trillion dollars on making this thing work, right? afterall, the future of china depends on me writing about dumb crap.

yours truly,
erin
p.s. it might be a little slow around here for a few days. it's impossible to "get it up" for your blog when your with your mom a lot.

Friday dating tip (Saturday Style)

Due to Holiday travel plans and some crossed Unibloggal communication, this week’s dating tip is appearing one day late.

Today’s topic: The First Post Hookup Email. Or, FPHE, as some call it.

You know what I’m talking about. The sexual tension had been building – whether it was or two months, two days, or two hours, doesn’t matter – the tension was there. So after a drunken party or a long night out at the bars, you find yourself finally hooking up with the subject of this tension. The two of you have a passionate night of ecstasy. And, if you’re lucky, maybe grab brunch together the next day.

Monday comes and you return to work as usual, but you can’t get this person out of your mind. So, rather than doing something as bold as calling their cell phone, you decide to send a nice email. Thus bringing us to FPHE.

This is a sensitive procedure. Any stray letters and you can ruin your chances of seeing the person again and your chances at a happy life. You want to make it clever, without looking like you’re trying to be clever. Breezy, without sounding like you’re trying to be breezy. Meaningful and yet indifferent. Subtly communicating that you want there to be a repeat hookup, without implying that you want to have babies with them. At least, not just yet.

Tactics you should steer away from:

Too breezy: “Hey, yeah, so I ran across your email address and I thought maybe I’d drop you a line.”

Making up excuses for emailing: “So, I saw this dog today, and I remembered you said that you had a dog growing up. And I thought maybe I should write to let you know that there’s a dog on Smith Street right now.”

Too blatantly hookup focused: “Remember when I saw you naked the other night? Hehe, that was cool.”

Stay away from dumb typos: “I’d love to go they’re again with you the next time your free.” (especially if you’re writing this FPHE to miss stillman)

Don’t blow it: “I had fun the other night. Soooooooo, when are we getting married?”

Follow these simple rules and just be yourself (unless you’re lame, in which case, be someone else) and you’ll construct the perfect FPHE.

peace out '06

2006 was, all in all, pretty damn great. thanks for another rad year, sweet pals!

1. what's your favorite unibloggal post ever?

i'm pretty sure this post changed some lives.
also...friday's dating tip: stick to your own hood contains, in my opinion, one of the best quotes of '06:

"if you're from the marina and you're a dude, your salmon button up shirt will match your girlfriend's face, an awesome hue achieved from months of tanning. also, she's at the gym so much that she won't even notice that you're probably gay. why else would you vote for a republican and wear shiny dress shoes on the the weekend?"


2. what's your favorite record of the year?

i'm gonna give first place to califone 'roots & crowns'. here are a few of my faves for your listening pleasure.

3. what's your favorite celebrity wtf of the year?

rip torn-the-eff-up's mugshot's just too damn good.

4. most babe-a-licious man of the year:

sweet will johnson.

since i didn't give 'fort recovery' top album status (although it's def up there) i've gotta give the centro-matic frontman that melts the shit outta my heart some love.

5. drunkest moment of the year/biggest impending doom feeling:

i was a detective for shame-o-ween this year. apparently there were some clues somewhere in the area of gary tj's lady friend's breast which i grabbed, complimented (to him) and then entirely erased from my memory until i was reminded of the majority of the evening a couple days later.

6. favorite photo of your group of pals from 2006:


pants off dance off

7. Favorite thing (blog/site/video) online right now:

i need music in my ears for pretty much the entirety of the work day or i go insane. thank sweet baby jesus for hype machine and also kexp. some good daily programs but the real jackpot is the huge archive of live performances.

8. Craziest crazy person in the street/on public transportation story:

while on the 22 fillmore the bus got real crowded and a pretty beat old lady got pushed a little. she screams at a group of teenagers "you knocked my teeth out, bitches". i looked down the aisl and sure enough her full set of dentures were lying there. she then screams multiple times "gimme my fuckin' teeth back". one of the young dudes finally reaches down, grabs the teeth, hands them to this fine old lady and she shoves them back into her mouth.
i also have endless sick stories about the 14 mission if anyone's new year's resolution is to barf more.

9. Favorite beverage of 2006:

i love me some good coffee

10. New Years Resolution:

i hope to invert the current ratio that rules my diet of burritos:veggies and coffee/booze:water

It's been a crazy year

With ten days to go, I have all my questions answered. Well, not all my questions, but the ten that Erin posed today.

1. what's your favorite unibloggal post ever?

I think I’d have to go with Steph’s “Series of letters to the first girl I ever fingered by Michael Ian Black” because it led me to one of my favorite pieces on the web. A piece I reread almost weekly and it makes me lol every time.

2. what's your favorite record of the year?

At the risk of sounding conceited, I’m gonna have to go with Chosen Pussy’s Greatest Hits.

3. what's your favorite celebrity wtf of the year?

Ummmm, do the roommates of the Real World count as celebrities, because I think everything they’ve done since they moved in has constituted one giant wtf.

4. most babe-a-licious man of the year

Bea Arthur.



Hot.

5. drunkest moment of the year/biggest impending doom feeling

Oh, where to begin. Was it this year that I woke up in nothing but a mullet wig and then barfed on the F train? No, that was 2005. Perhaps is was the night I went out in the meat packing district with Gordon and Terryl and managed to get us kicked out of all the hip clubs. Whatever, some people just like to take off their shirts when they’re pretending to pole dance.

6. favorite photo of your group of pals from 2006, please post



I’m just kidding.

My favorite photo has to be from my Ugly Sweater Party on Saturday. I’m sure Gordon’s thrilled that this is now online TWICE.



Also, jumping back to the beginning of 2006, I have to include this one of the masterbraiders:




7. Favorite thing (blog/site/video) online right now (with link).

My all-time favorite blog is of course dooce.com the blog that inspired me to create You Nork, which in turn inspired Stephanie to start Unibloggal. So to sum it up, if there was no Dooce, there’d be no Unibloggal. And my favorite video might still have to be from The Lonely Island, pre-SNL fame. So, the video is not in fact from 2006, but the SNL fame is… sort of.

8. Craziest crazy person in the street/on public transportation story

On Wednesday night, I was followed the four blocks from the subway station to my house in Brooklyn by a gangster-type lad shouting, “Don’t pretend that you aren’t looking for cock! All you bitches wanna get fucked. You want my cock, bitch. Don’t you cross the street to get to get away from me. Come on, you know you want my cock.” I mean, he wasn’t that crazy because I really did, in fact, want his cock. I ended up inviting him upstairs for some Christmas cookies and a good fuck.

9. Favorite beverage of 2006

Dr. Pepper. It will always be Dr. Pepper. I love you, Dr. Pepper.

10. New Years Resolution

Cut down on Dr. Pepper.

hey 2006, don't let the door hit you in the ass

happy holidays, everyone. in honor of this special time of year, we have decided to share with you a look back on what for us has been a year of growth and subtle transition into the blogosphere. we hope you're happy to have us, because for us, you dear 12 readers (that's right, we've grown!), you're all we need to have a stuffed stocking. throughout the next week or so, various members of the unibloggal family will share with you a quaint retrospective on the year past. we hope you enjoy it. and if you're traveling, be safe, keep it to under three liquid ounces and don't drink too much egg nog. that shit is nasty.

Favorite unibloggal post ever?
that's an easy one. by far our most awesome and "commercially viable" post was tonight i'll be your naughty girl, the creative pubic hair manipulation game by nads, posted by laurin on august 21st.
Favorite record of the year?
another easy one. so this is good bye by the junior boys kicks major ass. and it makes you (me) want to take off your (my) clothes. second place goes to show your bones by the yeah yeah yeahs. and their website kicks ass.
Favorite celebrity wtf of the year?
well, i tend to believe that all celebrities are wtf worthy, but i think my blue ribbon goes not to britney, paris, lindsey or the crocodile hunter, but to jared leto for being the biggest douche brain on the planet with the shittiest band alive.
Most babe-a-licious man of the year?
one minute for erin brown to be totally mushy.
Drunkest moment of the year/biggest impending doom feeling?

Favorite photos of the friend family from 2006?
they're all right here.
Favorite online "what have you" (blog/video/etc)?
hmm. i'm very self centered, so i usually just read our blog over and over and over. let me me think of something other than the "dick in a box" video, which i can't stop watching. here's a blog, a video, and a photo that i really love.
Craziest crazy person in the street/on public transportation story:
this actually happened today when a 90 yr old chinese woman was coughing and hacking up loogies so hard (into a plastic bag) that she barfed on the bus. MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Favorite beverage of 2006?
champagne. i'm fancy.
New Years Resolution?
i would like to start recycling and not eating cookies. and i'll start smoking more, so i can quit. and i'll definitely go to the gym a whole bunch. (not)

christmas present anyone?

after catching up on episodes of mtv's rob and big (which i now love) i have discovered that i am now also obsessed with bulldogs, especially given their natural pension for skateboarding. rob and big chronicles the (mis) adventures of professional skater rob drydek, his bodyguard/bff christopher "big black" boykin and there new bulldog puppy meaty. in one of the episodes they come across tyson, "the skateboarding bulldog," and attempt to teach meaty how to skate. i'm in love, i'm definitely getting one and they will be skateboarding before you know it. here's a little promo video of tyson's talents to get you obsessed too.

I carried a watermelon?!?

It was the worst “I carried a watermelon?” moment at a work meeting ever.

All our male readers may need an explanation. Unlike every girl, you dudes may not have watched Dirty Dancing 800 times over and balked in empathy when Baby informs Johnny that she “carried a watermelon” to get into the staff party.* Because how could any line ever be more embarrassing than that?

I’ll tell you what line could be more embarrassing than that. Let me start by explaining that I’m not a good presenter. It’s something I need to work on, as it’s the job of a copywriter to present their ideas in front of big groups, but I still have a way to go. So at the meeting last week to review all the ideas for a new constipation medication website, I got up in front of 20 adults to present my masterpiece: The Normalmeter (pronounced nor-MALL-mi-tur). The tool that helps people find their “normal” when it comes to their digestive issues (my job is sooo glamorous). I got so nervous when I stood up that here is what eloquently came out of my mouth:

“The point of this program is to illustrate that everyone has a different ‘normal.’
What’s normal for you might not be normal for someone else. I mean, maybe normal for you is being a vegan. And normal for me, is, um, eating puppies!”

The room grew silent and 20 faces looked at me blankly.

Finally the creative director spoke, “Uh, that’s just not normal.”

EATING PUPPIES? From what sick recess of my brain did that example spring? Good thinking, Audrey. Eating fucking puppies. Maybe normal for you is decapitating kittens and raping babies.

Well, at least everyone at the office now knows what a freak I am, so next time I say something insane they won't be surprised.

*I also used to pause and rewind the shot of Patrick Swayze’s bare ass getting out of bed. Is that normal?

teen beat: best present ever

basically i could have used this weekly box of chatter to air my feelings of lust and admiration for one justin p. timberlake (i just made up his middle initial, so what). he went from totally geek to totally chic (like ronald p. miller aka mcdreamy) and he makes songs that inspire women worldwide to take off their clothes. he's from the south but for the most part curbs his potentially hideous accent. he devirginized britney spears and is now boning a hot older lady, something we older ladies greatly admire. in addition, he dances like a BSG (basketball shoe guy) but doesn't wear suspenders or actual athletic attire. and to make matters even more insanely bonerific, he's in this, which might be the single catchiest and hilarious thing i've seen in like 3 days:


on january 11th me and several of my girl and gay friends will be traveling to san jose to see mister timberlake in the flesh. we will be riding in this:

except ours is going to have a STRIPPER POLE and a cage for COUGARS. roar!

coke head of the class

this weekend, i had the displeasure of attending a random holigay party filled with coked-up homos of marginal intelligence. normally, my puritanical ass can guzzle alcohol in these kind of situations and have a good time. however, i should have listened to my gut—let’s call it my smilla’s sense of snow—which told me to leave as soon as i stepped foot inside. you see, the party was a pseudo-serious one, involving heart-to-hearts, cheese spreads, "which firm do you work for?," and "oh my god, i’ve been to indiana!!!"

anyway, i stuck around for a good 45 minutes, but had to leave after overhearing the following conversation which, sadly, was delivered in earnest:

coke head 1: you know what?
coke head 2: what?!
coke head 1: like, in 50 years, like, in our lifetime, the north pole is totally going to melt and we’re going to be underwater.
coke head 2: that is so totally going to suck!!!
coke head 1: i know! but you live on the 4th floor so you should be okay.
coke head 2: yeah. you know, that’s why i didn’t take that job in miami.

holidating

this is a sexy couple on their way to a black tie holiday affair.

i was watching the today show this morning while i was hungoverly getting ready for work and ann curry and meredith vierra were giving me tips on what to wear to holiday parties. mine is tonight. i hope i don't barf.

anyway, the holidays can be a tricky time for daters, so i am going to offer a few suggestions that i hope will make your yule tidings a bit more sexified.

1. don't buy him drakkar noir. that's for 10th grade. actually do buy it for him because that way you can ensure that no other woman will both never have sex with him and also not come within fifteen feet of him.

2. don't include mention of one boyfriend/girlfriend in your family holiday update letter and accidently send that to another boyfriend/girlfriend. that actually happened to me this year and it was awkward.

3. don't walk around with mistletoe hanging above your head expecting that lots of babes will want to french you. attach it just above your zipper, instead.

4. if you have an office crush and you somehow get that person as a secret santa, don't buy them undergarments. not only will you offend them if you buy a size that's too big, but you'll have to spend every day of the coming year wondering if they're wearing them. sheer office torture!

5. if you're going home to meet the parents of a new significant other, there are a few things to keep in mind. (a) don't get drunk and sit on his dad's lap, especially if you're a boy or a REALLY hot girl - either way, dad boners are uncomfy (b) don't bring up the possibility of children, the mom will get really excited and will hate her child forever if he/she someday dumps you (c) don't have loud sex, duh. that's such a cliche from every meet the the parents rom com.

6. don't get swept up in the holiday mash fest and end up feeling lonely. if you do, you'll end up having either i'm only doing this because i don't want to cry sex, if anyone else were available i'd be doing it with them sex or please buy me a christmas present even though you hate me sex. (not sure what exactly that is, but i'm counting on one of you to figure it out for me.)

More office party lore

Okay, you wanna talk office holiday parties?? We'll talk office holiday parties. Actually, I can't say too much about mine because my memory fades sometime after the third hour of the open bar. But I did get some strange looks the next day. And more than one coworker came up to me and asked "Are you really in a band called 'Chosen Pussy'?" "Um, no. That must've been a different drunk freelancer with her tights on her head."

However, I can talk about the Fake Office Holiday Party by Metro Metro that I went to on Wednesday. The one where everyone pretended to be a typical employee. Characters included:

Condescending IT Guy
Loud Talking HR Person Who Knows Your Personal Info
Guy who "knows" Photoshop from a 2-Hour Class
"Technically, That's Illegal"
Lunchtime Yoga Group Member
"Wait to You Hear How Smart My Baby Is"
The Gay Guy
"I Swear I'm Not Gay"
"This Is Just a Day Job, I'm in a Band"
Smells of Cat
"Well, This Isn't How We Did It In the Marines"
Office Virgin
"I'm Not Racist, But"
“Want to Read My Poetry?”
Inappropriately Dressed
One of the Four People Nobody Can Tell Apart
"Buy My Kids' Cookies"

If you’ve worked in an office, I know you know all those people. The winner of the night, or course, was “Office Whore” but only because she blew everyone in the bathroom. Cheater.

L+O+V+E

i would like to take this opportunity to wish my fellow unibloggistas a happy six month anniversary. i feel like we've really bonded and have become one since way back in june when this fine blog was birthed from our fingers.

awesome audrey - even though you are on an opposite coast, i feel so attached to you through your talk of poo.
sweet stephanie - your photoshopping skills make me weak in the knees. my eyeballs quake at every image your brains create.
lovely laurin - even though you're now married, i am happy that we share a love child named unibloggal.
captivating colleen - you are a little tornado and i hope to soon be at the eye of your storm.
jammin' julie - despite the fact that you've fled from frisco, just like peaches & herb, we've reunited and it feels so good...cyberly.

Work Holiday Party Aftermath

You know the girl in your office who doesn't speak and you really aren't even sure if she has teeth and then all of a sudden you have your holiday work party and that girl is dancing on the bar with her shirt off and frenching tony from accounting? Well, folks, I'm that girl. But instead of dancing on the bar, I was wrestled to the ground and instead of taking my shirt off I had a bloody nose after face planting into the bar that filled up two dishrags. Oh, and it wasn't tony from accounting, but it was the audio guy and rohit gave me a motherload of a hickey. Yeah.

Okay, the party started at 2pm (first mistake) at dave and busters - I know, it's douche central, but so fun. I can't turn down skeeball. Ever. Or air hockey. But this is the result of my air hockey game:


Okay, time to go home and do a wardrobe change (only cause if I didn't, I would have been wearing a loin cloth by the end of the night).

Onto party number two - lameo. Seriously, one co-worker told me about how she used to be obese and how when she lost all the weight she had what she described as a "mudflap", and honestly, I couldn't handle that shit. So…onto party number three (mistake #45 by this point). That's where I talked to my boss for over an hour about how I don't really want to work in television (how do I still have a job today?) and about being single - it was like pillow talk! I don't think I let him get a word in. I surely didn't ask one question - just flapped my gums till finally it was time to put a lid on it. He politely excused himself.

So I moved down the bar to the audio guy who is so cute, but lord, he had the world's ugliest shirt in the world on. I tried to take it off and I believe I asked him what he was thinking when he put that on, but boy oh boy, retardo. So he starts doing all this dirty talk 101 to me (which is not hot, by the way), "touch my dick, it's huge. Is your pussy wet?" I was like enough with the skinemax bullshit, lets makeout. So we did. In front of everyone. Yep. It was rough. Dear lord - that was me. I'm that guy.

Then that's over and I go and decide to wrestle with brynn. She's a scrappy gal and had me on the floor in a matter of seconds. Well, face first - hard floor - broken nose. No, not actually broken but when I say blood, I mean probably a gallon of blood came out. Pouring. Like someone just turned on the faucet. You would think that once you start bleeding, it's time to go home. No. I'm not even close to being that rational.

Head over to see my friend and we decide to give each other hickeys. Not make out. Just neck. He's indian so I didn't make much of a mark, but hot damn! I have a full on placemat of a hickey on my neck. I think I tried to make out with him by showering him with compliments, "you are my number two crush in the office". Yeah, number two. I'm a total sweetheart.

And I'm back in the office today. I feel like a racehorse with a broken leg. I'm useless and my time is limited. Someone needs to put me down. A racehorse with a broken leg and swollen nose. Ouch.

holiday gift giving?!

hi. i hate buying unfun presents for people. therefore, i've compiled a list of potential gifts by friends of unibloggal. please support them with your wallets and buckaroos. thanks.

pretty pretty paintings by cielo oreste.

glorious earrings by chiara triska.

sweet wallets by slaughterhead.

bitchen bags by ryan green.

and finally, amazing photo zines by jeremy and claire of day19.

B-U-T

and now for some post lunch distracting and hilarious sweetness courtesy of wonder showzen:

ask me ask me ask me

Here’s an activity to do with friends. Have a contest to see who can come up with the most depressing lyric from The Smiths. It’s remarkably easy as all their lyrics pretty much want to make you take a knife to your throat. A serrated one, so you can slowly saw through your jugular while you contemplate the misery of the world.

But seriously, what’s there to be so sad about, Morrissey? You’re an effing rock star! rejoice! But no, instead:

“Haven't had a dream in a long time
See, the life I've had would make a good man bad
So for once in my life let me get what I want
Lord knows it would be the first time”

Not depressing enough for ya? Try this one on for size:

“Surly you're happy
It should be this way?
I said "No"
And then I shot myself
So, drink, drink, drink”

And my personal favorite:

“I think about life and I think about death
And neither one particularly appeals to me”

Endless fun, I tell you.

What reminded me of Morissey and The Smiths? Two blogs I read regularly: Dooce and my friend’s friend Jim. Which begs the question:
In my life, why do I give valuable time to people who don't care if I live or die?

teen er...elderly beat tuesday

erin generously let me take over her teen beat tuesday post today so that i can share with our loyal readers my love for george takei. george built a name for himself in the mid to late 60s when he stared as helmsman sulu along side captain kirk on the original star trek. i have come to know and love him as the newest recurring guest host on the howard stern show. george takei is the lovable gay former tv star grandpa you never had. he's cute as a button and makes me smile every time i hear his infamous laugh or use the phrase "oh my." the video below is from george's roast of william shatner on comedy central. i could just die from a cute overload when george calls artie lange his "cuddly muffin." i promise you'll love him too.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULIE!

The big banana
And karaoke queen
That’s our Juliana
Hilarious and obscene
She'll bring you up
She's never dull
Her kiddish cup
Is always full
Singing 'bout Hannukah
Rapping 'bout Jews
Her entertainment
Is sure to amuse
Today's her birthday
Soon to be a relic
And all she really wants
Is to bone Tom Selleck

Happy B-day Jules. Tons of love from Unibloggal.