Monday, October 02, 2006

Everybody say "Yo!" Everybody say "cirrhosis!"

I don’t usually blog about what I’m doing at work for fear of getting fired. However, this week I’m making an exception because the work I’m doing right now is too hilarious NOT to blog about. So, at the risk of losing my job, here’s a description of my assignment: create educational materials about Hepatitis C for inmates of a particular state prison. Seriously, does it get more random than that?

This is a surprisingly challenging assignment. Firstly, I’m no specialist on Hepatitis A, B and C (In fact I knew nothing about them until last week). Secondly, the prisoners are not allowed to be given anything that can be used as a weapon, like pens. Or paper. And thirdly, according to the brief, the emotional maturity and reading level of prisoners at this particular facility ranges from 3rd grade to PhD.

I spent all day brainstorming on Friday and came up with two ideas. The first concept I presented to the group was called “Stab the virus” in which we give all the prisoners knives and ask them to hurl them and the giant stuffed animal Hep C virus in the middle of the room. There was a long silence until I explained that that was a joke. More silence. Okay, moving on…

My next idea was to write a Hepatitis rap. Because if there’s one thing prisoners love, it’s hip hop. Right? Right? I have no idea. But I’m good at writing raps. They liked the idea, which meant that Friday afternoon, I had to perform the rap in front of four people I’d never met before. As I stood up and asked the man to my right to beatbox, I realized how incredibly ridiculous the rap was (I had written it that morning when I think I was still drunk from the previous night). Some verses included:

Here’s a little review, to start out the day
Let’s give a shout out to Hepatitis A
The Hep A virus is it’s own species
Where can you find it? You find it in feces!

If you shared a razor or shared a syringe
Or shared a straw on a cocaine binge
If you’ve been shootin’ up drugs, what’s the prognosis?
Could be Hepatitis C – liver cirrhosis

I think you’d be hard-pressed to find another rapper that uses the word “feces.” (Where as liver cirrhosis is in practically every other Eminem single).

The rap was a big hit. So much so that today I’m supposed to write four more. The first one is about the function of the liver. Can anyone think of anything that rhymes with Hemoglobbin? Shit.


erin is gross said...

massive laff attack.

New Agey No Friends said...

"hoes be mobbin''"

"chillin at Red Robin"

"emo toboggan"


erin is gross said...

holy eff. you totally just rapped emo, hemoglobbin and unigloggal into one fancy rhyme. i love it.

grensley said...

i think i just peed my pants a bit

j. keith van rappin said...

Gift of Gab barely rhymed hemoglobin once...

Blackalicious "Lyric Fathom"
Have to go after you jugular
Then s**t gets uglier
Man I hope you take heed
I'm making brain cells bleed in excess amount of hemoglobin
I rap, yes I'm out to see you bobbin' ya noggin'
I've been gobblin' n****s talkin' s**t like Hagen-Daas
Stompin' ‘em, mobbin' with the ill ass skill as seen
On individuals who fiend for the real s**t