friday dating tip: blink 18-poo

i have writers blog today. that was supposed to say writer's block but then i turned on my sirius internet radio. howie stern and his loveable gang is off on friday because they are shit bangs, so i searched for something else to fill my ear holes. that adventure took me through a few minutes in which i learned how to shuck snap peas on martha stewart's channel. then i had to listen to some shitty aphex twin song on the douche channel. then i almost choked my way through a dongballed rod stewart and then the travelling wilbury's song on my mom's channel. then i found my way home to "alt nation" where my ears were first blessed with the sounds of afi then POOF, vomit in audio form.


this is a song called "i miss you" by blink 182.

are you still with me? because here comes the dating tip, along with a really great story. in 1995 i had this nice albeit far away boyfriend (i was at college and he wasn't). coming from the OC, it made sense that he had a shaved head, a VW bus and a love for weed. and i had a two inch long homemade haircut, some ugly clothes and a slut problem, apparently. being a member of the alternative nation and because it was 1995, my friends an i trecked on down to downtown santa barbara for the no doubt show. gimme a break, it was TOTALLY before they blew up, bra (that one was for you, linds). to make a long story somehow shorter, blink 182 was opening for them. we had no clue who they were but they wanted to party with us! we ended up at taco bell and then at some mansion in the hills where we played games and they tried to get us to lesbian out on eachother. i gave my standards away during the first round of make out with your dorm neighbor and ended up cheating on my nice boyfriend with one of the shit sacks in this band. the next day when he came up to spend the weekend with me i did this thing that crossed a line between being honest/coming clean and totally bragging to him about my sinful night with some broski with a guitar (did i just give away which one it was?). we broke up and now i think he's getting married soon.

the tip is: you only live once, french the guy in the band because anyone can get married.

fad hag

first off, let me admit that i'm a total hypocrite. i live in williamsburg, rock the occasional drama-bang, own moderately skinny jeans, and exclusively wear chucks.

that said, this skinny jean/ballet slipper/american apparel aesthetic has simply gone too far. our youth---or, in my case, unhip boss---are dressed in head to toe shrink wrap! america, we are one step away from popularizing lace-up crotches, i know it. are those men pictured above sexy? straight?! capable of human reproduction?!!

multiple choice

there's this fun game to play with your boy/girl friend on instant messenger/g-chat/whathaveyou. it's called multiple choice quiz. i just played this with my man of choice and he wasn't too excited about the game. here's how it went:

me: pick one of these that's true. the other three are false.
him: ok
me:
a. i frenched someone else (i used to have a frenching problem)
b. i'm wearing a dress over jeans (he hates this look)
c. i'm moving to new york (i REALLY love new york)
d. i can't come over and make you dinner tonight (that was the plan for tonight)
him: i really hope you're wearing a dress over jeans

he was correct. this was my way of making my outfit not seem so menacing.

the only reason i'll ever want to go to vegas

this is hands down the best piece of news i read all day. i swear to the l.b.j., if the world has a giant jacko robot roaming around freely through the desert shooting laser beams through it's eyes, i will die a happy woman. and if they ever open up neverland to the public (think similar to graceland) then i'll die a really happy woman. and holy moly, if an insider from the jackson camp (paris? blanket? bubbles?) ever balls up to write a tell-all, i can't even begin to explain how completely ecstatic i'd be.
____________________________________________________
Michael Jackson wants Vegas robot
03/27/2007 4:00 PM,
Yahoo! Music.music

Michael Jackson is in discussions about creating a 50-foot robotic replica of himself to roam the Las Vegas desert, according to reports. The pop legend is currently understood to be living in the city, as he considers making a comeback after 2004's turbulent child sex case. It has now been claimed that his plans include an elaborate show in Vegas, which would feature the giant Jacko striding around the desert, firing laser beams. If built, the metal monster would apparently be visible to aircraft as they come in to land in the casino capital. It is the centerpiece of an elaborate Jackson-inspired show in Vegas, according to Andre Van Pier, the robot's designer.

Luckman Van Pier, his partner at the company behind the proposal, claims blueprints have been drawn up for the show and seen by the star. "Michael's looked at the sketches and likes them," he told the New York Daily News. On the subject of the robot, he continued: "It would be in the desert sands. Laser beams would shoot out of it so it would be the first thing people flying in would see."

CALLA: tomorrow night at rickshaw!

come out tomorrow night and check out calla. they're a rad band and also happen to be phil's old pals from texas. come show em some love.

look! sweet quarby wrote about them right here

there is a birthday among us

young stephanie has turned older. our great pal colin has commemorated this special occasion with a hearty stab at photoshop genius. do you remember weasel, the dogs born with no ears? poor guy couldn't hear everyone singing happy birthday. but once he figured it out, he mounted her. hard.

teen beat tuesday: most improved player

have any of you people been watching "dancing with the stars?" admit it, dammit. anyway, ian ziering aka steve sanders used to be a puffy haired mullet pasty dong parade. he was so gross. remember when he filmed a porno at the walsh house and he played the pizza man? yuck. here's an example:


as you might have heard, he's now one of the stars who is learning to ballroom dance. he's got sort of this super chiseled beard, his blonde hair is less cottony and pouf tastic. he's not hard core tucking his salmon shirts anymore, he's kind of moderately buff and not so oddly doughy. the bad part is that he has to wear sick suits and sparkles and stuff. ya know? am i dead meat?

he kind of looks like a pigeon here but i can't find a better photo.

i think my cat wants to be a woman

this is my cat simon. lately he's been convincing me that he wants to be a lady, or at least accessorize like one. you see, in my room i have a little table. on that table is an assortment of necklaces, bracelets and earrings with which i frequently decorate my person. lately, my cat (shown above) has been trying to get on that little table. when he isn't successful, he just swipes at various bangles and lariats until they're knocked onto the floor at which time he rolls around on them or bats them around my room. he's always been a bit effeminate, but i think living in san francisco is having a remarkable effect on him.

A birthday message from overseas

Allen the Alpaca has a very special message for Stephanie...

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEFF-LEZ!"

I showed him a photo of you and he got very excited (see raised ears) so I gave him your email address, hope that's cool. I thought maybe you two could get to know each other online, and then maybe he can come to live with you in San Francisco. Since Ralph died and all, Allen can live in a bowl on your desk... yes?

Good. Hope you're having a great one, Stephanie! I'll see you on Saturday!

nuggetts of the week: amy poehler & will arnett

Married nuggetts Amy Poehler & Will Arnett star in the new Will Farrell movie Blades of Glory opening this Friday, March 30th. The movie has a kick ass cast and will likely be hilartown...especially if i smoke some wacky tobacky before going. I heart Will Farrell and ice skating movies in general (hello, Ice Castles, The Cutting Edge...damn I really need an ice skating movie marathon now!) These two are shiznet and I can't wait to see them on the big screen. Check out those costumes! Hot. You know they were having some crazy olympic fantasy ice-skating sex in those outfits.

non merci

the grand canyon skywalk is a horseshoe-shaped glass walkway, suspended 1,200 meters above the canyon---a height that eclipses the world's largest skyscrapers. the skywalk is anchored deep into a limestone cliff. on march 20th, native american leaders and former astronauts stepped onto the skywalk and looked down to see the 4,000-foot chasm below. quote from hell: "As people walk across it, the glass layers creak and the deck wobbles almost imperceptibly."

Oops, I did it again...

I've played with my own heart and put myself out there for the online dating community to have their way with me. With my first message from a potential suitor, I am reminded why I hate online dating. It's hard in New York, people...

"you are delightfully mysteriously striking and perhaps the bee's knees! though i don't have much to go on... i'm am quite fond of owls and swans. so... what else do you fancy? how about oysters and bloody marys on a sunday... digging through old albums you've got hidden in boxes somewhere? did you ever go through a Rod Stewart phase? me neither... but i bought a bunch off some guy on the street the other day. have you ever been to tokyo? up at 5 am to visit the magical theatrical fish market where they auction off the tuna with surreal billowing clouds of dry ice singing the prices and twirling bright red paint brushes to mark each sale? giggling girls in little bo peep outfits on the subway next to business men blushing?"

Come on, people! How do I possibly respond to this??? Of course I went through a Rod Stewart phase! No, seriously, didn't we all? I'll figure it out b/c he's actually one of the cuter people on there so I think I'll go out with him. And yes, you'll hear all about it.

friday dating tip: snot

happy friday, y'all. i'm currently sick with a snotty nose, sore throat and rancid cough. not rancid like the band, but just kind of gross and the kind of thing that if you heard it from a stranger on the bus you'd stare at them like they had fleas and goiters. anyway, i don't really get sick to often which is rather stunning considering my lifestyle, but when i do get sick, i turn into a large whining baby. pathetic style.

in the image i've included for you (above) you can see that whomever this woman calls her significant other is really awesome. he/she/it's done a few key things to ensure her comfort and happiness while sick.

1. the couch has been vacated so everyone can sleep. she can cough and watch movies all day and night. though from the looks of her face, he's (presumably) trying to get her to watch turner and hooch when she wants to watch dirty dancing.

2. she's wearing mismatched flannel pjs. nothing beats flannel when you're snotty.

3. she has a beverage with a long straw. whoever hooked her up with that is a major keeper, assuming they are also keeping the glass full. when i was at home sick (alone!) yesterday i actually brought the britta into my room with me so i wouldn't have to get up. the next stop was attaching a tray table to my cat's back and teaching him some new tricks.

4. the old blankie if any s/o wants to score mom (or general nurturer points), they'll bust out an old blankie that reminds you of your childhood, but in only a moderatly creepy way.

5. lastly, and the only thing wrong with this photo, is the lack of action that's happening here. if your loved one is sick, you really need to stick it in em. or vis versa. mucous or not, it's the least you can do!

the world's sh*ttiest mixtape

Two bored roommates (who moonlight as comedians) challenged each other to come up with the world's shittiest mixtape. Each had to pick only five songs and with the third roommate as a judge, the loser was forced to play their mixtape loudly while carrying a boombox through the streets of New York. The video is a few years old but will induce a giggle or two nonetheless.

If you like what you see the creators have a new show, The Human Giant, scheduled to premier April 5th on MTV. The comedy series with showcase some short films, including the one above, and will feature notable funnymen Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn among others.

Baby Nuggets of the Week!

i mean, seriously, could the fuckin' jolie-pitt crew get any more adorable. it's so cute i might barf.

am i fired?

I kind of like this song...am i fired? Probably, but whatever. I love myself a little white R&B, especially when the singer is related to Growing Pain's Alan Thicke. Hotness!

teen beat wednesday

sorry. i'm old and forgetful. that said, this week's hotface is one ira glass.
sometimes when i feel like acting smart or hearing something that will touch my cockles, i will listen to npr. ira is a staple and is probably the only person on npr without some kind of weird accent related to his/her last name and also who doesn't have a faux european accent. these are two things i can get behind. as of tomorrow, you can see half hour episdoes of this american life on showtime. yay!

here's a link to an excellent article about him and the show from today's ny times. i like it when they write about cute cameron frye look alikes so i have a reason to open the paper other than the crossword.

old.

business casual

when i'm at work, i'm all business!! think amanda woodward at d&d advertising, minus the sex on the conference room table. anyway, today, i was all business when i walked past a group of board members and my executive director. "how do you do? how do you do? the stocks?! ah, ha ha ha, i know, you just can't trust that dow! and the state of the criminal justice system today, my word. oh look, you dropped something, let me pick that up for you." RIP!! as i'm bending down to retrieve a piece of paper from the ground for a board member, the button of my pants rips off and fliiiiiiiiiiiiies across the room and my zipper comes undone.

end scene.

ps sad realization: i'm not amanda woodward. i'm alison parker!

Douchebag of the Week: bluefly tv ads

last night I was catching up on some TV and watched in horror as this ad appeared on my screen. a. its starts off in a kind of soft porn meets company HR training video sort of way which, in and of itself, is creepy. b. (and to me) the most douchey aspect of the commercial is when the couple is out to dinner, the dude gets a phone call, picks it up at the sushi bar, and the woman who's just so "understanding" tells him its ok to take the call on their first date. ummmmm hell no! c. as he's chatting in the coat closet, the woman, apparently turned on by her date's extreme level of doucheyness, decides to fuck him right then and there. (insert me: rubbing eyes, shaking head from side to side....whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?)

thank god she ordered some bluefly clothes to come to her date's house (clearly this guy was getting some of the vajayjay no matter what) so she'd have something to wear the next day. oh, bluefly. you're so handy...and so douchey i'm actually embarrassed for you. i can't only imagine the pitch meeting for this ad. i'm convinced it was conceived by these guys.

white collar work out: season finale

on saturday we will be celebrating the births of several pals. our very own stephanie (middle) will be 18 on march 27, george (left with cupcake) will be 41 on march 26 and TODAY! colin (dj no friends, see far right) is turning 14. it's so rad. i hope you all come to madrone to hear matt and colin spin, as you can see, synthups, mash hop, etc.

if your lucky there will be pink cupcakes to eat. HEY! get your mind out of the gutter.

Race to the WhiteHouse is ON

This video has been blowing up on the internet so its likely that many of you tech savvy pop culture addicts have seen this and my post is the equivalent of every stupid chainmail email or "hilarious" ebaumsworld video you got years ago that your distant relatives keep sending you now as if they just discovered the world wide web.

If you haven't seen it. Its quite interesting. No one has figured out the identity of the creator, ParkRidge47, but the Obama campaign has gone on record that, the first of what will become many attacks ads this election season, was not from their camp.

I love it when random folk can have a bigger impact on politics, campaigns and all that nonesense without having to raise a billion dollars and consult with all the best political strategists. Ah, democracy.

*Update* ParkRidge47's identity has been discovered.

eff google! i'm searcing with kfed

In an all too clever promotional push for his new album "Play With Fire" Kevin Federline has created his own search engine/sweepstakes. Iwon.com anyone? Current top winners on the Search With Kevin site include A. Anderson who's close to securing his/her very own KFed t-shirt and T. McPheeters who's almost got his/her hot little hands on their very own 8x10 Autographed photo of Mr. (soon to be ex) Spears. Man it is worth it. I'm searching with KFed from now on.

Pleeeeease!

My bday is just around the bend, peeps. Please get me this fuggin dog! He seems to be a rare breed of weiner/lion and I will love him with all of my heart.

nugget(s) of the week: a challenge

i would like to share a video that might challenge laurin's assertion below. brian greenberg and artie lang on kimmel last friday. brian is a full on fox, though he's really nervous because he's a huge artie fan. artie is a fat cuddley muffin.

nugget of the week: simon cowell

last night, anderson cooper (also a huge nugget) interviewed simon cowell for a segment on 60 minutes. cowell is one smart dude, almost single-handedly making Song/BMG one of the most successful music labels in recent history. with over 75 idol artists all over the world signed to the label cowell has ingeniously discovered, quite possible, the most lucrative artist of all time: "idol." it doesn't seem to matter who they are or where they are from, "idol" as the artist has made Sony/BMG and simon cowell very, very rich and as long as people continue believe in the "american dream" that anyone can make it, there is really no end in sight. check out the interview above. its a bit long but worth it in my opinion.

mandy whore?: part deux

during the pop princess wars, mandy moore seemingly emerged as the naive, wholesome, innocent one. well, for no real reason, i’m here to periodically prove otherwise to the unibloggal readership!

if you recall, we started this game with the ridiculously suggestive and age inappropriate lyrics to the song "saturate me," which our little lolita mandy recorded at the age of 17. let us follow this up with "love shot," which she recorded at the even riper age of 15. (my favorite bits are italicized.)

Tonight is gonna be the night

Tell ya how its gonna be

Gonna give my love to you

If you give it back to me

That's the way I planned it

That's our destiny

It only takes a minute to come and go with me

Ain't no doubt about it

I'm so into you

Tell you just what I'm gonna do

Hit you with my love shot

Tell me can ya handle this or is it too hot?

Only gonna take one kiss to show what I've got

Cuz I won't stop

With my love shot

Oh yeah

I don't care what you did before

Cuz now it's a brand new game

I'm everything you're searchin' for

And you'll never be the same

Real love is what I'm all about

Don't ya know that I play full key?

So if you wanna treat me right...

then you'll get the best for me

There's no way to fight it

There's no where to hide

No words to explain what I'm feeling deep inside

Take you on a journey

Sure to satisfy

Baby come along for the ride

I'm here for you, you're here for me

And this is how it's meant to be

You can't deny it

I'll take you up

I'll take you down

I'll show you what real love's about

Come and try it

Hit you with my love shot.

has david cross jumped the shark?

friday afternoon means checking gmail 800 times a second even though it refreshes on its own, dreaming about after work cocktails, religiously reading celebrity blogs and in between, getting some work done. while reading best week ever i came across this gem and just had to pass it along.

an upcoming episode of law and order will feature the redunkulous anna nicole smith "i'm dead and no one knows who's my babby's daddy" saga. smith will be played the illustrious kristy swanson (from buffy the vampire slayer--the movie aka awesome teen flick aka dylan mckay in a trench coat aka me likey.) the role of howard k. stern will be played by non other than a one mister david cross. this makes me WTF all over the place but lord knows i'll be tivo'ing that shit. i love me some law & order especially in the early years and i still have love for david cross but i'm not quite sure if i like the two together. poo. is it drinks time yet?

friday dating tip: disney dongs

in the spirit of posts past, this week's friday post isn't so much a specific dating tip, but a list of wtfs related to private parts, which are crucial components of dating. what's a date without some privates, ya know? some people would even assert that disneyland is a crucial part of dating, namely me when i was seventeen. back then we called the people mover the people maker and we had many maneuvers intended to get to second base on the haunted mansion.

last night while celebrating the 30 year anniversary of a certain pal's birth, a bunch of us females gathered for wine chugging and shit talking. as a result, we realized that privates and disneyland have a lot more in common that one might instantly assume. (you fellas might not want to read this part because i'm going to get candid about how girls talk when you're not around.) you see, one girl friend had sexy times with a male and she exclaimed, "let's just say it was no mister toad's wild ride!"

to that, another girlfriend rebutted, "it was more like it's a small world!"

then, we realized that disneyland has a veritable cornucopia of private part related coincidences. for example, big thunder mountain:


it draws an obvious connection to mind blowing stranger sex. like you get on a ride that looks fairly harmless, kids are present, there is a mining theme, all is well...until you take off and your shaken about and repeatedly jarred against your seat until the ride abruptly stops. for some reason you want to ride it again but the line is just too long.

then you have the matterhorn which is akin to european bobsled sex.

i don't exactly know what that is but i believe it would be with someone like thor in adventures in babysitting and maybe would happen while on a backpacking trip. there might be some unmentionable ponytail or male belly button ring involved. it would be a story you'd accidentally tell your children after too many sea breezes at a birthday party. do you know what i mean?

and lastly, we have the log jammer:

the look of abundant ecstacy on the faces of these log riders is overt. the name of the ride implies log jamming. if i have to explain this, you need to go somewhere else. but really, a log jammer? i mean, ew. but also, yay. oh, and they take your picture during the climax of this ride. need i say more? and i know that the log jammer is at six flags and the disneyland version includes reference to the song of the south and is actually called splash mountain, but i don't care.

kisses.

death by grilling

Many of you have probably heard of the passing of Boston lead singer Brad Delp. On Friday, March 9th Brad was found dead in his home from an apparent suicide. According to reports he died by lighting two grills in his sealed bathroom, thus succumbing to carbon monoxide poisoning. I've heard of some unique ways people have decided to end it but this one is particularly creative. For other strange ways folks have kicked the bucket (in a non-voluntary way) check out this article on Neatorama, 30 Strangest Deaths in History given to me by Unibloggal pal, Bomarr.

cat: 1 - reporter: 0

yo go kitty

Douchebag of the Week: rave not war

There's not really much I can say about this that isn't stating the obvious. The doucheyness of this event is so profound it like a swift punch to the nards. As my very brilliant friend admitted, "as much as we hate war, we'd rather go to iraq than to a rave." Scary, but true.

Is rave culture ever going to die? If it does, I'll know there is a god, and I'll convert to Christianity immediately and become the biggest Jesus freak this side of James Dobson. As god is my witness.

somebody please fire sanjaya's stylist

I have a mild obsession with American Idol. I love myself some healthly competition, I love seeing Paula Abdul lose it (although admittedly she's been more controlled this season), I have a crush on Simon Cowell and all cynicism aside I actually like some of the contestants.

This season has not failed to disappoint except in the realm of style and Sanjaya Malakar, or more specifically his stylist, have elevated the art of horrible, overly homo coifs to an all time high. Seriously who is behind this mess? Is it a deranged cracked out Ken Paves? I just don't understand. What's worse, the boy is getting sympathy votes instead of getting the boot like he should have received from day one.

I mean WTF?

caticures

like many females my age, i own a cat. it's this thing that happens in your early twenties where you're like, "i need a cat!" and then you get one despite the fact that your mom is like, "they're a lot of responsibility and you might have it forever." and you say, "but moooom! they're so cute." and then you get one and then like ten years later when you're old and need to sleep more but your cat is still there bugging you. and then you get older and you own nice responsible adult furniture but you have to strategically place it behind closed doors so your bastard cats don't scratch the shit out of it. but you're also kind of a fan of being nice to animals and don't like to think about ripping their fingernails out of their hands. so i've been researching some alternatives to flushing him down the toilet and/or letting him go play on a busy street. thus, softpaws.

this little fucker just makes me want to get another kitty. look at how cute he is. is he watching a cat snowboard on the internet?

look how nicely color coordinated this handsome beast is!

my dad used to have a cat named booger who looked exactly like this guy. i wonder if he's a minnesota timberwolves fan. green and purple, right?

thanks to lil cris for the idea!

teen beat tuesday: a female

this is katherine moenning. i think she's a serious piece of babe meat. see, i love netflix because i only have like 3 channels that come in even moderately clearly. sometimes movies suck butts so i rent tv shows. i've watched pretty much every tv show that i have any desire to watch. i have to admit, i was a little scared to rent the l-word because i didn't want my friends who can see my netflix list to think that i am a fan of vag. which i am, but pretty much strictly my own, thanks.

anyway, in the past few days, i've watched 12 episodes of the first season of the l-word. i was compelled to rent it because howard stern's fiance, beth ostroski, is in love with shane. shane is played by katherine moenning who is apparently straight in real life. i mean, wow. she's one of the hottest dudes on tv that i've ever seen. except she's not a dude. i love her.

she could use a massive sammy, but shits. i realize i think i love her because she kind of looks like my bonermachine:

current song obsession

Brooklyn's indie darlings Grizzly Bear may not be new to many of you but this song will be. Taken from a live set the band did on Seattle's famous KEXP, it is haunting, beautiful and at times disturbing. It was originally recorded by The Crystals and was refused radio airplay because of the controversial subject matter.

He Hit Me (It Felt Like A Kiss)

For all you alpaca lovers

And I know there are a lot of you out there.

Sorry this video is shaky and the light is crap, but dude, this alpaca was insane. It kept mounting the fence to eat the food from my hand. It didn't let the sheep or anyone else eat the food.



I spent the rest of the day smelling of alpaca saliva. It was awesome.

a dangerous admission

last night i was a slave to my laundry. everything, sheets, towels, the gnarliest of bottom of the barrel underwear (sorry), all of my weird sweatshirts. you know how it goes. anyway, even though i've tried hard to avoid season one million of ty-ty baby's america's next mediocre never to be heard from again model, i watched it. we've got 2 girls with jiggly boobs and one girl who hasn't eaten in a good few years. so the young girl with the brows got the boot and i was enlightened to learn that next week we'll get to see the miraculous transformations during makeover week! my favorite. that show is crack, i swear. anyway. after it was over and between my trips down to the dryer, i ended up getting wrangled into this other piece of trash television that i actually liked! i'm dead meat.

you see, the pussycat dolls are looking for their next doll. most of the girls are busted up bakersfield mall working prostitutes, but they can dance! i swear. singing, not so much. here's a picture of the dollz:

there is something about this photo of tanned gold clad monsters that reminds me of one of my favorite paintings. it's called the raft of medusa by gericault:

do you see the similarity? if you'd like to see the dolls live and in person, they're playing on saturday with xtina (it's sold out, so don't even think about ditching our birthday party). if you'd like to see the painting, it's in the louvre in paris.

this was a weird post, huh?

Wisdom from the elders

Erin, take it from your older and wiser compatriot. Thirty ain't so bad. I've been thirty for ten whole days, and I gotta say, I have no complaints. In fact, it's been awesome. Although more than half of those ten days have been spent in Sydney, Australia, repelling down waterfalls and going to all-night raves, so it's perhaps not a fair judgement.

Still, I think thirty is cool. I'm not gonna give you some bullshit about thirty being the new twenty. But I will say this - thirty is the new sixteen. Yay - you can finally drive a car!

Happy birthday, old lady, and have an awesome party.

teen beat tuesday: shitty teen tv

have you ever seen prime? prime is this total rom com of the most grade a quality that i am actually inclined to refer to it as girl porn. it involves uma thurman who is 38 and frequents a shrink played by meryl streep. uma ends up dating meryl's 23 yr old son and there are lots of close calls, you know until they all figure it out. the 23 yr old son/boyfriend is played by bryan greenberg (seen below).

he's so god dammerz hot in this movie that you want to turn way older (or just a little bit older if you're me) and go date young boys who go to clubs, dance massively hotstyle and have those shoulder muscles that look hot in wifebeaters even though wifebeaters aren't hot. anyway, i was just informed that bryan greenberg is about to star in a new drama on abc called october road.

i've been looking for something to take the place of my recently deceased oc and i think this might be it. my only issue is that in researching today's teen beatery, i found out that perhaps bryan greenberg was or is on one tree hill. this hurts my feelings. one tree hill is not ok, ya know? i'm tired (and old) and can't deal with matthew patrick sean scott murray or whatever his name is. vomit.

i'm going to get ready to post another teen beat post because it's just that kind of tuesday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIN!

have a rad day as you celebrate getting HELLA old today!
tons of birthday love from your unibloggal pals.

friday dating tip: thirty and dirty

you see, on tuesday i will be turning into jennifer garner. i will get picked up in limos for work, wear "marketing manager" clothes and date men like mark ruffalo. just kidding. but the thing that is not a joke, i will be thirty. this is my last dating tip as a person who has a 2 in the first part of my age. this is stressful. i am going to try and talk myself through this while imparting a bit of knowledge on y'allz.

1) when you're thirty, it's better to date dudes who are slightly younger and slightly more mature than you. this makes you feel youthful and kind of helpless. but only a little. slightly, like i said. no need to go nuts here. their job is to run you ragged (if you know what i mean...horizontal running) and to outdrink you so you can be taken advantage of. so many positives here.

2) when you're thirty, it's also ok to have dad crushes on smart salt and peppery men who you work with. i'm not saying that i have one, by the way, i'm just saying that it's fun because if they happened to like you back you wouldn't be the tarty hussy who grandpas liked to ogle. you can actually act on it. which is fun.

3) when you're thirty you have enough money to buy fun things that show your boobs to the object of your affection. i don't mean like conical madonna bras, but cute shirts that make you want to drink a lot and flirt. i sound like a douche. i just mean that thirty year olds make more money than 21 year olds. we also have 9 more years practice when it comes to frenching.

4) we have awesome birthday parties.