you see, on tuesday i will be turning into jennifer garner. i will get picked up in limos for work, wear "marketing manager" clothes and date men like mark ruffalo. just kidding. but the thing that is not a joke, i will be thirty. this is my last dating tip as a person who has a 2 in the first part of my age. this is stressful. i am going to try and talk myself through this while imparting a bit of knowledge on y'allz.
1) when you're thirty, it's better to date dudes who are slightly younger and slightly more mature than you. this makes you feel youthful and kind of helpless. but only a little. slightly, like i said. no need to go nuts here. their job is to run you ragged (if you know what i mean...horizontal running) and to outdrink you so you can be taken advantage of. so many positives here.
2) when you're thirty, it's also ok to have dad crushes on smart salt and peppery men who you work with. i'm not saying that i have one, by the way, i'm just saying that it's fun because if they happened to like you back you wouldn't be the tarty hussy who grandpas liked to ogle. you can actually act on it. which is fun.
3) when you're thirty you have enough money to buy fun things that show your boobs to the object of your affection. i don't mean like conical madonna bras, but cute shirts that make you want to drink a lot and flirt. i sound like a douche. i just mean that thirty year olds make more money than 21 year olds. we also have 9 more years practice when it comes to frenching.
4) we have awesome birthday parties.
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