Ottoman-rape gets political

Through my half-asleep fog on my couch last night, I thought I saw The Daily Show do a hilarious take off on the famous Youtube Ottoman-rape. Unsure that it had actually occurred, I went online today to see if I could find the video. I fond it, but I can't embed it on the blog, so you’ll have to go here to see it. Scroll down to the “Political Trend Setting” video and then scroll forward to minute 1:28 to see The Daily Show correspondents show us what could happen when the youth of Youtube meets the political arena of the democratic debate.

East Brother Light Station: This Weds!

tomorrow night a few of our sweet pals (quarbs/mott/frankie) are playing a show at the uptown in oakland! definitely check it out!

Words of comfort

Immediately following the pipe explosion and steam blast that rocked midtown last Wednesday, many New Yorkers were concerned it was terrorism. But Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg comforted us all, explaining: “There is no reason to believe this is anything other than a failure of our infrastructure.”

This is supposed to make us feel better? Nope, no terrorists, but the foundation on which this city has stood for the past hundreds of years is now failing. Not just failing, but exploding, apparently.

Frankly, I’m amazed that this city functions at all. With pipes and tunnels dating back to the 1800’s being used by millions and millions of people daily, I’m surprised we don’t have crazy explosions every day. I’m surprised the traffic lights continue to change from red to green.

Every time I turn on my faucet, I rejoice in the minor miracle that water comes out.

shape shifter

fergie makes my skin hurt. and also my brain. i kind of don't understand how her brain must feel on the inside. being a girl who likes clothes and haircuts, i've gone through my fair share of phases. like in 10th grade when i wore a grey bodysuit with huge jeans and weird man construction boots (i don't know what that phase was called), or in 11th grade when i only wore my boyfriend's or dad's clothes, or 12th grade when i only shopped at savers, the best store ever invented (r.i.p.). but fergie is like that times a million. first she was a chick chick on kids incorporated (i loved her, totally wanted to be her).



then she was a ho bag with big fake tits in that magical singing sensation, wild orchid. the sisters with voices gone porno, if you will.

and then a few years later she's back but with brown skin, an eyebrow ring and some shitty fashion gear. and she's a rapper sort of. or something. i wonder if the other black eyed peas will burn in "cred" hell. i wonder. so i got cable, ya know? and this morning i was watching vh1 and i see peter petrelli (yum) with tattoos in bed with this chihuahua. wuff wuff, fergs. she's so gross. and why is she dressed like a rodeo clown hobo but tighter? it's wierd.

don't you think she must be confused? i would be. oh and that song fucking sucks. but this RULES. i can't stop watching.

Michael E. Northrup

it's thursday afternoon. perfect time for some procrastination. check out michael northrup's odd and beautiful photographs to kill some time.

Panic in Manhattan

Living in New York can be scary, especially when pipes explode next to your building.







Was anyone else part of the mayhem in midtown yesterday?

(Pictures from the NY Times)

Somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees

I have to agree with Laurin about the Flight of the Conchords. It’s the funniest show to ever come out of New Zealand (also the only, but don’t worry about that). It makes me all the more happy that Time Warner fucked up our cable for the last few months so now, after Cate gave them a good talking to, we get free HBO. Including… HBO on Demand. Which is pretty much the best thing ever in the entire world ever. Ever.

But, for those of you that don’t have HBO (because possibly you have something more exciting to do with your life than watch cable), you can enjoy many of the highlights online. Like this song…

Think about it.

three word review: evening

bourgeois summer's eve.

i'm not going to lie, the hilary duff edition

1. i think hilary duff is sort of (sorry about the use of this word) sexy.
2. somehow that is highlighted by the video below. it's not the princess jasmine outfit, it's not the belly dancing, i think it's the way she makes the camera talk to the hand.
3. i thought, in some strange inverted universe sort of way, that she slightly dedouched the madden.
4. i can't stop watching this video.
5. i sort of love this song.
6. i need someone to come punch me in the face.
EDIT: somehow, dick clark productions removed all videos of her on that awesome show, so you think you can dance. i mean, the actual music video is actually more entertaining because the dude is hot and her face decorations are more elaborate.

do any of my good friends notice her mini/baby hoodie? do you now see how ahead of trends i am? face!

How to make friends in Queens

It can be hard to meet people in this big city of ours. Even at the sandy, neon-palm treed oasis of Water Taxi Beach.



But Saturday night I learned a new trick to making lots of friends – all it takes is a cowboy hat, a good pal and a hula-hoop. observe:



(The background comments are the best part, especially those made by the Videographer, a one Mr. Shankman)

also this weds!

Telephone Jim Jesus, Somehow at Sea and Newageynofriends live in SF on wednesday @ Madrone. Newagey and our pal Quarterbar play the jams in between sets, too.

bomarr @ laszlo this weds!

Just don't ink prematurely

Granted, I’ve been a little obsessed with creatures of deep recently since I’ve been viewing the BBC’s Blue Planet series on Netflix, but when my roommates told me about the giant squid that washed up in Tasmania this week, I had to check it out.

Fabulous though the pictures are and the fact that it this find will contribute so much to scientific study, etc. etc., my favorite part of the story is: “Scientists suspect that the wounds were the result of a raucous sexual encounter.”

I’d like to introduce a new phrase into our lexicon: squid style. As in, “Dude, I’m so sore today, we did it crazy squid style last night.”

Just be careful when attempting squid style though, you don’t wanna end up like this guy:



Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Mmm mmm mmm – Calamari for everyone!

oh yeah, and this:

today is the greatest day because i will go to zeitgeist

anyone who knew me when i was 17-20 had to look at billy corgan's arguably funky looking face plastered all over my walls. if they were unfortunate enough to know me during those years, they probably had to endure a lot of fan dorky conversations about the smashing pumpkins. for those who know me now, i have pretty much not changed at all and they too have to pretend like i'm their little sister at the mall and not a 30 year old with a job. anyway, all of this aside, if you've looked at the internet over the past several months, you know that "the smashing pumpkins" are back together. i'm not quite buying this, as i don't see no d'arcy and i don't see no james, but whatever. i actually find their new single to be quite awesome, they've picked a great artist to design the cover artwork and the record shares a name with my favorite bar, where i will be sitting within the hour.

i was just looking at the interwebs and found this:

i remember staying up "late" to watch this when i was in high school. i remember enjoying every minute of billy's snaggly teeth. back then i was 17. now i'm 30 and now he's 40:

Spoon me

Last night I waiting in the pouring rain among hundreds of die-hard fans for Spoon to play at Rockefeller Park. I’m not such a die-hard fan, I just don’t mind the rain so much. But it was definitely worth the wait, they put on an awesome show.

Hooray for New York summers and all the free concerts! My plan is to see as many as possible.

Here's the movie I took last night. The shot's not the best, but you can hear how great they sounded, even through the blanket-like humidity and intermittent rain.

nugget of the week: pat kiernan

The second season of VH1's World Series of Pop Culture started this week and with it my renewed love for tv personality and deadpan host, Pat Kiernan. I love this guy. His smile and dry sense of humor has me coming back for more. Well, that and the actually competition. Who's down to try out for Season Three? I need to meet this little nugget in person!

twins

playing the celeb twin game is a favorite hobby of mine. so many laughs to be had. so many laughs when the weird doppelganger is not you. and your celeb twin is not an ugly man. well, a couple of days ago my manpal found a real winner of a celeb twin for yours truly. i tried to deny it at first, but it's just too fucking true and funny. that's right. i am a young tom petty.
motherfucker.

Yeah. Whatever, Audrey.

You and your big, fancy New York fireworks. I'll have you know that all of you east coasters missed out BIG time this year. These are what I felt to be the highlights from last wednesday's show, as seen from a rooftop in the glorious Tenderloin. You might wanna put some shades on, guys.




4th of July from stephstill and Vimeo.

air douche

a few weeks ago me and some pals went to bfd, a very live douchery put on by live 105. i was excited to see such acts as queens of the stoneage and interpol. it was a shame that by the time they played my 216 ounces of bud light had worn off and also, i was being perpetually pelted by trash. it was awesome. here are two highlights.

in this video we see a man doing what i call the "air douche." he is lassoing, doing air fish (like out of a window of a car), smacking dat ass and other hand motions. all to the beat of what is actually a really good band! who knew?

and here we have matt's best friend and hopefully the father of some alternateen who was losing her frenching virginity while sum 41 was playing

and from the back:

in honor of america week

I was in the gym the other day and what comes on the CNN classics channel...none other than the hot shit 80s show American Gladiators. This moment in television glory holds a dear place in my heart. The show was amazing--horrible and embarrassing, yes--but you couldn't help but love it for all its douchey glory. Nothing says American prowess more than a bunch of roided up body builders with names like Malibu, Vulcan, Wolf, Blaze competing in ridiculous costumes and fighting in hilarious battles of tug-o-war, powerball and whiplash. I'm totaling putting together a petition to bring this show back!

The above video is the Season One intro clip. It is painful. Honestly I think it was produced by mentally challenged 5 year olds. I mean the audio doesn't even match the visual for eff's sake. I don't think you could find a better example of why this show was simultaneous horrible and brilliant than this.

m.s.b.

on tuesday evening, we ended up driving through the marina. given that it was the night before the fourth of july it was essentially a friday, so the douche crew was out in full effect. this was especially true outside a mysterious establishment called M.S.B. we immediately understood that it was the Marina Sushi Bar, however, what if we were not so smart and intuitive? what if we were left to fill in the initialized blanks on our own? well, we decided to do just that and came up with the following list of possible names for the tentatively monikered M.S.B.

My Shitty Boyfriend
Mystery Syphilis Bumps

Massive Sutures Bleeding
Moist Sweaty Balls

Mangled Soiled Bologna

Mangina Smeared (with) Banana

Mongolian Sucky BBQ

Mucho Sucky Bitchface

My Sore Bagina

Monkies Stumpy Butthole

Man Soaked Baguette

anyone have anything else to add?

Happy 4th of July Hangover Day

If there's any of you out there that managed to NOT see fireworks last night, here's a quick recap. These are what I felt to be the highlights from last night's show, as seen from a rooftop in the East Village. I edited music over it so you can't hear all our beer-induced dorky comments like "dude - who invented that Saturn one?" (The Saturn fireworks are pretty damn cool though).

“How rude.”

It’s hard enough to watch your little childhood heroes grow up and get breasts. It’s even harder when they grow up to get fake boobs.



Oh Stephanie Tanner, what happened to that little girl I once loved? I know, I know, it can be annoying when your TV little sister(s), Michelle(s), are anorexic and getting all the attention. Between you and the misguided Oslen twins, “Full House” has become a regular little slut factory.

I blame Uncle Jesse.

I feel the desire burning through my body

This picture arrived in my email today. Must. Resist. Urge. To purchase. Keep the credit card in the pants, Audrey.

How does this company manage to make every new, inanimate product so incredibly sexy? I don’t just want to own an iPhone, I kind of want to hump it.

c.j.i.a.p.

i cannot argue.

i just moved and this statement welcomed me to my new neighborhood. i love graffiti.

mark my words

this trend is going to spread like wildfire

i hear ya, kid.

thanks sweet blumby!

Dutchtub

i often fantasize about how awesome it would be to have a hottub in my lil' backyard. perfect for relaxing, entertaining and trouble. today i stumbled upon the dutchtub, which i might consider purchasing if it wasn't 6k. maybe they include this scandinavian wood chopper in the price.



also looks like you can cook your kids in it when they're bad.

you're so beautiful, you could be a part-time model

I wasn't quite sure what Flight of the Conchords was when HBO was promoting it around the end of Sopranos. Nothing in my mind could take the place of my mob boyfriend Tony, but much to my dismay it has quickly become my new obsession (next to grannies dancing) and I encourage all of you to watch it.

According to their site, "Flight of the Conchords follows the trials and tribulations of a two man, digi-folk band from New Zealand as they try to make a name for themselves in their adopted home of New York City. The band is made up of Bret McKenzie on guitar and vocals, and Jemaine Clement on guitar and vocals."

I've included a video from the pilot episode that made me giggle. There are many-a-cameo by another hipster comic, Eugene Mirman who made a name for himself as the opening act to a Modest Mouse tour. Ahh, hipsters and comedy....the pairing is so sweet.

Editors note: the show is even better with herbal enhancement.

walk it out, gurl

I love this for many reasons, but mainly because it features hot old ladies in sweet 60s garb dancing it up. This is what I envision my golden years to look like. In some ways I wish my entire life could be choreographed. Alas, I just have to live out my fantasies by watching "So you think you can dance" over and over and over again on my DVR. Hope this brightens up your Monday.

'Duncan' the dog now a registered voter

Trying to prove how easy it is to dupe the voter registration system, a Washington woman successfully registered her dog. She even had him sign it with a paw print. It took a pretty long time before anyone caught on.
Here's an excerpt:

Sure enough, the registration card arrived in the mail for "Duncan McDonald." Balogh had managed to get a registration for her Australian shepherd-terrier mix, no questions asked. "He's an independent, just like his mother," she said of her dog. Duncan filled out his ballot in September and signed it with a paw print. He didn't actually vote, but Balogh mailed his ballot to King County Elections. At first, there were still no questions being asked. "Nothing. I thought, 'what is going on here? This can't be true. Someone has to show an interest,'" Balogh said. An elections worker did show an interest in the next election. She called with questions about the signature. "She said, 'you can't sign with a paw.' I said, 'you can if you're a dog.' There was a long hesitation. She said, 'it's a dog?' I said 'yes,'" Balogh said.

Admiring feelings of a graceful lady

Purchased this afternoon at a Brooklyn bodega:



Need a close up of that brilliant piece of copywriting?

Delish!

Anyone wanna meet me for a quick bite?

sippin' on gin and jamba juice

i've been a vegetarian for nine years and an alcoholic for even longer. and, while trying to make it through the disappointment that was "fur: an imaginary portrait of diane arbus," i formulated the most ingenious business venture for health conscious alcoholics (or maybe it's the alcohol talking). let's open a bar which serves bitchy frozen cocktails and gives patrons the option of adding supplement boosts.

for instance, right now, i would love a pina colada with a protein boost.

three word review: fur

pile of poo.

rockstar chefs: a mission in stalking

hi. this past weekend i went to aspen for the a food and wine festival. it was pretty much awesome. i am kind of a fan dork stalker by nature and in aspen, these instincts came out full force. you can see from the photos below that me and my camera felt right at home.

this is at a party on saturday night. that arrow is pointing to ilan hall who one the second season of bravo's top chef. he's wicked cute.

this is emeril signing some books with a lot of moms.

this is me and my friend amy. that guy behind us is the iron chef morimoto. he's about 3 feet tall and has shiny hair. this lady running the starbucks booth at the party took the picture for us.

this was taken from the audience at some auction i had to go to. that's bobby flay cooking some food and on the screen to the left is tom colichio who's the host on top chef. did you guys know how bro-y most chefs are? they also drink a lot, so i like them.

lastly and perhaps most importantly we have sam talbot, he got third place on the last season of top chef. he's this breed of guy who will make you want to hump air when strangers are around. he's tall and buff in an ok way and can wear a pink shirt without looking...um, uninterested in women. he also shaved his head and was free of offensive man jewelry. i had two very uncomfy encounters with him, but we managed to bond over his ex girlfriend with the same name is me. i can't imagine being one of those people who can make people strip on sight. how fun that would be. lucky sam.

Deal Breaker?

Please, someone tell me who the hell thought it would be a good idea to have Celine Dion as Hillary's campaign song?



(thanks newagey)

mcLovin' it!

i will be there on opening day. anything judd apatow does turns to solid gold! holla!

The best email from eBay ever.

You have the read the product and the seller to enjoy this long dispute I had with eBay. Luckily, I won and am therefore “released from any obligations to bikercrap6130.”

You may be wondering why I was thinking of purchasing “Nipple Pasties Patriotic Hands” in the first place. It’s for our upcoming Red Neck, White Trash, Blue Collar 4th of July barbecue that the roomies and I are planning. (Think of the Tacky Holiday Sweater party, but for summer). However, I opted to not buy the hand-shaped pasties, I decided that the stars are much classier.

word from the unwise

simple advice: don't run into an ex and then watch the bridge.



"Over the span of a year, director Eric Steel's cameras capture tormented souls attempting to commit suicide by leaping from San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge. Through poignant interviews with family, friends and eyewitnesses, the film reveals a common thread of depression, despair and chronic mental illness. This provocative documentary further reinforces the landmark's iconic legacy as the world's most popular suicide destination."

"Congratulations on not being sterile"

If you haven’t already sent all your friends, enemies and family members a greeting from someecards, it’s time to start. They’re perfect for every occasion...



Every situation…



And just every day statements about life…

Going bananas

Is there such a thing as eating too many bananas? Cause I'm on this "healthy snack" kick and I've gotten up to about three a day. Is that bad?

bombs over gay-dad

Pentagon Confirms It Sought To Build A 'Gay Bomb'

(CBS 5) BERKELEY A Berkeley watchdog organization that tracks military spending said it uncovered a strange U.S. military proposal to create a hormone bomb that could purportedly turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals and make them more interested in sex than fighting.Pentagon officials on Friday confirmed to CBS 5 that military leaders had considered, and then subsquently rejected, building the so-called "Gay Bomb." for more...

Happy Michael Tolliver Day!

For all you TALES OF THE CITY fans out there (and I hope there are some, because they're the best books ever). Gavin Newsom has declared today, June 12, "Michael Tolliver Day in San Francisco."

I’m not kidding. It's in honor of Armistead Maupin's new book, "Micheal Tolliver Lives." All the details are here in this article.

For those of you living in San Francisco, you can go see Armistead Maupin sign his new book today at the Ferry Building. Right now. If I were there, I would definitely go shake his hand. Go go go!

Get the door, it's the "Ankle Injuries" video

Need a little something to wake you up on a lazy Monday morning? Here’s the awesome “Ankle Injuries” video from Fujiya and Miyagi.

For all you New York kiddies, these guys are doing a free show July 6th at Southstreet Seaport. See you there.

sick of confusing the shema and the shehecheyanu? i sure am! fear for no further embarrassment. the say-a-blessing electronic keychain is here and you will all be recieving one for hannukah b/c i totally get a discount if i buy in bulk. it also comes with a handy led flashlight. perfect for blinding grandma on the high holidays.

(thanks matt!)

Power to the big furry dogs!

Yesterday after work, I decided to head over to Grand Central Station with my camera. Grand Central is a beautiful place and there’s something I love about it at rush hour – the crowds of people rushing back and forth, the maniacal energy. I don’t know, I just get a kick out of it.

I got some pretty cool footage yesterday, which I will soon edit into an iMovie, but check out this one shot I randomly picked up.



Yes, that is an innocent, giant Snoopy being harassed by the Grand Central Cops. I’m really glad I caught this clear case of discrimination on tape. It’s like the Rodney King video, only for big furry animals.

Maybe I need glasses?

I accidentally walked into the men's locker room at the gym today. My first thought was not, "Oh shit, wrong room." It was, "Damn, that woman's got some teeny titties."

Seriously, what is wrong with me?

bomarr tomorrow night @ laszlo!

our sweet pal bomarr will be djing tomorrow night @ laszlo so get your asses on over there.

conserving paper

this is a perfect example of what happens when my brother is left in charge of my 3 year old niece.

personal douche chills

ok, i have been kind of wanting to kill myself lately due to work and apartment hunting and other woes. that pow pow factor just went through the roof because i just gave myself the most insane douche chills. i've been conflicted lately after a recent hotel stay when i learned who criss angel is. i had heard of him and then i accidently saw his show. then i was like, i think i should think he's hot because he has dirty gross jack white hair and a diamond hand cuff necklace which i kind of want to own. but he's such a douche, it's painful. i was like, hot or not? so i found this picture and i think he's ok looking minus some serious shit storms in the outfit department.

i was looking for photos and then i found this. and now i am going to jump out the window because it's too painful.

the only positive is that his dong looks big. or maybe it's a cup. lskdfjalsdkfjl;adfj

Handsome Richard's Late Night Phosphate

check out these fellas' response to unibloggal's favorite ottoman rape video.
hilarious, i tell you.

Does size matter?

I'm not the hugest fan of Penn and Teller but this little video made my gloomy Tuesday morning filled with sunshine. At first I thought the woman in the middle of the segment (3:57) was annoying, but then she turned out to be my jam, and now I heart her.

Anyone uniblogettes want to offer their opinion so we can finally clear up the size controversy once and for all? I'll begin: size does matter, but not how men may think it does. If you were one inch, I'd probably look like this but if you were 12 inches I'd probably respond in this manner. To me its all about balance and being somewhere in the middle is A-OK in my book, if not preferred. Feel better? Probably not but I tried. Next...

Douchebag of the Week: Glo Fur

Okay, okay, so if you were to really do some background research on me you may figure out that I have donned some questionable club outfits back in the day. I was young, impressionable, and heavily medicated and we all make mistakes, so eff off. But this shit? This is too much. Seriously if you ever see anyone wearing glo fur (and I'd be willing to bet one of these morons will show up in our fair city) make sure you immediately approach said person and punch them in the face. I promise you'll feel fantastic and the world will be a better place.