Monday, April 02, 2007

gross abbrevs

not all abbreviations are created equal! in close consultation with the unibloggal family, i have compiled a list of abbreviations that should be banned from use in real conversation,* first amendment concerns aside.

the criteria:

(1) ICKINESS – the abbreviation makes a perfectly good word into something icky;

(2) LAZINESS – the abbreviation underscores the speaker’s sheer laziness to utter one or two more syllables; and/or

(3) WTF-NESS – the abbreviation makes no sense in that it does not remove the end of a longer word (apocopation), remove the beginning part of a word (aphaeresis), remove the middle part of a word (syncope), or fuse two or more words together (portmanteau).

illegal abbreviations:

PARM for parmesan, as in “I had chicken parm last night.” = (1) ick

GUAC for guacamole, as in “Can I have a side of guac with my parm?” = (1) ew

CAB for cabernet, as in “Call me a cab -- a cabernet that is.” = (2) you're a douche.

REZZY/RESIE for reservation, as in “I just got a rezzy at Supercuts.” = (1) ick; and (2) go that extra mile, make that -zee into a –zer, and add a –vation, thanks.

FRISCO for san francisco = (1) ew

NATCH for naturally, as in “Did I get laid? Natch!” = (1) and (2)

BRAH for brother or brotha or bro = (1) and (2)

SAMMIE for sandwich = (1), (2) and (3)

ABBREV for abbreviation = (2) abbreviating abbreviation?! no.

honorable mention:

POON for poontang ≠ (1) poontang (for some) is already a gross word, so the abbreviation merely highlights the original word’s ickiness.

FAN-TAB for fantabulous ≠ (1) fantabulous is illegal, so its abbreviation is as well.

* stephanie has created an exception for online communications.


laurin said...

i mean...genius.

erin is gross said...

rad! (which is also a good abbreviation)

New Agey No Friends said...

I'm pretty sure I've heard some uniblogals use "sammie" and I was like "OH HELL NO!" (OHN!)

billy said...

i wholly endorse OHN (IWE OHN)! but sammie is not okay.

j.kvr said...

no "i apprech" for "i appreciate." please no!

gary tijuana said...

I have to disagree--all the food ones (parm, guac, sammie, poon/tang) are actually completely acceptable.

C.W. said...

I'm standing by my anti-samminess. (OHN's all over the place)

comeoncolleen said...

well done, billy! you nailed this shiz (my cens'ed [censored] abrev for sh*t).

"sammie" is just sick. there should be a rule that if rachael ray uses it, no one else should.

erin is gross said...

COLLEEN, YOU INVENTED SAMMIE FOR ME. "egg sammie" was all you in 2003.

comeoncolleen said...


okay, in 2003 Rachael Ray didn't exist yet, so i'm free. once she blew up my scene, i took sammie back. i'm takin' em all back!