Monday, May 28, 2007

my anaconda don't want none

this weekend, over brunch, a boyfriend of a friend of a friend (BFOF) told me the most insane story i've heard in years. this story comes in waves of vom. with each wave, my jaw dropped further to the ground and my omelette rose further up.

WAVE ONE



* over six years ago, in a boston suburb, BFOF was given a two foot long baby python for christmas. call me a pussy, but this deserves the first wave of vom, because i think it is disgusting that anyone would receive, much less want, a python for christmas.

WAVE TWO



* over a relatively short period of time, the python, named E.T., grew to 18 feet in length and almost two feet in diameter. E.T. weighed over 100 pounds.

* E.T. had his own bedroom in the apartment in which BFOF and his friends lived. in his bedroom, E.T. had a kiddie pool which he filled up entirely.

* E.T. loved hair. if you had long hair, E.T. would crawl all up in it and gleefully bitchslap you with his nasty ass foot long tongue.

WAVE THREE



* BFOF fed E.T. live guinea pigs and rats and other nastiness. upon swallowing them whole and digesting them, E.T. would leave behind enormous WHITE turds. and yes, the fact that they're white makes it five hundred times grosser.

* the apartment began to take on the funk of E.T.

WAVE FOUR



* after a while, the cost of feeding E.T. became burdensome for BFOF and his roommates.... so they responded to an ad for free kittens!

* BFOF and his roommates fed E.T. one free kitten. however, they felt oh so guilty about it that they returned the remaining kittens.

WAVE FIVE (yes, wave five)



* one day, E.T. went missing. now, E.T. loved to hide in warm, dark places. ew. but BFOF was always able to find him. of course. that is, until this one occasion.

* days go by without BFOF or his roommates reporting that their 18-foot python had gone missing.

* around 2:00 in the morning, it was discovered that E.T. had gotten under the floorboards. how was this discovered, you ask?!!

* well, at 2:00 am, E.T. fell through the floorboards and landed on an elderly woman who was sleeping peacefully below!!

* the elderly woman, upon waking up to an 18-foot python falling from the sky and landing on her frail, elderly frame, called 911.

EPILOGUE



* the police arrived, but were too freaked out to go into the room with E.T.

* the police awakened BFOF who returned E.T. to the apartment. however, they were forced to donate E.T. to a zoo a couple days later.

* the elderly woman moved out of the apartment a week later.

4 comments:

laurin said...

that is seriously going to give me nightmares. disgusting!

erin is gross said...

fudge.

stephanie said...

oh my effin' god. i HATE snakes and the thought of this happening to me is sersly making me gag.

sentinelofdeath said...

all you guys, including whoever posted this story are pussy's..there is nothing gross about a snake. They are not slimey, they can't get flees, rabies, or other funk that even a dog can..and they don't have fur to trap bacteria. If i'm incorrect however, please, by all means tell me how I'm wrong, and explain to me the nasty part of a snake..other than the facts that they don't have legs, and they use their tongues to smell things...bet you can't come up with anything factual..or that even makes sense. but why not?..give it a go...