friday dating tip: ballz

with all of the talk about cisco adler's balls, i thought i would take this opportunity to make some suggestions that might lead to the world advancement of the self esteem of balls. these poor guys (i feel like they're totally gender specific) really get the shaft. haha. they have the WORST housing situation ever. stuck between two legs, unless kept sac free, always hidden. at the very least, they need a fan or some kind of moisture adjusting system to keep them happy and schmeg free. so, i'm naming today, national ball love day.

i really think we women and men who love men need to band together in order to praise these sometimes ignored jingley nuggets. there are a few things about the intelligently designed testical and scrotum worth recognizing. for example, have you ever noticed that when you blow on them, the skin moves around willy nilly? that's neat! they also have an internal elevator that knows when they are in hot tubs or chilly oceans. amazing!

away from features of design and onto scent. i was listening to sarah silverman on howard stern the other day and she mentioned that jimmy kimmel's balls smelled like bread. i have also heard from friends that their "output," shall we say, could be compared to sauteed mushrooms, crayons and possibly a little bit of chlorine. while we might prefer that this be not bread and the aforementioned nasal delights, but perhaps mangoes or butter rum life savers. however, marsala sauce would be nothing without sauteed mushrooms, childhoods would be pathetic without crayons and pools would be filthy without chlorine, so suck it up, ladies and gents. when life gives you fungi, make a delicious sauce.

lastly, grooming. as one friend reminded me, a shaved scrot can cause some weird chafing on all thighs and flesh that comes in contact. while hair might literally choke you up, do you want a rash instead? let's be honest.

so, i challenge each of you this weekend to find a pair of balls and coddle them with the depths of your being. they deserve it.