Thursday, February 15, 2007

Farmer Mom

I don’t usually double up on posts between unibloggal and my other blog, but this one’s just too good to pass up.

As you all know, Valentines’ Day can be hard for people who aren’t in a serious relationship. As can turning 30, when you see some of your friends getting married and having babies, and you don’t yet feel responsible enough to get a puppy. But all this is made easier for folks like me who have such a caring and supportive mother.

I get home the night of Valentines’ Day, after watching a 3-hour performance of people reading out old unrequited love poems, break up emails, and rejection letters (all of which were hilarious by the way), to find the following email from my mother:

Dear Audrey,

You're going to be thirty soon, a big deal. It sounds pretty young to me now but it didn't then. So I feel like I should give you a big present. But what?

Maybe we should harvest your eggs now and not wait till later. You still have some good years left, of course, but this way there's no pressure. Maybe you won't meet Mr. Right till you're forty, and you wouldn't have to worry about fertility at all. Maybe you're thinking I'm crazy; maybe I am.

Well, it's just a suggestion and I won't be offended if you don't want to do it. What else do you want? See's Candy?


HARVEST MY EGGS?!? Because I’m so old and dried up and disgusting that it will be TEN YEARS before a worthy man wants to father my children?

A note to mothers everywhere: this is NOT what your daughter wants to hear on Valentines’ Day, ten days before her thirtieth birthday.

At least mom caveats it with, “You still have some good years left, of course, but this way there's no pressure.” Which I read as: “You still have some good years left...” As in: You’re not completely done for yet, honey. Some desperate man out there might want to have sex with you before your ovaries shrivel up into useless little prunes.

What? You don’t want to undergo a painful surgical procedure to capture what little remains of your fertile youth? How about a nice box of See’s Candy instead? Yes, that’s clearly the next logical choice.

Oh Mom, while I’m completely appalled because I know you meant this is utter seriousness, I’ve also enjoyed many hours of laughter since receiving this email. Thanks, I love you.

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