... can you tie 'em in a knot? can you tie 'em in a bow?

dear cisco adler,

i would like to recommend that you take some of your trust fund and invest in a ball lift. although, by the looks of it you are actually storing all of your hard earned cash in your nuts, hence your struggling battle with gravity. in a flury of genuine concern and mostly mockery, we decided to consult unibloggal's favorite medical expert, dr. jarrett, about your sagging.

"well now. there are two competing medical theories here:
1) hot tub syndrome - the opposite of jumping in cold water...I have "heard from friends" that a few minutes in the tub can have such an effect.
2) his nuts are made of solid gold...making them much heavier than plain ole nuts.
Treatment options: nothing! why the hell would you want to get rid of such an impressive set of low hangers."

my own personal theory is a combination of the two previous mentioned with the additional "your girlfriend drags you around by your balls all day long". well in that case, she deserves the black eyes she inevitably receives when trying to find your dick amongst your giant testicles. all in all, my best advice is this: invest in a wheelbarrow and some protective eyewear for mischa.

your band is real sucky.

best of luck,
unibloggal

teen beat: air force two

since the weee age of nine years old i have been obsessed with the nba and it's plethora of insane looking men. this obsession started with michael jordan and is alive today with dewayne wade, kobe bryant and lebron james. for the most part, they have better bodies than most humans on the planet. all in all, they are well dressed and much younger than me, as i am now aged.

one sunday, the friend family was gathered on a favorite couch of ours when this gem (girl porn) popped up.

i mean, with the exception of tony parker (who is a massive douche brain) and steve nash (who is a great player, but looks like a baby dinosaur), this is a collection of eye sizzle deliciousness. i'm slightly obsessed. in addition to my other faves, we have paul pierce! jermaine oneal!

then, one of my favorite boys, sent me this behind the scenes piece of awesome. it shows juelz santana getting bangery on the tune:


BONERZ!

me: how fucking cute is this Great Pyrenees? can we get one?
Cate: cute, but i don't like white dogs that much

me: racist

Cate: dirt shows on them too much.
like a white jacket.
or white people.

dumb dumb

sometimes (often), i confuse some words which make me sound highly retarded in the course of some daily conversation. i have two examples of this for you here:

HYPERBOLE vs. PARABOLA
hyperbole: a deliberate exaggeration or overstatement
parabola: Set of points equally distant from a focus and a directrix.

on the "shut up you fucking baby" comedy cd by david cross, he talks about how president bush took a hyperbole pill when discussing terrorism post 9/11. at first i was very confused about why the big cheese would be taking pills that made him discuss 10th grade geometry. weird.

ANECDOTE vs. ANTIDOTE
anecdote: short account of an incident (especially a biographical one)
antidote: a remedy that stops or controls the effects of a poison

once when i tried to write a witty email to a bunch of coworkers i was telling a story, you know a giggley little anecdote, only i called it an antidote. like a flu shot. what a douche.

Chaiya Chiaya

I missed African Dance class this weekend, but made up for it with Masala Bhangra, Indian dance, last night. Yes, I’m soooo cultured. It was surprisingly fun, although my shoulders are killing me today.

I originally took Masala Bhangra it to impress my sister, who, after a recent business trip to Bangalor, is obsessed with India. She returned home with not one but two Indian boyfriends emailing her from Bangalor and asking her to marry them. She now calls me in the middle of the night asking for advice. “Ankor is always so sweet and romantic, but Nundik is just so much cuter.”

I don’t think she’s made a decision between the two yet, but she is planning on returning to India soon and got two “Learn to Speak Farsi” language tape series for Christmas. She is also obsessed with Indian movies. Her favorite video online right now is from a popular Bollywood film. I’m going to keep going to the Masala Bhangra dance class so I can soon look like the woman in this video. My sister will be so impressed.

For those of you that have not spent a lot of time in New York, this is pretty much what it's like to ride the subway to work every day. Well, on the nice days anyhow, when the conductor lets us dance on top of the train.

you made me gay, (insert band here), you made me gay

I know I'm a posting maniac today but I couldn't resist passing this little gem on. Seriously shit like this makes me want to give a big fat finger to Christians. Love God's Way Ministries has a list of bands that are "gay or propagating a gay message." According to the website, people can catch "gayness" through song. Duh. I mean the first time I heard "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones I realized I love women. Satisfaction....oral sex....vagina...come on now, the message is obvious.

The website states, "One of the most dangerous ways homosexuality invades family life is through popular music. Parents should keep careful watch over their children's listening habits, especially in this Internet Age of MP3 piracy."

Notable gay-loving offenders include: Metallica? Kansas? Ghostface Killah? Lil' Wayne? John Mayer? Ok, I'll give them that one. You can check out all the offenders here. Thankfully they have also provided a list of "safe bands," and while they may not be propagating a homosexual lifestyle many of them will make your ears bleed.

*Update* - Thanks to a loyal unibloggal reader I have recently been informed that the Love Gods Way website is a fake. In fact its a parody and quite a brilliant one I may add. You can learn all about the man behind the hoax here.

kids are brillant

Here's a four year old's response to Bush's SOTU speech. Genius!

confessions of a wannabe stripper

I'm official hooked. I have found my calling in life or at least my passion since 'calling' denotes I have a talent for pole dancing and that, my friends, is FAR from true. I still cannot get myself around the pole in any sort of fashion close to graceful, much less sexy. Mainly I just hold on for dear life and in three seconds find myself on the floor in pretzel formation.

The bruises I'm developing all over my legs I wear as battle scars. I keep adding new ones each week which provides a nice array of all different colors, shapes and sizes to grace my uber white "canvases," if you will. These battle scars are evidence that I will stop at nothing to officially execute one damn trick.

This class remains the funnest yet most humiliating hour of my week, but my hope is that eventually I will get it. I am convinced, even if it takes months, that I will finally have my A-HA moment and I will understand how to work with the pole instead of against it. For now, I'm going to watch this video and daydream that its me. I kind of look like Kate Moss, right?

wtf!

the plural form of youth is YOUTHS?!!



Main Entry: youth
Pronunciation: 'yüth
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural youths /'yü[th]z, 'yüths/
Usage: often attributiveEtymology: Middle English youthe, from Old English geoguth; akin to Old English geong young -- more at YOUNG
1 a : the time of life when one is young; especially : the period between childhood and maturity b : the early period of existence, growth, or development
2 a : a young person; especially : a young male between adolescence and maturity b : young persons or creatures -- usually plural in construction3 : the quality or state of being youthful : YOUTHFULNESS

Limit: 2 per week

and now i bring you the what the fuckiest news of the day:

Don't Eat The Squirrels

TRENTON, N.J. (AP) -- New Jersey is warning residents to limit their consumption of squirrels killed near a toxic waste dump.
Many residents of Ringwood are members of an Indian tribe who hunt and fish in the area.
A squirrel contaminated with lead was found there two months ago.
State officials sent out letters advising that adults who eat squirrels should eat no more than two a week. It should be even fewer for children and pregnant women.

and people from new jersey wonder why new yorkers want to have nothing to do with them. hmm...

today officially blows

see, today at 2pm i will have 2 (not 4) wisdom teeth ripped from my skull. i am not too much of a dentist wimp and i like pain pills, milk shakes and movies on the couch all day, so that isn't bumming me out too much. however, after working a 10 hour day yesterday with many meetings and spreadsheets, i went out to dinner with 20 coworkers to celebrate the middle of a long week. we ate and drank cocktails and wine and then beer over karaoke. at midnight i tore myself away because my bed was calling loudly to me through the radio in my metal fillings (jk, dudes). i got home and furiously chugged a little bit of water that i found in a bottle halfway down my bed. i woke up this morning to a pounding headache, a wine induced sugar buzz and the UNability to drink ANYTHING. that's right! no food or bevs for 8 hours before surgery. so, here i sit, back at my desk with a grumbling hungover belly. all that will satisfy me is some kind of egg, cheese and bread product mash up with ketchup on the side and a large coffee to wash it down, followed by a litre and a half of water. HOWEVER, i will sit here in dreaded agony until this afternoon when i am told to count backwards from ten. this blows.

Did somebody say...meat?

Slate recently ran an interesting article on what Americans are shoplifting these days. The answer, meat! Meatlifting has become a problem in markets across the country. And not cheapo chicken cutlets or drumsticks, but filet mignon, rib eyes and other expensive cuts.

Apparently, people are not meatlifting out of financial hardship, but as a reward. This makes sense. I've often said to myself, "Julie, you've worked really hard this week. You definitely deserve a rack of lamb. Please help yourself."
(Full Disclosure: In this case "rack of lamb" refers primarily to "vodka soda.")

The most prevalent meatlifters are "gainfully employed women between 35 and 54." These ladies peruse the shelves, filling their carts with essentials like milk and toilet paper before standing in line with the hordes of other shoppers. The only difference? Unbeknownst to everyone else, Felicia has a rib eye stuffed in her pocket.

I'm not yet in the meatlifting demographic, which probably explains why I haven't had the urge to loot a loin of pork. But ladies beware. I'm watching what you're putting into that $2000 Fendi bag -- lamb chops.

teen beat: award season is upon us!

for the next couple of months we will be bombarded with constant awards show buzz. if you're like me, you're already planning the in-home red carpet and specially designed ballots to be printed in time for your own oscar party. ok, maybe not, but still. today i will be providing you with some babe-o-thons related to what many film industry pundits are calling the greatest year in film so far this century. wow!

borat is kind of gross and while funny, i don't want to french him. however, sasha baron cohen is a full on sex pot. he's especially babe-o-rific in his suit. i also think his fiance is cuter than crap.

ryan gosling, previously mentioned in this weekly feature, was nominated for a best oscar nomination for his role in half nelson. i've yet to see this film, but he's a babe and if i had him as a teacher when i was young, i'd turn him into the male version of mary kay laterno.

and for next year's awards, i am hoping they will make a "best body" award at the oscars. if this is the case, i am hoping that my boy justin will be leading the pack. despite his sick inland empire tattoos and that pesky life sentence, i'm thinking he is the hottest person alive. and he was actually great in alphadog.

"My butt hurts."

I don’t know if anyone else finds this as funny as I do, but it’s been cracking me up all weekend. I finally just ordered the T-shirt. I also tried to order the guy in the T-shirt, but he was all out of stock.



Need a closer view?

No No No No No

According to Fashion Wire Daily, the latest look for men this fall is, (pause) leggings. How can this be? How will they comfortably situate their twig and berries as to not totally offend the masses? Very few women can successfully pull off leggings. I'm guessing even fewer men.

I have yet to accept the hordes of Brooklyn and Lower East Side gents strutting around right this moment in skinny jeans. Jeans about as skinny as the burning cigarette dangling off their bottom lip. (Shudder)
I never thought that style could evolve any further, but alas, I'm wrong.
"Leggings made of microfiber cotton and wool, shown in violet, forest green and Milan fog gray, all of them with stirrup straps, except of course for a couple of them cut above the knee, accompanied half the looks in this poetic, polished and unexpected collection," said FWD.

Stirrup straps! Above the knee! This would never happen in Pittsburgh. But I fear they will come to Brooklyn. I can't wait until the day some guy in a large winter coat shows up innocuous enough to a bar only to shed the coat and, GASP!, there he will be in all his glory. Violet stirrups and all.

Sweet Sweet Fatty

okay. i promise this is my last american idol post. i just think ya'll need to meet jonathan jayne aka "sweet fatty" as newagey and i lovingly refer to him. i don't know exactly what it is about him that makes my heart feel so swollen. his lisp? his song choice? his shirt? who knows. sometimes love just works in mysterious and unexplainable ways.

"Don’t Do That"

Baby Dayliner has a new song! Arguably, it’s not his best work. But still, beautiful Baby D. can do no wrong in my mind. Give it a listen.

Incidentally, this picture, on his myspace page, is from the show I attended over the summer at the Bowery Ballroom. See me in the bottom left? I’m the one with brown hair.

friday dating tip: totally cheating!

no, today's tip is not going to advise you on how to best annihilate the balls of or titty twist the hell out of a cheating male or female mate. in today's dating tip, i will show you how to cheat your way into being a uniblogger. you see, i have a job. i know, shocking! and as of late, i've actually been quite busy. so busy that i've had very little time to give a flying eff about you and your miserable lack of dating skills. so, this week, i'm actually stealing the thoughts of two of my female friends who apparently have NOTHING to do but IM each other all day. i cannot vouch for their skills, but i'm going to steal them anyway. here are ten things NOT to do on a first date, especially if you're a man. i mean, can you imagine?

1. cry
2. mention your therapist
3. spiral into a jealous rage at dinner and throw you drink in the waitresses face screaming "you whore" when she asks your date if he's all through with his/her food
4. wear a padded bra - don't set the expectations too high
5. don't bring him/her to a party at your friend's and point out everyone you've slept with there
6. tell him/her you shaved your legs just for this occasion
7. bring him/her to a madrone night. gotta work up to sloppiness.
8. discuss your IBS extensively when deciding what to order
9. have bad breath. don't drink a cup of coffee, eat a tuna fish sandwich, and smoke a cig
10. order dessert and then talk about how fat you are and how much you are going to have to work out the next day to burn the calories from dinner

THANKS, LADIES!

It's snowing!

It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing!



It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing!



It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing!



It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing!



Sorry, I'm from California.

best/worst/best again

You gotta have love for this one.