Oldies in the City

Based on my previous Sex in the City/Golden Girls comparison, I just had to post this. Especially considering all the debate around Carrie Bradshaw Vs. Bea Arthur. And, dude, how awesome is Mona from Who's the Boss as Miranda!

What do you look like?

New favorite game: do a search on Google for “(Your name) looks like.” Then look through the results, there are bound to be some gems. Here are my favorites for the Unibloggals…

Audrey looks like...

Audrey looks like she’s going to throw up.

Audrey looks like she's not too sure about this fat guy in red!

Stephanie looks like...

Stephanie looks like Jose Canseco.

Stephanie looks like she's been rode hard and put away wet.

Laurin looks like...

Laurin looks like a flower in a school play

Erin looks like...

Erin looks like harry potter on drugs.

Erin looks like a chorus dancer in a backwoods production of Chicago.

Julie looks like...

Julie looks like an oriental version of Bridget Fonda

Julie looks like a naughty librarian

dirty diana

i was walking from bart to work this morning when my eyes OOOOWWWWOOOGGAAAA'ed out of my head like on a cartoon. you see, michael jackson is on the cover of ebony magazine. i wasn't sure at first if it was him or latoya, but i was fairly certain it was the former since the person in question was wearing a weird lesbian suit and not a boustier. be sure to click here and go down to look at the other photos. what a freakazoid.

look at that amazing coif.

what not to douche

that's stacy london and clinton kelly who host tlc's "what not to wear." they're totally annoying and love the empire waist. they call it the umpeeeer seam which lays just under the bust and allows fabric to gently away from the body, hiding any unsightly tummy bumps. it's all very interesting.

Teeth

gentlemen, this would be a scenario where i would highly recommend a dental dam.
this shit is fucking hilarious. and horrifying.
wonder if you have to brush 'em.

film's website here

abc family, lol

last night, we were having a "sunday" which included brunch, light house cleaning in preparation for "monday," some quiet time with crosswords (they were both too hard) and some television. it's always interesting to me when i hand the remote over to "boyfriend," as his selections never include the thanksgiving-themed cooking shows on the food network or sex in the city. it's like a study in gender relations. while i was doing the dishes last night, boyfriend selected E.T. on the abc family channel. though it didn't last long, we made it through two excellent snippets from this great film of our youth. they were:

1. after ordering pizza, elliot's older brother calling him a "douche-bag"

2. after older brother makes fun of elliot for thinking he saw an alien, elliot calls him "penis breath."

i didn't know that steven spielberg or whomever wrote that movie had the same taste in name calling that i do. pretty rad.

It's like Halloween, but political

It's election day, or as I call it in San Francisco - the circus. The freaks don't come out at night in this fair city of ours, they come out in the ballad. I hope you're all heading to the polls today. Not so much because of the political expression, but because of the entertainment.

The other night I got to share in the joy and laughter of every other San Franciscan citizen in the year’s most comical publication: the official Voter Information Pamphlet.

When you have an entire proposition on the ballad devoted to the funding of the Golden Gate Park horse stables, I guess it’s not surprising that the mayoral candidates include a nudist, a sex-club owner, a florist named Chicken John and a taxicab driver named Grasshopper.

These are exact quotes from the official Voter Information Pamphlet. I swear, I am not making this stuff up:

Candidates for the Mayor of San Francisco:

GEORGE DAVIS
My occupation is Writer/Nudist Activist.

This is a One Issue campaign which is to Make Golden Gate Park Clothing Optional like the major urban parks in Europe. For other policy issues, a well known City Manager will be appointed.

Thoughts for today:
1. You are free to be nude!!! You are free to wear clothing. By California case law (In Re Smith 1972 and other court decisions), you have a freedom of choice.
2. Nude is not lewd.
3. With San Francisco's ranked three choices, voting for freedom of choice is as easy as one, two, three.

Give George Davis a ranked vote, preferably #1.

Yeah, nude is not lewd, people.

MICHAEL POWERS
My occupation is Nightclub Owner.

As a progressive I have owned and operated one of San Francisco's most unique and innovative nightclubs for 11 years. My creation of the Power Exchange adult sexual liberation experience shows my capacity to embrace every kind of alternative lifestyle and manage multiple environments housed in one totally law-abiding and successful business.

Why do all our politicians want to get us naked? I don’t know if you non-San Franciscans are familiar with the Power Exchange, but it’s San Francisco’s most infamous sex club where crazy deviant acts occur… I hear.

CHICKEN JOHN RINALDI

My occupation is Showman.

Hi, my name is Chicken John and I'm running for Mayor because I have a vision for the future of this city. I want a city that attracts artists, not one that chases them away; where innovation wins out over gentrification. In other words, a city that actually has a future, and not just a celebrated past.

And my favorite line:

C'mon, it'll be fun. Vote for me.

But the ridiculousness continues. My roommate's actually ridden in this guy's cab:

GRASSHOPPER ALEC KAPLAN

My occupation is Vegan Taxicab Driver.

Born – Moscow, Russia; English – third but only language.
Grasshopper: Vegan, Bay swimmer, owner Grasshopper Taxicab. Lifelong musician; guitarist, singer/songwriter. Compassionate, tolerant, supportive, loving. 13 years here residentially challenged.

Restore festival, carnival atmosphere; musicians, Artists, fun, love. Remember to smile, laugh, celebrate our wonderful existence, our fabulous planet; create / make Grassland model – beacon of mutual understanding, hope.

I’m still stuck on the "English – third but only language."

It could be worse, we could be Berkeley… the city that nominated an Ambassador of the Trees. The city that debates the use of the word “owners” for pets. And the city that actually voted a clown onto the school board. Literally a clown. A guy with big shoes, a round red nose and the ability to juggle rubber chickens.

I can’t believe I ever left the Bay Area. It’s just too fun here. C’mon, vote for me. It’ll be fun.

"I gained 4 inches!"

Apparently it’s bigger penis season in the world of spam. Following are subject lines from spam emails I got all in the last two days. These are exact quotes, I couldn’t make this shit up. I think they just try one approach after another to see what works.

We have the aspirational:

Enter the world of boundless sensual enjoyments with a new big penis

The poetic:

All sweet flowers succumb to big rod

The dirty:

The best juicy pussies are waiting to be drilled with your new big penis

The intellectual:

There's no need to enumerate all the advantages of the bigger penis

The endearing:

Does your Mr. Winkie need upgrading?

And the borderline offensive:

Beat her womb with your new big rod!

I then actually opened one of these emails (let’s face it, if there's one thing I need, it's a bigger penis) and I found a lovely poem inside. I couldn’t believe it. A spammer after my own heart:

"At last you've got a girl that's hot
You wanna screw her moistened twat.
She's so attractive, she's so nice!
But would your penile size suffice?
Not sure she will wish for more?
You need a thing she would adore!
But how to grow it long and thick?
Your only hope is MegaDik!
You'll get so wanted super-size
And see great pleasure in her eyes!
Your shaft will stuff her pink so deep,
Tonight you'll hardly fall asleep!
So try today this magic pill
And change your life at your own will!"

dance dance eatshitolution

be sure to watch til the end. this one's a laugher.

friday dating tip: bedding fine honeys

in order to really ensure that once you've landed a date, you're able to keep said date where you want them (in your bed), it's very important that you refine your nest so that it includes some aspects of undeniable comfort. here you see the five (yes, there are five of us now. hi, jules!) ladies of unibloggal in what appears to be a tableau of sleeping fantasy. this is a very important aspect of dating. for the most part, you boys out there need to listen up. here are a few ways in which you can technically improve the quality of your bed. if you follow these tips, the girls are more likely to not insist that you stay at their house where the bed is always cozy and clean.

step one: a good foundation. it doesn't always matter whether or not you've had your mattress since the fifth grade. it's just important that you actually have a mattress. that means no futons, rolled up sleeping bags placed upon some plywood (actually, i've slept on this configuration before, not as bad as you may think, but surely not ideal), no princess and the pea style piles of weird grandma bean bags. you get the picture. a mattress. here it's also important to consider your personal environs. tailor the frame or lack of a frame to your living situation. if you have roommates, consider the transportation of sound. nuff said? oh and size, in this case, it does matter. if you still have the extra long twin mattress that you stole from the dorm, you're fired. no girl wants to be reminded of horrific dorm sex.

step two: padding. i highly recommend some kind of pillow top and or egg crate. to avoid smothering your bed sharer, steer clear of those big puffy down mattresses that go upon your normal mattress. it's too much. a simple cozy layer between the mattress and the sheet is great.

step three: sheets. assuming everyone reading this is out of 5th grade, let's not have threadbare star wars sheets, shall we? these days, retailers such as target and ikea make it simple to have a cozy and up-to-date bed without breaking the bank. i swear. and it's always better if your sheets have seen a washing machine sometime since the clinton administration. i love the word administration.

step four: warmth. i have one word: DUVET. if you boys wonder why girls blankies are always more comfy than yours, it's because when we were in about junior high, our moms discovered the finer points of room decoration. when we're young, we constantly want to redecorate. it's madness. mothers everywhere soon realized that it's much cheaper just to by a new duvet and call it a day. duvets make an ordinary comforter somehow heavier and more heavenly. a must have.

step five: pillows. this step is slightly negotiable, however, it is important to have a separate pillow on which your significant other is able to rest her head, independently of yours. it's preferable that said pillow not have drool stains, food or any other particles of filth anywhere near it.

i think that about wraps it up. the lesson here is, treat your bed as you'd like to be treated. i take that back, boys can sleep anywhere. take pride in your nest and in return, the object(s) of your desire will be more likely to stick around. if you have a messy sleeping area, we'll assume you want us to go home, which might be the case. if so, well played. we didn't want to sleep with you either!! happy friday and happy "sleeping."

another reason i heart the howard stern show hard

they remind me of gems like this

my favorite love letter ever

Dear Denise,

You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go fuck yourself sad jobless pig.

You are an evil piece of shit. I can't wait to tell the world what a piece of shit you are. You don't get a fucking dime till this is resolved.

go cry to your bald mom, you fucking loser.

Love,

Charlie

wtfestival by erin

here are a few things that i'm thinking about right now. i had a shit storm of coffee this a.m. it was delicious, but i haven't eaten any food except for a rotten blueberry so i am a tweaker face.

first, the blue angels are flying around outside my building at work right now and i hate their guts. i know they are trained professionals but aren't we in a war right now? send those bitches over and show the iraqis what the fuck is up.

also, the howard stern show is the best thing ever. although there is this weird thing that happens when sarah silverman is smelling the balls of richard christy who never showers and poos his homer simpson boxers. if you LOL at your desk and someone says "what's so funny, what are you listening to?" and when you say "howard stern" people are like FUCK YOU YOU CHILD MOLESTING WOMAN HATER. eff you, v-neck sweater vest.

the dad from gossip girl is DILFy:

hung won top chef. i'm not into him. secondly, padma is a porno.

unibloggal petrelli

is this thing on?

i just have to share a massive throbber that has been distracting me from productivity since yesterday afternoon when dear laurin sent it my way. heroes may be wtf'ing so far this season, but wow. if they keep peter petrelli topless all season, i'll stay tuned. SHWINGGGGG.

One more Japan WTF

I'm back from Japan. Thank god. But here's a dandy little video to remind us all of how fucking weird that country is. It's a little something to help you learn helpful English phrases while burning those calories. And a reminder for the Japanese that America can be a very scary place.

krystle vs. alexis: redux

last night, a homo dream came true. dynasty was reincarnated in the form of the new cw teen drama, gossip girl, following america's next top model.



it centers on, check this out, serena van der woodsen (hahahahaha) who is essentially krystle carrington. she's young, beautiful and vulnerable as she re-enters the vicious world of privileged upper east side pubescents from which she mysteriously fled one year prior (to birth a bastard child, perhaps?). anyway, she has a troubled past, sure, but listen up.... she's giving, caring, and altruistic. how do we know? duh! she's blonde, and she remembers peoples' names.



enter serena van der woodsen's (hahahahaha) best friend, blair waldorf, who is essentially alexis colby carrington. there is a softer side to sears. blair has a bitch fashion designer mother who tells her that she'll never be as beautiful or as thin as she is right now. she was also hurt by serena's prompt departure. however, we know that she is straight-up evil. how? she's brunette, and she makes mean faces. a lot.

this show is trash. and it's pretty insulting to women, having them battle over men, trust funds and legacies. not to mention the fact that there were already two sexual assaults. but this shit is hot! and if dynasty is any indication, serena van der woodsen and blair waldorf are going to catfight in fountains, cause miscarriages, and call each other a bitch. repeatedly.

i'll miss the dynasty shoulder pads though.

Random Japan

Yes, I'm still here in this weird-ass country.

I'm actually starting to like it, it's a fascinating place - just so effing random. Here's a prime example. This is a photo of the top of the garbage bin in a public bathroom.



It's an egg. On a park bench. Reading a book about eggs, apparently. And the headline: "He was studying to be a great biochemist."

Can someone please explain to me what this means and why it's in the bathroom??

bel biv devoe. ha-ha ha-ha. now you know.

today i decided to google bel biv devoe. i was thinking about those 3 fine gentlemen i loved so much back in the early 90's and i just wanted to check in and see if they were up to anything these days. the following snippet from wikipedia should bring tears of both sadness and laughter to your eyes:

"Ronnie DeVoe is now a real estate agent in the Atlanta, Georgia area but still remains with New Edition. He is very passionate about nutrition, especially healthy eating, and is currently collaborating with the group Viking Pimps on their up-coming album."

Yaaaargh

Happy talk like a pirate day.

friday dating tip: remember me?

hi you guys. one former staple of this blog was the friday dating tip. i haven't been single for some time and other than movie nights and things like dinner at a restaurant, have done almost no (or literally no) "dating" for long enough to make me forget how to actually do it. however, several of my single friends are in the midst of trying to be single in san francisco. though it was named the best city in america in which to be single, i feel that many would disagree. i believe it's relatively easy to get drunk and french people or wink at people on the bus or whatever, but that could pretty much happen anywhere and doesn't really mean that you're doing any dating. you could do both of those things and still be single.

if you are single and are trying to be a dater, a few things come into play. one of them is internet stalking. it's a key part of trying to get to know someone better, whether they're someone you've yet to meet or someone you've met and just want to explore further without actually talking to them. with sites like google (have you heard of it?) and myspace (the most 12 yr old thing ever invented that's mainly utilized for adult hooking up aka networking), it's relatively easy to find out what people are like. are they single? do they like mariah carey? do their friends like to wish them happy st. patrick's day with a flashy leprechaun graphic? all important things to know about someone. if you've never met the person you want to date, it's also a good way to find out if you happen to know anyone in common who could introduce you and help the frenching/dating get underway.

the only problem about internet stalking is that it might make you nuts. like if you really like someone and you're digging around on their myspace page or on the interwebs, you might come across something that could be misconstrued. like this one time, i thought this boy i reeeally liked had a child and was a killer. i was sort of disheartened for while. but then i got to know that person better and realized i was very wrong, so sometimes the in person stalking is better, ya know?

More Japanese T-shirts

Back by popular demand, more Japanese T-shirts. These don't have quite the same impact of "Violation Hamburger." But they're fun in their own way.

Which smiled? Every smiled.



Worried about going deaf? Stop worrying.



I find this one strangely morbid.

thirsty tape worms?

i was just gchattering with a pal who sometimes lets me see him with no pants on. if you know what i mean. anyhoo, he was telling me that he's consumed much water today, as well as a cup of tea or two. despite being rather liquidy today, he has yet to pee since this morning. i am no web MD, so i was not sure how to diagnose this. my only contribution was that perhaps he might have a tape worm which only drinks water. does this exist?

best thing on earth

You know you're one of my top bros, bro, because you got my back. And I got yours. You're my bro. But you went above and beyond the other night, bromaldehyde. You really did. Saving me that seat at the Velvet Revolver show, even though all those other bros were trying to get up front, bro? So clutch.

You are truly a god among bros.

Just when I think you're as solid as a bro can get, you raise the very definition of brodom to new heights. You're like a brogle, soaring to the farthest reaches of the atbrosphere. Seriously. If it weren't for you and your extreme brobility to hook a bro up when it is most croosh, I'd have been stuck in some bitch-ass seat, cramped all in the corner with a bunch of bitch-asses, bro. But you stepped up. You brovercame all obstacles to help a bro out. This is the kind of shit that makes bros for life.

read more.

lil' bomarr

you guys have got to listen to our pal bomarr's super dope remix of lil' mama's lipgloss.
check it out!

i know what i'm getting julie for hanukkah

link
thanks gary tj!

Violation hamburger

Best thing about traveling through Japan so far: the English language T-shirts. It's a style I like to call "fit in as many cool American words whether or not they make sense." Least favorite thing, so effing expensive.

Here's a prime example:




In case you can't read that jumble it says: "Violation hamburger rhyme island hamburger it will make you crazy and being insanity." I was going to buy this shirt, but it was forty-eight dollars.

"big" smile's

just want to share these two blogs that have put a big smile on my face this afternoon. first we have the "blog" of "unnecessary" quotation marks


that sweet blog then lead me to Apostrophe Abuse which is full of great nerdy fun, too!

butt sweat

i go to the gym in what equates to pajamas. they're stretchy and black and usually smell (bad). last night after i went to the gym i pondered something. how come when i used to go sit there reading books while my mom worked out, did people wear things like this.

i'm just one of those people who prefers not to have things shoved up my butt while i'm doing other things. what i mean is, if you're going to shove something up your butt (i'm not saying i do), it's usually for that one purpose. like enemas, butt sex, colon doctor things, etc. not like, "i'm at the gym AND i want something up my but." it almost appears in this photo that it's a picture of a front. the front of a woman with either a very dark complexion or one who forgot to go to the waxer and opted for the ever popular legging underneath.

back to the point, why did people ever wear these to the gym?

skeletor petrelli

um, is someone manorexic? also, is hayden 45 years old? WTF did the cast do over the summer besides age drastically?

nugget of the week: ryan donowho

good god, get ready for a jizz fest. you may remember mr. donowho (that cannot be his real last name) from a little show many of us hold near and dear, the OC. ryan played johnny harper, the ill-fated surfer/babe/friend of marissa cooper. good lord i'm in love.

anyway, ryan is the lead in an upcoming indie film "the pacific and eddy" which was a winner at the sacramento, silverlake and lake county film festivals. from the trailer (below) it looks like the movie could probably be painful and pretentious, but i don't give a rat's ass. seeing ryan inhale cigarette smoke while contemplating life's little torments gives me a girl boner from here to new york city. speaking of which, a little known factoid about this nugget: he was discovered playing drums in an nyc subway. now i'm officially in love.

thanks shannon

early burn eclipses... uh... the eclipse.

dude. man. fuck. you guys... the man caught on fire early. it was like an accident. or um arson or something.
check it out.
i realize that burning man is like the pinnacle of spirituality for a shit ton of people but since i'm not one of them i'd like to give the arsonist a solid hi-fiver for making me laugh my ass off this afternoon.

(thanks grizz)
(photo from laughing squid)
(namaste)

Drill Squad says goodbye to NY

As my time in New York draws to a close, I’ve been going through all my stuff to throw it out or ship it back to California. As I sadly emptied my shelves over the weekend, I came across a pad with some little stick figures on it that made me smile.

I decided to take these little fellas out for old-time’s sake, give them a tour of Manhattan, and give ol' NYC a proper goodbye.

Drill Squad hangs out in Union Square.



Drill Squad visits the Chrysler building.



Drill Squad stops to say hello to the UN.



And last but not least, Drill Squad joins the tourists in Times Square.

Gettin' hungry?

If only I could write ads like this one. I am SO going to this place if I'm ever in Oklahoma.

Get into the spirit...

... of boners.



You'll all be very excited to know that you can now make your OWN remix of the Viva Viagra song. Have fun!

While working on the Viagra account, they never once let me include the word "boners." Seems like a real lost opportunity there.

chuckletown

My two favorite Steves, Carrell and Colbert, make me smile and feel all warm inside. Is that because I'm nauseated or in love? I vote to give them permanent nugget of the week status.

Arm Spirit Recall

this article is seriously cracking me up. looks like several japanese men have suffered broken arms from arm spirit, a new arm wrestling arcade game.
"The machine isn't that strong, much less so than a muscular man. Even women should be able to beat it," said a company spokesperson.
i really hope it's the french maid breaking all of those arms.

vh1 is aces

so i have cable now. i am kind of obsessed with vh1. first of all, it's hilarious and trainwrecky. secondly, the men on all of the shows i love are so douchey but awesomely amazing. there are several shows worth pointing out.

first of all, rock of love, starring bret michaels. since the days of "look what the cat dragged in" he's become way more hillbilly and also plastic in the face. he frenches hookers and porn stares while trying to find love and also paaaaaaaaaaaartying. they have shows called "show me your hits" and "riff it good." despite her pink porcupine hair, i'm rooting for jessica.

then we have the pick up artist. this dude mystery and his wing men matador and j-dawg try to teach nerdy virgins how to score in bars in austin. i mean...it's tough because on one hand you're like "homie, you are uncomfortable." but then on the other you're like "how on fugging earth are you taking advice from a dude with amelia earhart goggles on his head and a janet jackson choker around his neck." he offers up gambits and negs in order to help them open sets. your guess is as good as mine. but it's great.

then they have rock life which is like idiot porn or something. like if you had a douche fettish. it's all these rich fucking a-holes running around LA with no shirt on being fuck heads. it is entirely awful but i keep watching it. and cisco adler, roy orbison's kid and some fuckin nerd with halloween hair make up whitestarr, the worst band ever. they're like if the black crowes died and the maggots who ate them formed a band.

beyond these, there is man band and that scott baio show, which i've never seen, but i'm sure they're both awesers.

Douchebag of the Week: C.T. Martin

+

=

Under a newly proposed amendment by an Atlanta city councilman, C.T. Martin, baggy pants that show boxer shorts or thongs would be illegal under the city's indecency laws.

According to an AP report "the amendment states that sagging pants are an "epidemic" that is becoming a "major concern" around the country.

"Little children see it and want to adopt it, thinking it's the in thing," Martin said Wednesday. "I don't want young people thinking that half-dressing is the way to go. I want them to think about their future."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. good luck with that one. you know the ACLU is all up in the shit. the dirty south better rise up an protest. thongs and boxes for everyone!

douchey halloween

i think i finally found a halloween costume i can live with. part office dork, part TOTALLY PUNK. anyone wanna guess who this is supposed to be?

i don't have balls

apparently some dogs get neutered. that means their nuts get chopped off. in order for dogs not to feel less manly (dogly?), they sometimes stick into their empty scrotums these things called neuticals. i was in search of some more information aka funny pictures when i came across these:

i guess this is a neutical. it kind of looks more like a albino embryo, but i perhaps i'm wrong. i also found this photo which leads me to believe that not only can dogs feel less manly, but they can also feel sad when in the hospital. nothing can cure that sadness other than a weird e.t. doll who looks more like a penis than anything else.

and this makes me think about how weird people are. i guess it's commonly assumed that dogs are for boys and cats are for girls. that's a generalization, but i can't even imagine feeling the need to put plastic jellybeans in my cat's nutsack. would any girl ever do that? i guess boys would be sad if their balls got got so they feel bad chopping off their dogs' nards. so weird.

this song should open every movie

i absolutely love aqua teen hunger force and this song is the perfect embodiment of all that is great about that show. random but genius.

i have tropical depression

i'm supposed to go to puerto rico this weekend. should i pack sunscreen or four-by-fours?

presents for your mouth hole

i realized today why this is my favorite candy:

it's because it tastes like this:

and unlike jagermeister, you can enjoy it at work.