"I gained 4 inches!"

Apparently it’s bigger penis season in the world of spam. Following are subject lines from spam emails I got all in the last two days. These are exact quotes, I couldn’t make this shit up. I think they just try one approach after another to see what works.

We have the aspirational:

Enter the world of boundless sensual enjoyments with a new big penis

The poetic:

All sweet flowers succumb to big rod

The dirty:

The best juicy pussies are waiting to be drilled with your new big penis

The intellectual:

There's no need to enumerate all the advantages of the bigger penis

The endearing:

Does your Mr. Winkie need upgrading?

And the borderline offensive:

Beat her womb with your new big rod!

I then actually opened one of these emails (let’s face it, if there's one thing I need, it's a bigger penis) and I found a lovely poem inside. I couldn’t believe it. A spammer after my own heart:

"At last you've got a girl that's hot
You wanna screw her moistened twat.
She's so attractive, she's so nice!
But would your penile size suffice?
Not sure she will wish for more?
You need a thing she would adore!
But how to grow it long and thick?
Your only hope is MegaDik!
You'll get so wanted super-size
And see great pleasure in her eyes!
Your shaft will stuff her pink so deep,
Tonight you'll hardly fall asleep!
So try today this magic pill
And change your life at your own will!"

dance dance eatshitolution

be sure to watch til the end. this one's a laugher.

friday dating tip: bedding fine honeys

in order to really ensure that once you've landed a date, you're able to keep said date where you want them (in your bed), it's very important that you refine your nest so that it includes some aspects of undeniable comfort. here you see the five (yes, there are five of us now. hi, jules!) ladies of unibloggal in what appears to be a tableau of sleeping fantasy. this is a very important aspect of dating. for the most part, you boys out there need to listen up. here are a few ways in which you can technically improve the quality of your bed. if you follow these tips, the girls are more likely to not insist that you stay at their house where the bed is always cozy and clean.

step one: a good foundation. it doesn't always matter whether or not you've had your mattress since the fifth grade. it's just important that you actually have a mattress. that means no futons, rolled up sleeping bags placed upon some plywood (actually, i've slept on this configuration before, not as bad as you may think, but surely not ideal), no princess and the pea style piles of weird grandma bean bags. you get the picture. a mattress. here it's also important to consider your personal environs. tailor the frame or lack of a frame to your living situation. if you have roommates, consider the transportation of sound. nuff said? oh and size, in this case, it does matter. if you still have the extra long twin mattress that you stole from the dorm, you're fired. no girl wants to be reminded of horrific dorm sex.

step two: padding. i highly recommend some kind of pillow top and or egg crate. to avoid smothering your bed sharer, steer clear of those big puffy down mattresses that go upon your normal mattress. it's too much. a simple cozy layer between the mattress and the sheet is great.

step three: sheets. assuming everyone reading this is out of 5th grade, let's not have threadbare star wars sheets, shall we? these days, retailers such as target and ikea make it simple to have a cozy and up-to-date bed without breaking the bank. i swear. and it's always better if your sheets have seen a washing machine sometime since the clinton administration. i love the word administration.

step four: warmth. i have one word: DUVET. if you boys wonder why girls blankies are always more comfy than yours, it's because when we were in about junior high, our moms discovered the finer points of room decoration. when we're young, we constantly want to redecorate. it's madness. mothers everywhere soon realized that it's much cheaper just to by a new duvet and call it a day. duvets make an ordinary comforter somehow heavier and more heavenly. a must have.

step five: pillows. this step is slightly negotiable, however, it is important to have a separate pillow on which your significant other is able to rest her head, independently of yours. it's preferable that said pillow not have drool stains, food or any other particles of filth anywhere near it.

i think that about wraps it up. the lesson here is, treat your bed as you'd like to be treated. i take that back, boys can sleep anywhere. take pride in your nest and in return, the object(s) of your desire will be more likely to stick around. if you have a messy sleeping area, we'll assume you want us to go home, which might be the case. if so, well played. we didn't want to sleep with you either!! happy friday and happy "sleeping."

another reason i heart the howard stern show hard

they remind me of gems like this

my favorite love letter ever

Dear Denise,

You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go fuck yourself sad jobless pig.

You are an evil piece of shit. I can't wait to tell the world what a piece of shit you are. You don't get a fucking dime till this is resolved.

go cry to your bald mom, you fucking loser.

Love,

Charlie

wtfestival by erin

here are a few things that i'm thinking about right now. i had a shit storm of coffee this a.m. it was delicious, but i haven't eaten any food except for a rotten blueberry so i am a tweaker face.

first, the blue angels are flying around outside my building at work right now and i hate their guts. i know they are trained professionals but aren't we in a war right now? send those bitches over and show the iraqis what the fuck is up.

also, the howard stern show is the best thing ever. although there is this weird thing that happens when sarah silverman is smelling the balls of richard christy who never showers and poos his homer simpson boxers. if you LOL at your desk and someone says "what's so funny, what are you listening to?" and when you say "howard stern" people are like FUCK YOU YOU CHILD MOLESTING WOMAN HATER. eff you, v-neck sweater vest.

the dad from gossip girl is DILFy:

hung won top chef. i'm not into him. secondly, padma is a porno.

unibloggal petrelli

is this thing on?

i just have to share a massive throbber that has been distracting me from productivity since yesterday afternoon when dear laurin sent it my way. heroes may be wtf'ing so far this season, but wow. if they keep peter petrelli topless all season, i'll stay tuned. SHWINGGGGG.

One more Japan WTF

I'm back from Japan. Thank god. But here's a dandy little video to remind us all of how fucking weird that country is. It's a little something to help you learn helpful English phrases while burning those calories. And a reminder for the Japanese that America can be a very scary place.

krystle vs. alexis: redux

last night, a homo dream came true. dynasty was reincarnated in the form of the new cw teen drama, gossip girl, following america's next top model.



it centers on, check this out, serena van der woodsen (hahahahaha) who is essentially krystle carrington. she's young, beautiful and vulnerable as she re-enters the vicious world of privileged upper east side pubescents from which she mysteriously fled one year prior (to birth a bastard child, perhaps?). anyway, she has a troubled past, sure, but listen up.... she's giving, caring, and altruistic. how do we know? duh! she's blonde, and she remembers peoples' names.



enter serena van der woodsen's (hahahahaha) best friend, blair waldorf, who is essentially alexis colby carrington. there is a softer side to sears. blair has a bitch fashion designer mother who tells her that she'll never be as beautiful or as thin as she is right now. she was also hurt by serena's prompt departure. however, we know that she is straight-up evil. how? she's brunette, and she makes mean faces. a lot.

this show is trash. and it's pretty insulting to women, having them battle over men, trust funds and legacies. not to mention the fact that there were already two sexual assaults. but this shit is hot! and if dynasty is any indication, serena van der woodsen and blair waldorf are going to catfight in fountains, cause miscarriages, and call each other a bitch. repeatedly.

i'll miss the dynasty shoulder pads though.

Random Japan

Yes, I'm still here in this weird-ass country.

I'm actually starting to like it, it's a fascinating place - just so effing random. Here's a prime example. This is a photo of the top of the garbage bin in a public bathroom.



It's an egg. On a park bench. Reading a book about eggs, apparently. And the headline: "He was studying to be a great biochemist."

Can someone please explain to me what this means and why it's in the bathroom??

bel biv devoe. ha-ha ha-ha. now you know.

today i decided to google bel biv devoe. i was thinking about those 3 fine gentlemen i loved so much back in the early 90's and i just wanted to check in and see if they were up to anything these days. the following snippet from wikipedia should bring tears of both sadness and laughter to your eyes:

"Ronnie DeVoe is now a real estate agent in the Atlanta, Georgia area but still remains with New Edition. He is very passionate about nutrition, especially healthy eating, and is currently collaborating with the group Viking Pimps on their up-coming album."

Yaaaargh

Happy talk like a pirate day.

friday dating tip: remember me?

hi you guys. one former staple of this blog was the friday dating tip. i haven't been single for some time and other than movie nights and things like dinner at a restaurant, have done almost no (or literally no) "dating" for long enough to make me forget how to actually do it. however, several of my single friends are in the midst of trying to be single in san francisco. though it was named the best city in america in which to be single, i feel that many would disagree. i believe it's relatively easy to get drunk and french people or wink at people on the bus or whatever, but that could pretty much happen anywhere and doesn't really mean that you're doing any dating. you could do both of those things and still be single.

if you are single and are trying to be a dater, a few things come into play. one of them is internet stalking. it's a key part of trying to get to know someone better, whether they're someone you've yet to meet or someone you've met and just want to explore further without actually talking to them. with sites like google (have you heard of it?) and myspace (the most 12 yr old thing ever invented that's mainly utilized for adult hooking up aka networking), it's relatively easy to find out what people are like. are they single? do they like mariah carey? do their friends like to wish them happy st. patrick's day with a flashy leprechaun graphic? all important things to know about someone. if you've never met the person you want to date, it's also a good way to find out if you happen to know anyone in common who could introduce you and help the frenching/dating get underway.

the only problem about internet stalking is that it might make you nuts. like if you really like someone and you're digging around on their myspace page or on the interwebs, you might come across something that could be misconstrued. like this one time, i thought this boy i reeeally liked had a child and was a killer. i was sort of disheartened for while. but then i got to know that person better and realized i was very wrong, so sometimes the in person stalking is better, ya know?

More Japanese T-shirts

Back by popular demand, more Japanese T-shirts. These don't have quite the same impact of "Violation Hamburger." But they're fun in their own way.

Which smiled? Every smiled.



Worried about going deaf? Stop worrying.



I find this one strangely morbid.

thirsty tape worms?

i was just gchattering with a pal who sometimes lets me see him with no pants on. if you know what i mean. anyhoo, he was telling me that he's consumed much water today, as well as a cup of tea or two. despite being rather liquidy today, he has yet to pee since this morning. i am no web MD, so i was not sure how to diagnose this. my only contribution was that perhaps he might have a tape worm which only drinks water. does this exist?

best thing on earth

You know you're one of my top bros, bro, because you got my back. And I got yours. You're my bro. But you went above and beyond the other night, bromaldehyde. You really did. Saving me that seat at the Velvet Revolver show, even though all those other bros were trying to get up front, bro? So clutch.

You are truly a god among bros.

Just when I think you're as solid as a bro can get, you raise the very definition of brodom to new heights. You're like a brogle, soaring to the farthest reaches of the atbrosphere. Seriously. If it weren't for you and your extreme brobility to hook a bro up when it is most croosh, I'd have been stuck in some bitch-ass seat, cramped all in the corner with a bunch of bitch-asses, bro. But you stepped up. You brovercame all obstacles to help a bro out. This is the kind of shit that makes bros for life.

read more.

lil' bomarr

you guys have got to listen to our pal bomarr's super dope remix of lil' mama's lipgloss.
check it out!

i know what i'm getting julie for hanukkah

link
thanks gary tj!

Violation hamburger

Best thing about traveling through Japan so far: the English language T-shirts. It's a style I like to call "fit in as many cool American words whether or not they make sense." Least favorite thing, so effing expensive.

Here's a prime example:




In case you can't read that jumble it says: "Violation hamburger rhyme island hamburger it will make you crazy and being insanity." I was going to buy this shirt, but it was forty-eight dollars.

"big" smile's

just want to share these two blogs that have put a big smile on my face this afternoon. first we have the "blog" of "unnecessary" quotation marks


that sweet blog then lead me to Apostrophe Abuse which is full of great nerdy fun, too!