dirty diana

i was walking from bart to work this morning when my eyes OOOOWWWWOOOGGAAAA'ed out of my head like on a cartoon. you see, michael jackson is on the cover of ebony magazine. i wasn't sure at first if it was him or latoya, but i was fairly certain it was the former since the person in question was wearing a weird lesbian suit and not a boustier. be sure to click here and go down to look at the other photos. what a freakazoid.

look at that amazing coif.

what not to douche

that's stacy london and clinton kelly who host tlc's "what not to wear." they're totally annoying and love the empire waist. they call it the umpeeeer seam which lays just under the bust and allows fabric to gently away from the body, hiding any unsightly tummy bumps. it's all very interesting.

Teeth

gentlemen, this would be a scenario where i would highly recommend a dental dam.
this shit is fucking hilarious. and horrifying.
wonder if you have to brush 'em.

film's website here

abc family, lol

last night, we were having a "sunday" which included brunch, light house cleaning in preparation for "monday," some quiet time with crosswords (they were both too hard) and some television. it's always interesting to me when i hand the remote over to "boyfriend," as his selections never include the thanksgiving-themed cooking shows on the food network or sex in the city. it's like a study in gender relations. while i was doing the dishes last night, boyfriend selected E.T. on the abc family channel. though it didn't last long, we made it through two excellent snippets from this great film of our youth. they were:

1. after ordering pizza, elliot's older brother calling him a "douche-bag"

2. after older brother makes fun of elliot for thinking he saw an alien, elliot calls him "penis breath."

i didn't know that steven spielberg or whomever wrote that movie had the same taste in name calling that i do. pretty rad.

It's like Halloween, but political

It's election day, or as I call it in San Francisco - the circus. The freaks don't come out at night in this fair city of ours, they come out in the ballad. I hope you're all heading to the polls today. Not so much because of the political expression, but because of the entertainment.

The other night I got to share in the joy and laughter of every other San Franciscan citizen in the year’s most comical publication: the official Voter Information Pamphlet.

When you have an entire proposition on the ballad devoted to the funding of the Golden Gate Park horse stables, I guess it’s not surprising that the mayoral candidates include a nudist, a sex-club owner, a florist named Chicken John and a taxicab driver named Grasshopper.

These are exact quotes from the official Voter Information Pamphlet. I swear, I am not making this stuff up:

Candidates for the Mayor of San Francisco:

GEORGE DAVIS
My occupation is Writer/Nudist Activist.

This is a One Issue campaign which is to Make Golden Gate Park Clothing Optional like the major urban parks in Europe. For other policy issues, a well known City Manager will be appointed.

Thoughts for today:
1. You are free to be nude!!! You are free to wear clothing. By California case law (In Re Smith 1972 and other court decisions), you have a freedom of choice.
2. Nude is not lewd.
3. With San Francisco's ranked three choices, voting for freedom of choice is as easy as one, two, three.

Give George Davis a ranked vote, preferably #1.

Yeah, nude is not lewd, people.

MICHAEL POWERS
My occupation is Nightclub Owner.

As a progressive I have owned and operated one of San Francisco's most unique and innovative nightclubs for 11 years. My creation of the Power Exchange adult sexual liberation experience shows my capacity to embrace every kind of alternative lifestyle and manage multiple environments housed in one totally law-abiding and successful business.

Why do all our politicians want to get us naked? I don’t know if you non-San Franciscans are familiar with the Power Exchange, but it’s San Francisco’s most infamous sex club where crazy deviant acts occur… I hear.

CHICKEN JOHN RINALDI

My occupation is Showman.

Hi, my name is Chicken John and I'm running for Mayor because I have a vision for the future of this city. I want a city that attracts artists, not one that chases them away; where innovation wins out over gentrification. In other words, a city that actually has a future, and not just a celebrated past.

And my favorite line:

C'mon, it'll be fun. Vote for me.

But the ridiculousness continues. My roommate's actually ridden in this guy's cab:

GRASSHOPPER ALEC KAPLAN

My occupation is Vegan Taxicab Driver.

Born – Moscow, Russia; English – third but only language.
Grasshopper: Vegan, Bay swimmer, owner Grasshopper Taxicab. Lifelong musician; guitarist, singer/songwriter. Compassionate, tolerant, supportive, loving. 13 years here residentially challenged.

Restore festival, carnival atmosphere; musicians, Artists, fun, love. Remember to smile, laugh, celebrate our wonderful existence, our fabulous planet; create / make Grassland model – beacon of mutual understanding, hope.

I’m still stuck on the "English – third but only language."

It could be worse, we could be Berkeley… the city that nominated an Ambassador of the Trees. The city that debates the use of the word “owners” for pets. And the city that actually voted a clown onto the school board. Literally a clown. A guy with big shoes, a round red nose and the ability to juggle rubber chickens.

I can’t believe I ever left the Bay Area. It’s just too fun here. C’mon, vote for me. It’ll be fun.

"I gained 4 inches!"

Apparently it’s bigger penis season in the world of spam. Following are subject lines from spam emails I got all in the last two days. These are exact quotes, I couldn’t make this shit up. I think they just try one approach after another to see what works.

We have the aspirational:

Enter the world of boundless sensual enjoyments with a new big penis

The poetic:

All sweet flowers succumb to big rod

The dirty:

The best juicy pussies are waiting to be drilled with your new big penis

The intellectual:

There's no need to enumerate all the advantages of the bigger penis

The endearing:

Does your Mr. Winkie need upgrading?

And the borderline offensive:

Beat her womb with your new big rod!

I then actually opened one of these emails (let’s face it, if there's one thing I need, it's a bigger penis) and I found a lovely poem inside. I couldn’t believe it. A spammer after my own heart:

"At last you've got a girl that's hot
You wanna screw her moistened twat.
She's so attractive, she's so nice!
But would your penile size suffice?
Not sure she will wish for more?
You need a thing she would adore!
But how to grow it long and thick?
Your only hope is MegaDik!
You'll get so wanted super-size
And see great pleasure in her eyes!
Your shaft will stuff her pink so deep,
Tonight you'll hardly fall asleep!
So try today this magic pill
And change your life at your own will!"

dance dance eatshitolution

be sure to watch til the end. this one's a laugher.