three word review: fur

pile of poo.

rockstar chefs: a mission in stalking

hi. this past weekend i went to aspen for the a food and wine festival. it was pretty much awesome. i am kind of a fan dork stalker by nature and in aspen, these instincts came out full force. you can see from the photos below that me and my camera felt right at home.

this is at a party on saturday night. that arrow is pointing to ilan hall who one the second season of bravo's top chef. he's wicked cute.

this is emeril signing some books with a lot of moms.

this is me and my friend amy. that guy behind us is the iron chef morimoto. he's about 3 feet tall and has shiny hair. this lady running the starbucks booth at the party took the picture for us.

this was taken from the audience at some auction i had to go to. that's bobby flay cooking some food and on the screen to the left is tom colichio who's the host on top chef. did you guys know how bro-y most chefs are? they also drink a lot, so i like them.

lastly and perhaps most importantly we have sam talbot, he got third place on the last season of top chef. he's this breed of guy who will make you want to hump air when strangers are around. he's tall and buff in an ok way and can wear a pink shirt without looking...um, uninterested in women. he also shaved his head and was free of offensive man jewelry. i had two very uncomfy encounters with him, but we managed to bond over his ex girlfriend with the same name is me. i can't imagine being one of those people who can make people strip on sight. how fun that would be. lucky sam.

Deal Breaker?

Please, someone tell me who the hell thought it would be a good idea to have Celine Dion as Hillary's campaign song?



(thanks newagey)

mcLovin' it!

i will be there on opening day. anything judd apatow does turns to solid gold! holla!

The best email from eBay ever.

You have the read the product and the seller to enjoy this long dispute I had with eBay. Luckily, I won and am therefore “released from any obligations to bikercrap6130.”

You may be wondering why I was thinking of purchasing “Nipple Pasties Patriotic Hands” in the first place. It’s for our upcoming Red Neck, White Trash, Blue Collar 4th of July barbecue that the roomies and I are planning. (Think of the Tacky Holiday Sweater party, but for summer). However, I opted to not buy the hand-shaped pasties, I decided that the stars are much classier.

word from the unwise

simple advice: don't run into an ex and then watch the bridge.



"Over the span of a year, director Eric Steel's cameras capture tormented souls attempting to commit suicide by leaping from San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge. Through poignant interviews with family, friends and eyewitnesses, the film reveals a common thread of depression, despair and chronic mental illness. This provocative documentary further reinforces the landmark's iconic legacy as the world's most popular suicide destination."

"Congratulations on not being sterile"

If you haven’t already sent all your friends, enemies and family members a greeting from someecards, it’s time to start. They’re perfect for every occasion...



Every situation…



And just every day statements about life…

Going bananas

Is there such a thing as eating too many bananas? Cause I'm on this "healthy snack" kick and I've gotten up to about three a day. Is that bad?

bombs over gay-dad

Pentagon Confirms It Sought To Build A 'Gay Bomb'

(CBS 5) BERKELEY A Berkeley watchdog organization that tracks military spending said it uncovered a strange U.S. military proposal to create a hormone bomb that could purportedly turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals and make them more interested in sex than fighting.Pentagon officials on Friday confirmed to CBS 5 that military leaders had considered, and then subsquently rejected, building the so-called "Gay Bomb." for more...

Happy Michael Tolliver Day!

For all you TALES OF THE CITY fans out there (and I hope there are some, because they're the best books ever). Gavin Newsom has declared today, June 12, "Michael Tolliver Day in San Francisco."

I’m not kidding. It's in honor of Armistead Maupin's new book, "Micheal Tolliver Lives." All the details are here in this article.

For those of you living in San Francisco, you can go see Armistead Maupin sign his new book today at the Ferry Building. Right now. If I were there, I would definitely go shake his hand. Go go go!

Get the door, it's the "Ankle Injuries" video

Need a little something to wake you up on a lazy Monday morning? Here’s the awesome “Ankle Injuries” video from Fujiya and Miyagi.

For all you New York kiddies, these guys are doing a free show July 6th at Southstreet Seaport. See you there.

sick of confusing the shema and the shehecheyanu? i sure am! fear for no further embarrassment. the say-a-blessing electronic keychain is here and you will all be recieving one for hannukah b/c i totally get a discount if i buy in bulk. it also comes with a handy led flashlight. perfect for blinding grandma on the high holidays.

(thanks matt!)

Power to the big furry dogs!

Yesterday after work, I decided to head over to Grand Central Station with my camera. Grand Central is a beautiful place and there’s something I love about it at rush hour – the crowds of people rushing back and forth, the maniacal energy. I don’t know, I just get a kick out of it.

I got some pretty cool footage yesterday, which I will soon edit into an iMovie, but check out this one shot I randomly picked up.



Yes, that is an innocent, giant Snoopy being harassed by the Grand Central Cops. I’m really glad I caught this clear case of discrimination on tape. It’s like the Rodney King video, only for big furry animals.

Maybe I need glasses?

I accidentally walked into the men's locker room at the gym today. My first thought was not, "Oh shit, wrong room." It was, "Damn, that woman's got some teeny titties."

Seriously, what is wrong with me?

bomarr tomorrow night @ laszlo!

our sweet pal bomarr will be djing tomorrow night @ laszlo so get your asses on over there.

conserving paper

this is a perfect example of what happens when my brother is left in charge of my 3 year old niece.

personal douche chills

ok, i have been kind of wanting to kill myself lately due to work and apartment hunting and other woes. that pow pow factor just went through the roof because i just gave myself the most insane douche chills. i've been conflicted lately after a recent hotel stay when i learned who criss angel is. i had heard of him and then i accidently saw his show. then i was like, i think i should think he's hot because he has dirty gross jack white hair and a diamond hand cuff necklace which i kind of want to own. but he's such a douche, it's painful. i was like, hot or not? so i found this picture and i think he's ok looking minus some serious shit storms in the outfit department.

i was looking for photos and then i found this. and now i am going to jump out the window because it's too painful.

the only positive is that his dong looks big. or maybe it's a cup. lskdfjalsdkfjl;adfj

Handsome Richard's Late Night Phosphate

check out these fellas' response to unibloggal's favorite ottoman rape video.
hilarious, i tell you.

Does size matter?

I'm not the hugest fan of Penn and Teller but this little video made my gloomy Tuesday morning filled with sunshine. At first I thought the woman in the middle of the segment (3:57) was annoying, but then she turned out to be my jam, and now I heart her.

Anyone uniblogettes want to offer their opinion so we can finally clear up the size controversy once and for all? I'll begin: size does matter, but not how men may think it does. If you were one inch, I'd probably look like this but if you were 12 inches I'd probably respond in this manner. To me its all about balance and being somewhere in the middle is A-OK in my book, if not preferred. Feel better? Probably not but I tried. Next...

Douchebag of the Week: Glo Fur

Okay, okay, so if you were to really do some background research on me you may figure out that I have donned some questionable club outfits back in the day. I was young, impressionable, and heavily medicated and we all make mistakes, so eff off. But this shit? This is too much. Seriously if you ever see anyone wearing glo fur (and I'd be willing to bet one of these morons will show up in our fair city) make sure you immediately approach said person and punch them in the face. I promise you'll feel fantastic and the world will be a better place.

Synthface + Quarterbar tomorrow night!!

Come out tomorrow night and check out Synthface put on a seriously fun show with a DJ set from our special homey Quarterbar!!

This all goes down at Hotel Utah and will cost you $7.

See ya there!

Four Short Crushes

This short story by Paul Simms appeared in the New Yorker about a month ago. But I've been thinking about it and rereading it ever since. And I laugh every time. This, to me, is the measure of a great story. A five-star story. It makes me happy for two reasons, 1. That guys actually think like this too, and 2. That I have a new author to aspire to emulate.

Following is a short clip, read the whole story here. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Just look at you, walking into this dreary bar and lighting the place up like the noonday sun at midnight, twirling a lock of your long auburn hair pensively as you search the room—for what?

For a soul mate, perhaps?

(I know, I know—I hate that phrase, too. Maybe that will end up being one of those things we both hate.) Maybe a few weeks from now, lying in your bed on a Sunday morning, I’ll ask you, “What’s your least favorite word or phrase?,” and you’ll say, “ ‘Soul mate,’ ” and I’ll laugh till you say, “What? Tell me!,” and I’ll tell you how I knew that from the moment I first laid eyes on you, and then we’ll have sex again.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. You haven’t even noticed me yet. That’s O.K. I can wait.

Waste time at work!

Here are two videos that have crossed my path the past few days and I felt our unibloggal readership (all 12 of you) would appreciate. First up, my main man Eddie Vedder. I've had a crush on Eddie since I was 14. My mom almost made me take down the sign I had hanging in my room "Eddie Vedder is a god" because she thought it was sacrilegious. Gotta love those teen years. Anyway, Eddie is famous for poorly annunciating almost every single Pearl Jam song, and there is no better example of this then Yellow Ledbetter. One Pearl Jam fan decided to get down to the bottom of the lyrical confusion and posted this little ditty on YouTube.



The second time suck for you to enjoy is a little 80s fashion show hosted by the incomparable Mr. T. These fashion mavens have some sweet threads and pretty much look exactly like every single hiptard showcased on Blue States Lose each Friday. My how times have NOT changed. It time for a new trend people.

nba, man child vs. turtle head.

i'm sorry for occasionally getting jocky on you. last night i discovered the only reason i can find to actually go to the gym. they have tv there. i don't have cable and subsequently stop giving a crap about the nba playoffs unless i'm in a bar that has a game on. i used to be obsessed when i lived in LA, when the lakers were good and when i could watch every playoff game from the comfort of my non-cable having bed. now that i live here, that's changed. no more effing games on non-cable channels. it's poo. anyway, last night at the gym the pistons vs. cavs game was on. every team i give an eff about is gone. i mean, i could die at the thought of a jazz/spurs wecon finals. honestly. i'm rambling. i also NEED the cavs to win so i can see more of the man child, le bron james, in action. lookie!

he's just a baby but he is buff and great! and he doesn't choke like dewayne and dirk. he also needs to win so he can make turtle head tim duncan make the opposite of this disgusting face. VOMIT.

Surface

if you haven't yet heard about microsoft surface then check this out!! it really looks pretty amazing. i'm sure it will be incredibly affordable and that we will all have one in our homes when they come out in the winter of '07.



"With Surface, we can actually grab data with our hands, and move information between objects with natural gestures and touch.
Surface features a 30-inch tabletop display whose unique abilities allow for several people to work independently or simultaneously. All without using a mouse or a keyboard."

Confessions of a cyberstalker

In the olden days, before the Internet, people were forced to use traditional methods of getting to know someone. They would ask friends of friends, listen in on conversations, or, if they were really brave, go up and actually speak to the person they were trying to get to know.

Luckily, for those of us in the 21st century, these antiquated methods are no longer needed. Now we have the Internet, where people are more than willing to divulge personal information through multiple channels. With networking sites like Myspace, Friendster, and Facebook, getting up the courage to speak to the cute boy at the office is just not necessary.

With a simple click of a mouse, I know that Office Cute Boy is single. He’s my age. He enjoys acting silly with his niece, foreign films and spicy tuna rolls. All this I found out without even having to talk to him. It’s great, because if I were to go up ask him these things in person, he might think I was interested. He might even ask me out on a date. In which case I would probably have to leave my apartment, which would entail putting on deodorant and pants.

Okay, so I’m not really that much of an introvert. Eventually, of course, I will go up and speak to him. When this momentous day occurs, I can use my Internet-gained knowledge to my advantage. Or, if I’m not careful, this knowledge can turn around and bite me in my lazy, pantsless ass.

Example A: The wrong way to be a cyberstalker

“So how old is your niece? Oh, um, yeah I know you never mentioned that you had a niece… er, uh, I guess you’ve always struck me as sort of avuncular.”

Example B: Embarrassing cyberstalkers everywhere

“Hey, give me a high five for that delicious chocolate cheesecake at Juniors, cause I know you love high fives and Junior’s chocolate cheesecake. I mean, I assume you do. I mean, um… who doesn’t?”

Example B: Using cyberstalking to your advantage

“So the other day I was reading Fortress of Solitude on my way up to The Arcade Fire concert and totally spilled my chicken tikka masala all over my shirt and… what? No way! That’s your favorite book and your favorite band and your favorite food too?!? Crazy! You wanna make out?”

Read and learn, my friends. Read and learn.

je recommend

eighteen of the twenty arrondissements of paris are depicted in this collection of romantic and anti-romantic shorts from such acclaimed directors as gus van zant, the coen brothers, tom tykwer and gurinder chadha.

three ps: ps 1: the movie is not douchey as the preview might lead you to believe. ps 2: nick nolte should be banned from film. and ps 3: gena rowlands is my boo.

Wrap those tentacles around me, baby

We all know about my thing for Scottish guys. It started at age 18 when I stopped in Scotland for a week or two on my way through Europe. Then the obsession continued when I lived there my junior year of college. And the Scottish fetish was reconfirmed when I moved to Edinburgh for the summer after college.

Yes, I’ve always melted at the sound of a Scottish accent. However, the other night I was watching Pirates of Caribbean 2 (in preparation for the viewing of 3) and I found myself strangely attracted to Davy Jones, the tentacled, disgusting and apparently Scottish creature of the sea.

I know he’s evil, and I know he's ugly, and I know his head is an octopus, but goddamn, that accent is so hot. For those of you that forget what Davy Jones looks like, here’s a photo:



Granted, without his manly Scottish brogue, he’s not done justice. H.O.T.T. hott!

my anaconda don't want none

this weekend, over brunch, a boyfriend of a friend of a friend (BFOF) told me the most insane story i've heard in years. this story comes in waves of vom. with each wave, my jaw dropped further to the ground and my omelette rose further up.

WAVE ONE



* over six years ago, in a boston suburb, BFOF was given a two foot long baby python for christmas. call me a pussy, but this deserves the first wave of vom, because i think it is disgusting that anyone would receive, much less want, a python for christmas.

WAVE TWO



* over a relatively short period of time, the python, named E.T., grew to 18 feet in length and almost two feet in diameter. E.T. weighed over 100 pounds.

* E.T. had his own bedroom in the apartment in which BFOF and his friends lived. in his bedroom, E.T. had a kiddie pool which he filled up entirely.

* E.T. loved hair. if you had long hair, E.T. would crawl all up in it and gleefully bitchslap you with his nasty ass foot long tongue.

WAVE THREE



* BFOF fed E.T. live guinea pigs and rats and other nastiness. upon swallowing them whole and digesting them, E.T. would leave behind enormous WHITE turds. and yes, the fact that they're white makes it five hundred times grosser.

* the apartment began to take on the funk of E.T.

WAVE FOUR



* after a while, the cost of feeding E.T. became burdensome for BFOF and his roommates.... so they responded to an ad for free kittens!

* BFOF and his roommates fed E.T. one free kitten. however, they felt oh so guilty about it that they returned the remaining kittens.

WAVE FIVE (yes, wave five)



* one day, E.T. went missing. now, E.T. loved to hide in warm, dark places. ew. but BFOF was always able to find him. of course. that is, until this one occasion.

* days go by without BFOF or his roommates reporting that their 18-foot python had gone missing.

* around 2:00 in the morning, it was discovered that E.T. had gotten under the floorboards. how was this discovered, you ask?!!

* well, at 2:00 am, E.T. fell through the floorboards and landed on an elderly woman who was sleeping peacefully below!!

* the elderly woman, upon waking up to an 18-foot python falling from the sky and landing on her frail, elderly frame, called 911.

EPILOGUE



* the police arrived, but were too freaked out to go into the room with E.T.

* the police awakened BFOF who returned E.T. to the apartment. however, they were forced to donate E.T. to a zoo a couple days later.

* the elderly woman moved out of the apartment a week later.

season finales: a report card

alert! if you're not caught up on your television, look away, baby look away.

finale season for me is over. somehow this television season i found myself with more shit to watch than i knew what to do with. i've still got some outstanding episodes of entourage to soak up, but other than that, bring on september sweeps. for me, this round of shows brought some highs and lows. i've outlined below some of the shows i've been watching and exactly how their finales rated on a report card, and collectively what 2007 spring television scored as a GPA.

america's next top model: c+

this season's winner was jaslene, finally a latina took home the top prize. i was surprised tyra picked her because she's an ematiated skeletor and tyra is on her new SO WHAT rampage after being pictured in magazines looking a little more pork pie-ish than you'd imagine. jaslene has a serious accent that might impede her ability to excel in the only post-winner job she will get, starring in the "my life as a cover girl" bits they do during commercials. this show is so lame i want to punch myself. while in my hotel room last week i caught a marathon of ANTM: season 1 and WOW, that was some delicious television. i want more adriane, more christians and more fights. it's so boring! and i can't stop watching it.

dancing with the stars: a-

i've never really watched this show before but got hooked before i could stop myself. i heard joey fatone on howie stern yesterday and he said the eff word a lot, which made me like him. unfortunately, he didn't win. the combination of heather mills, steve sanders, some tiny little figure skater (or speed?) all clad in spangles and high wasted pants was too much. it was pretty great. apolo anton ono won. mainly because he was mere millimeters from boning his teen partner on the stage. it was mega teen hot. me likey.

grey's anatomy: finale/d, season/b+ = c+

overall, i thought this season was great. lots of people both boned and also died, there was minimal derrick/meredith story line (whiney brats!) and addison montgomery sheppard isn't so much a great actress, but easy on the eyes. HOWEVER, the finale was a stupid ass pile of poo. i hated it. preston burke is a dumb dumb and i totally think they wrote him off because he ran away with his lucky scrub in cap and trumpet. the way christina and meredith act like bffs is totally lame-o. all in all, it was a poo finale. i really wanted alex to french ava, george and his wife are mash, izzy is a douche.

american idol: b-

i'm still pissed that blake lewis didn't win, though i knew he wouldn't and in this picture he looks like ryan seacrest. how pissed is brian dunkelman, by the way? anyway, there was way too much charity broohahahaha on this season and though i think it's worthy, middle america is like "africa?" i fast forwarded through the entire finale and just watched the end. i can't deal with jordin sparks, mainly because she dwarfs every man on that show. it's weird.

lost: a

i've now reached a point with this show where i have a manageable list of outstanding questions that i need answered. it used to be that i was boggled beyond comprehension. they've done a good job in a few short episodes of explaining a few things but not blowing their load. people did it, someone died (we are everybody!) and there are great things to look forward to. word is we're stuck with this show til 2010, so the future looks bright. and sawyer is hottish.

overall GPA: 3.0

new york city: a celebrity redux

hello. i apologize for being so distant with you all lately. i returned about 36 hours ago from a six day new york city adventure. while i was a ragingly bad friend who only managed to squeeze in two fast dinners with uniblogger colleen, not catching a single glimpse of audrey and billy and collecting a fascinating number of moderate celebrity encounters. this is one of my favorite parts of new york. ex-models, movie stars, musicians, b-list and reality tv celebrities (walk the streets, dining, taking in shows (not the broadway kind) with the rest of us, just like us weekly says. and the best part, everyone acts normal. in los angeles it's a shit storm butt hole cluster eff anytime some tween star gets out of her land rover. in new york it's like "who are you? i don't care. i don't even see you." it's awesome. here is a list of my radical celebrity shoulder rubbings while in the big apple:

this is a stroke. not the drew barrymore one. he's short. i saw him at a secret machines show at the annex. his girlfriend? was six inches taller than him.

this is a perverted photog (as they call them in the celebrity world of e!) named terry richardson. i saw him walking down bowery whith a girl who looked exactly like albert hammond jr.'s girlfriend? i was sensing a trend. the second after we passed him, we stepped over a huge pile of what looked like spilled powdered sugar. boogar sugar? no one could tell.

i forget her name. i think it's lauren or laurel graham. she's the mom on gilmore girls. i think that show is over and now she's in that new michael from the office movie about noah's arc. tina and i saw her shopping at our favorite boot store on prince and then again at dinner at freeman's alley on tuesday night. she had a girl with her both times, i wonder if they were knocking boots. she has pretty hair, but i bet that shit is fake.

this is larenz tate. me and tina stopped our trek across lower manhattan to eat some snacks and stuff. he was in boyz in the hood and then he was having lunch in soho. weird. he's very short which is normal for celebrities, i think. what do they have against tall people other than dharma and uma? his girlfriend? was wearing a beedazzled trucker hat and had a hot rear.

after that we think we saw dave chappel in a fendi scarf. but i can't be sure.

i'm not joking when i say that i've seen more contestants from various seasons of project runway than anyone else while in new york. this is daniel v, also known as the person i have most prayed to god would turn straight than anyone else on earth. i love him. i would crush him with my height and girth, but he's adorable. his hair, clothes, sweetsweetness and i'm getting emo so i'll stop. he was at freeman's alley too. i love him.

goodbye.

Douchebag of the Week: Leslee Unruh

Yesterday on Fox News’s Your World With Neil Cavuto, Leslee Unruh, president of the National Abstinence Clearinghouse (kind of sounds like a sweepstakes), argued that a newly FDA-approved birth control pill is a “pesticide” that will make women “like men.” She called it an “attack on children and families,” spearheaded by Big-Pharma and those evil organizations Planned Parenthood and NARAL, who have had a war on children for years. This bitch is nuts and is beyond douchey as she demonstrates beautifully throughout the video. She pretty much makes the case for NARAL, given the fact that 98% of women use some form of birth control in their lifetime and that...and this is just a hunch...don't look at BC as a war against babies.

Toadbusters

Everything in Australia is poisonous. If it has legs, tentacles or eyes, chances are, it can probably kill you. I like to read about all the venomous creatures of that sun-burnt country because it makes me even prouder to have survived my recent vacation there. In two adventure-filled weeks, I did not get bitten by a spider, stung by a killer jellyfish, nor attacked by a sharp-clawed drunken koala. Nor was I killed by a dog-sized Cane toad named “Toadzilla.”

“The toad, weighing almost 2lbs, was captured yesterday by Frogwatch, an environmental group that wants to stop the spread of the poisonous species…. Cane toads have killed countless native animals, including crocodiles.”

new national album out!

the national put out their latest album, boxer, yesterday! you can check out video clips of all tracks from the album right here. it's real good stuff.
they're also playing at bimbo's on june 27th and they always put on an excellent show.

"I think we're dead."

You've probably already heard the hilarious 911 call from the Michigan police officer that thought he and his wife overdosed on pot brownies. But have you seen the Seattle newscasters cracking up and snorting over it? Videos like this make me more confident about my own unprofessionalism at work.



Hang in there, buddy. We've all been there.

WTF of the week: ottoman rape

I need a shower, an overall bleaching and to repent to the lord after watching this piece of comic treasure. Now I know what dudes do at their slumber parties. Jesus...this is way worse than naked girl pillow fights (which we totally do all the time by the way.)

two great shows this week!

unibloggal superhomies, newageynofriends and the bomarr monk, are in full effect this week with two separate shows! come out and show these sweet fellas some love.

TONIGHT:



FRIDAY:

teen beat tuesday: c'mon c'mon feel it feel it

hi. i love mark wahlberg because:

he can do devil horns on his privates, used to have huge boob muscles and was a bsg when i was in high school. also,

sometimes he's kind of rugged in that yummy construction worker way. this mark probably eats cheeseburgers from carls jr and watches football. either that or he really likes camping, but either way he has a truck. trucks appeal to a most girls in an entirerly unexplainable manner. in addition,

somehowe he looks hot with a gun. lastly,

he cleans up hella nicey and has this hot monkey-ish spit mouth when he talks. he could probably say the eff word in the middle of action and you'd like it.