america's moral crisis demands return of 8th and ocean!

now more than ever, america, we need 8th and ocean to come back on the air. irene marie for president!

irene marie is concerned about the issues:


irene marie reaches out to high-risk youth:


irene marie protests conflict diamonds:

and finally, irene marie gives us vinci:

MEANEST MAN CONTEST in SF next wednesday!!

that's right folks. our favorite pals of meanest man contest are treating us all to a show at the makeout room next wednesday, april 11th! come support the fellas and enjoy some additional tunes courtesy of languis and roman ruins.
more details are right here

Never sleep late again

I don't know about you all, but I have serious issues with waking up on time. I've been known to wake up at 11, when I was meant to be at work at 10. It's a miracle I have a job at all. Oh no wait, I don't.

But I've finally found the solution to all my oversleeping problems: the new SnūzNLūz from the genuises at ThinkGeek. What gets you out of be faster than knowing that if you don't wake up, you're personally supporting the republican party? Let me explain by plagerizing their website:

"The SnūzNLūz uses the very complex psychological phenomemon known as 'HATRED'. Basically it's human nature to wish harm upon your enemies. Similarly, it's human nature not to give your enemies gobs of cash so that they can grow big and dominate the world with their totally wrong, stupid and invalid point of view. ThinkGeek realized that. That's why everytime you hit the snooze button, the SnūzNLūz will donate a specified amount of your real money to a non-profit you hate."

isn't it ironic

EDIT: i just actually listened to this (i didn't have my headphones handy before) and now my ears are bleeding and i hate it.

dontcha think?

(alanis has a bod, who knew!?)

gross abbrevs

not all abbreviations are created equal! in close consultation with the unibloggal family, i have compiled a list of abbreviations that should be banned from use in real conversation,* first amendment concerns aside.

the criteria:

(1) ICKINESS – the abbreviation makes a perfectly good word into something icky;

(2) LAZINESS – the abbreviation underscores the speaker’s sheer laziness to utter one or two more syllables; and/or

(3) WTF-NESS – the abbreviation makes no sense in that it does not remove the end of a longer word (apocopation), remove the beginning part of a word (aphaeresis), remove the middle part of a word (syncope), or fuse two or more words together (portmanteau).

illegal abbreviations:

PARM for parmesan, as in “I had chicken parm last night.” = (1) ick

GUAC for guacamole, as in “Can I have a side of guac with my parm?” = (1) ew

CAB for cabernet, as in “Call me a cab -- a cabernet that is.” = (2) you're a douche.

REZZY/RESIE for reservation, as in “I just got a rezzy at Supercuts.” = (1) ick; and (2) go that extra mile, make that -zee into a –zer, and add a –vation, thanks.

FRISCO for san francisco = (1) ew

NATCH for naturally, as in “Did I get laid? Natch!” = (1) and (2)

BRAH for brother or brotha or bro = (1) and (2)

SAMMIE for sandwich = (1), (2) and (3)

ABBREV for abbreviation = (2) abbreviating abbreviation?! no.

honorable mention:

POON for poontang ≠ (1) poontang (for some) is already a gross word, so the abbreviation merely highlights the original word’s ickiness.

FAN-TAB for fantabulous ≠ (1) fantabulous is illegal, so its abbreviation is as well.


* stephanie has created an exception for online communications.

friday dating tip: blink 18-poo

i have writers blog today. that was supposed to say writer's block but then i turned on my sirius internet radio. howie stern and his loveable gang is off on friday because they are shit bangs, so i searched for something else to fill my ear holes. that adventure took me through a few minutes in which i learned how to shuck snap peas on martha stewart's channel. then i had to listen to some shitty aphex twin song on the douche channel. then i almost choked my way through a dongballed rod stewart and then the travelling wilbury's song on my mom's channel. then i found my way home to "alt nation" where my ears were first blessed with the sounds of afi then POOF, vomit in audio form.


this is a song called "i miss you" by blink 182.

are you still with me? because here comes the dating tip, along with a really great story. in 1995 i had this nice albeit far away boyfriend (i was at college and he wasn't). coming from the OC, it made sense that he had a shaved head, a VW bus and a love for weed. and i had a two inch long homemade haircut, some ugly clothes and a slut problem, apparently. being a member of the alternative nation and because it was 1995, my friends an i trecked on down to downtown santa barbara for the no doubt show. gimme a break, it was TOTALLY before they blew up, bra (that one was for you, linds). to make a long story somehow shorter, blink 182 was opening for them. we had no clue who they were but they wanted to party with us! we ended up at taco bell and then at some mansion in the hills where we played games and they tried to get us to lesbian out on eachother. i gave my standards away during the first round of make out with your dorm neighbor and ended up cheating on my nice boyfriend with one of the shit sacks in this band. the next day when he came up to spend the weekend with me i did this thing that crossed a line between being honest/coming clean and totally bragging to him about my sinful night with some broski with a guitar (did i just give away which one it was?). we broke up and now i think he's getting married soon.

the tip is: you only live once, french the guy in the band because anyone can get married.

fad hag

first off, let me admit that i'm a total hypocrite. i live in williamsburg, rock the occasional drama-bang, own moderately skinny jeans, and exclusively wear chucks.

that said, this skinny jean/ballet slipper/american apparel aesthetic has simply gone too far. our youth---or, in my case, unhip boss---are dressed in head to toe shrink wrap! america, we are one step away from popularizing lace-up crotches, i know it. are those men pictured above sexy? straight?! capable of human reproduction?!!

multiple choice

there's this fun game to play with your boy/girl friend on instant messenger/g-chat/whathaveyou. it's called multiple choice quiz. i just played this with my man of choice and he wasn't too excited about the game. here's how it went:

me: pick one of these that's true. the other three are false.
him: ok
me:
a. i frenched someone else (i used to have a frenching problem)
b. i'm wearing a dress over jeans (he hates this look)
c. i'm moving to new york (i REALLY love new york)
d. i can't come over and make you dinner tonight (that was the plan for tonight)
him: i really hope you're wearing a dress over jeans

he was correct. this was my way of making my outfit not seem so menacing.

the only reason i'll ever want to go to vegas

this is hands down the best piece of news i read all day. i swear to the l.b.j., if the world has a giant jacko robot roaming around freely through the desert shooting laser beams through it's eyes, i will die a happy woman. and if they ever open up neverland to the public (think similar to graceland) then i'll die a really happy woman. and holy moly, if an insider from the jackson camp (paris? blanket? bubbles?) ever balls up to write a tell-all, i can't even begin to explain how completely ecstatic i'd be.
____________________________________________________
Michael Jackson wants Vegas robot
03/27/2007 4:00 PM,
Yahoo! Music.music

Michael Jackson is in discussions about creating a 50-foot robotic replica of himself to roam the Las Vegas desert, according to reports. The pop legend is currently understood to be living in the city, as he considers making a comeback after 2004's turbulent child sex case. It has now been claimed that his plans include an elaborate show in Vegas, which would feature the giant Jacko striding around the desert, firing laser beams. If built, the metal monster would apparently be visible to aircraft as they come in to land in the casino capital. It is the centerpiece of an elaborate Jackson-inspired show in Vegas, according to Andre Van Pier, the robot's designer.

Luckman Van Pier, his partner at the company behind the proposal, claims blueprints have been drawn up for the show and seen by the star. "Michael's looked at the sketches and likes them," he told the New York Daily News. On the subject of the robot, he continued: "It would be in the desert sands. Laser beams would shoot out of it so it would be the first thing people flying in would see."

CALLA: tomorrow night at rickshaw!

come out tomorrow night and check out calla. they're a rad band and also happen to be phil's old pals from texas. come show em some love.

look! sweet quarby wrote about them right here

there is a birthday among us

young stephanie has turned older. our great pal colin has commemorated this special occasion with a hearty stab at photoshop genius. do you remember weasel, the dogs born with no ears? poor guy couldn't hear everyone singing happy birthday. but once he figured it out, he mounted her. hard.

teen beat tuesday: most improved player

have any of you people been watching "dancing with the stars?" admit it, dammit. anyway, ian ziering aka steve sanders used to be a puffy haired mullet pasty dong parade. he was so gross. remember when he filmed a porno at the walsh house and he played the pizza man? yuck. here's an example:


as you might have heard, he's now one of the stars who is learning to ballroom dance. he's got sort of this super chiseled beard, his blonde hair is less cottony and pouf tastic. he's not hard core tucking his salmon shirts anymore, he's kind of moderately buff and not so oddly doughy. the bad part is that he has to wear sick suits and sparkles and stuff. ya know? am i dead meat?

he kind of looks like a pigeon here but i can't find a better photo.

i think my cat wants to be a woman

this is my cat simon. lately he's been convincing me that he wants to be a lady, or at least accessorize like one. you see, in my room i have a little table. on that table is an assortment of necklaces, bracelets and earrings with which i frequently decorate my person. lately, my cat (shown above) has been trying to get on that little table. when he isn't successful, he just swipes at various bangles and lariats until they're knocked onto the floor at which time he rolls around on them or bats them around my room. he's always been a bit effeminate, but i think living in san francisco is having a remarkable effect on him.

A birthday message from overseas

Allen the Alpaca has a very special message for Stephanie...

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEFF-LEZ!"

I showed him a photo of you and he got very excited (see raised ears) so I gave him your email address, hope that's cool. I thought maybe you two could get to know each other online, and then maybe he can come to live with you in San Francisco. Since Ralph died and all, Allen can live in a bowl on your desk... yes?

Good. Hope you're having a great one, Stephanie! I'll see you on Saturday!

nuggetts of the week: amy poehler & will arnett

Married nuggetts Amy Poehler & Will Arnett star in the new Will Farrell movie Blades of Glory opening this Friday, March 30th. The movie has a kick ass cast and will likely be hilartown...especially if i smoke some wacky tobacky before going. I heart Will Farrell and ice skating movies in general (hello, Ice Castles, The Cutting Edge...damn I really need an ice skating movie marathon now!) These two are shiznet and I can't wait to see them on the big screen. Check out those costumes! Hot. You know they were having some crazy olympic fantasy ice-skating sex in those outfits.

non merci

the grand canyon skywalk is a horseshoe-shaped glass walkway, suspended 1,200 meters above the canyon---a height that eclipses the world's largest skyscrapers. the skywalk is anchored deep into a limestone cliff. on march 20th, native american leaders and former astronauts stepped onto the skywalk and looked down to see the 4,000-foot chasm below. quote from hell: "As people walk across it, the glass layers creak and the deck wobbles almost imperceptibly."

Oops, I did it again...

I've played with my own heart and put myself out there for the online dating community to have their way with me. With my first message from a potential suitor, I am reminded why I hate online dating. It's hard in New York, people...

"you are delightfully mysteriously striking and perhaps the bee's knees! though i don't have much to go on... i'm am quite fond of owls and swans. so... what else do you fancy? how about oysters and bloody marys on a sunday... digging through old albums you've got hidden in boxes somewhere? did you ever go through a Rod Stewart phase? me neither... but i bought a bunch off some guy on the street the other day. have you ever been to tokyo? up at 5 am to visit the magical theatrical fish market where they auction off the tuna with surreal billowing clouds of dry ice singing the prices and twirling bright red paint brushes to mark each sale? giggling girls in little bo peep outfits on the subway next to business men blushing?"

Come on, people! How do I possibly respond to this??? Of course I went through a Rod Stewart phase! No, seriously, didn't we all? I'll figure it out b/c he's actually one of the cuter people on there so I think I'll go out with him. And yes, you'll hear all about it.

friday dating tip: snot

happy friday, y'all. i'm currently sick with a snotty nose, sore throat and rancid cough. not rancid like the band, but just kind of gross and the kind of thing that if you heard it from a stranger on the bus you'd stare at them like they had fleas and goiters. anyway, i don't really get sick to often which is rather stunning considering my lifestyle, but when i do get sick, i turn into a large whining baby. pathetic style.

in the image i've included for you (above) you can see that whomever this woman calls her significant other is really awesome. he/she/it's done a few key things to ensure her comfort and happiness while sick.

1. the couch has been vacated so everyone can sleep. she can cough and watch movies all day and night. though from the looks of her face, he's (presumably) trying to get her to watch turner and hooch when she wants to watch dirty dancing.

2. she's wearing mismatched flannel pjs. nothing beats flannel when you're snotty.

3. she has a beverage with a long straw. whoever hooked her up with that is a major keeper, assuming they are also keeping the glass full. when i was at home sick (alone!) yesterday i actually brought the britta into my room with me so i wouldn't have to get up. the next stop was attaching a tray table to my cat's back and teaching him some new tricks.

4. the old blankie if any s/o wants to score mom (or general nurturer points), they'll bust out an old blankie that reminds you of your childhood, but in only a moderatly creepy way.

5. lastly, and the only thing wrong with this photo, is the lack of action that's happening here. if your loved one is sick, you really need to stick it in em. or vis versa. mucous or not, it's the least you can do!

the world's sh*ttiest mixtape

Two bored roommates (who moonlight as comedians) challenged each other to come up with the world's shittiest mixtape. Each had to pick only five songs and with the third roommate as a judge, the loser was forced to play their mixtape loudly while carrying a boombox through the streets of New York. The video is a few years old but will induce a giggle or two nonetheless.

If you like what you see the creators have a new show, The Human Giant, scheduled to premier April 5th on MTV. The comedy series with showcase some short films, including the one above, and will feature notable funnymen Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn among others.

Baby Nuggets of the Week!

i mean, seriously, could the fuckin' jolie-pitt crew get any more adorable. it's so cute i might barf.