U N I B L O G G A L

Oldies in the City

2007-12-20T13:54:00.000-08:00

Based on my previous Sex in the City/Golden Girls comparison, I just had to post this. Especially considering all the debate around Carrie Bradshaw Vs. Bea Arthur. And, dude, how awesome is Mona from Who's the Boss as Miranda!

What do you look like?

2007-12-04T11:41:00.001-08:00

New favorite game: do a search on Google for “(Your name) looks like.” Then look through the results, there are bound to be some gems. Here are my favorites for the Unibloggals…

Audrey looks like...

Audrey looks like she’s going to throw up.

Audrey looks like she's not too sure about this fat guy in red!

Stephanie looks like...

Stephanie looks like Jose Canseco.

Stephanie looks like she's been rode hard and put away wet.

Laurin looks like...

Laurin looks like a flower in a school play

Erin looks like...

Erin looks like harry potter on drugs.

Erin looks like a chorus dancer in a backwoods production of Chicago.

Julie looks like...

Julie looks like an oriental version of Bridget Fonda

Julie looks like a naughty librarian

dirty diana

2007-11-26T10:41:00.000-08:00

i was walking from bart to work this morning when my eyes OOOOWWWWOOOGGAAAA'ed out of my head like on a cartoon. you see, michael jackson is on the cover of ebony magazine. i wasn't sure at first if it was him or latoya, but i was fairly certain it was the former since the person in question was wearing a weird lesbian suit and not a boustier. be sure to click here and go down to look at the other photos. what a freakazoid.

look at that amazing coif.

what not to douche

2007-11-21T10:25:00.000-08:00

that's stacy london and clinton kelly who host tlc's "what not to wear." they're totally annoying and love the empire waist. they call it the umpeeeer seam which lays just under the bust and allows fabric to gently away from the body, hiding any unsightly tummy bumps. it's all very interesting.

Teeth

2007-11-20T15:07:00.000-08:00

gentlemen, this would be a scenario where i would highly recommend a dental dam.
this shit is fucking hilarious. and horrifying.
wonder if you have to brush 'em.

film's website here

abc family, lol

2007-11-19T15:06:00.000-08:00

last night, we were having a "sunday" which included brunch, light house cleaning in preparation for "monday," some quiet time with crosswords (they were both too hard) and some television. it's always interesting to me when i hand the remote over to "boyfriend," as his selections never include the thanksgiving-themed cooking shows on the food network or sex in the city. it's like a study in gender relations. while i was doing the dishes last night, boyfriend selected E.T. on the abc family channel. though it didn't last long, we made it through two excellent snippets from this great film of our youth. they were:

1. after ordering pizza, elliot's older brother calling him a "douche-bag"

2. after older brother makes fun of elliot for thinking he saw an alien, elliot calls him "penis breath."

i didn't know that steven spielberg or whomever wrote that movie had the same taste in name calling that i do. pretty rad.

It's like Halloween, but political

2007-11-06T11:25:00.000-08:00

It's election day, or as I call it in San Francisco - the circus. The freaks don't come out at night in this fair city of ours, they come out in the ballad. I hope you're all heading to the polls today. Not so much because of the political expression, but because of the entertainment.

The other night I got to share in the joy and laughter of every other San Franciscan citizen in the year’s most comical publication: the official Voter Information Pamphlet.

When you have an entire proposition on the ballad devoted to the funding of the Golden Gate Park horse stables, I guess it’s not surprising that the mayoral candidates include a nudist, a sex-club owner, a florist named Chicken John and a taxicab driver named Grasshopper.

These are exact quotes from the official Voter Information Pamphlet. I swear, I am not making this stuff up:

Candidates for the Mayor of San Francisco:

GEORGE DAVIS
My occupation is Writer/Nudist Activist.

This is a One Issue campaign which is to Make Golden Gate Park Clothing Optional like the major urban parks in Europe. For other policy issues, a well known City Manager will be appointed.

Thoughts for today:
1. You are free to be nude!!! You are free to wear clothing. By California case law (In Re Smith 1972 and other court decisions), you have a freedom of choice.
2. Nude is not lewd.
3. With San Francisco's ranked three choices, voting for freedom of choice is as easy as one, two, three.

Give George Davis a ranked vote, preferably #1.

Yeah, nude is not lewd, people.

MICHAEL POWERS
My occupation is Nightclub Owner.

As a progressive I have owned and operated one of San Francisco's most unique and innovative nightclubs for 11 years. My creation of the Power Exchange adult sexual liberation experience shows my capacity to embrace every kind of alternative lifestyle and manage multiple environments housed in one totally law-abiding and successful business.

Why do all our politicians want to get us naked? I don’t know if you non-San Franciscans are familiar with the Power Exchange, but it’s San Francisco’s most infamous sex club where crazy deviant acts occur… I hear.

CHICKEN JOHN RINALDI

My occupation is Showman.

Hi, my name is Chicken John and I'm running for Mayor because I have a vision for the future of this city. I want a city that attracts artists, not one that chases them away; where innovation wins out over gentrification. In other words, a city that actually has a future, and not just a celebrated past.

And my favorite line:

C'mon, it'll be fun. Vote for me.

But the ridiculousness continues. My roommate's actually ridden in this guy's cab:

GRASSHOPPER ALEC KAPLAN

My occupation is Vegan Taxicab Driver.

Born – Moscow, Russia; English – third but only language.
Grasshopper: Vegan, Bay swimmer, owner Grasshopper Taxicab. Lifelong musician; guitarist, singer/songwriter. Compassionate, tolerant, supportive, loving. 13 years here residentially challenged.

Restore festival, carnival atmosphere; musicians, Artists, fun, love. Remember to smile, laugh, celebrate our wonderful existence, our fabulous planet; create / make Grassland model – beacon of mutual understanding, hope.

I’m still stuck on the "English – third but only language."

It could be worse, we could be Berkeley… the city that nominated an Ambassador of the Trees. The city that debates the use of the word “owners” for pets. And the city that actually voted a clown onto the school board. Literally a clown. A guy with big shoes, a round red nose and the ability to juggle rubber chickens.

I can’t believe I ever left the Bay Area. It’s just too fun here. C’mon, vote for me. It’ll be fun.

"I gained 4 inches!"

2007-11-05T19:17:00.000-08:00

Apparently it’s bigger penis season in the world of spam. Following are subject lines from spam emails I got all in the last two days. These are exact quotes, I couldn’t make this shit up. I think they just try one approach after another to see what works.

We have the aspirational:

Enter the world of boundless sensual enjoyments with a new big penis

The poetic:

All sweet flowers succumb to big rod

The dirty:

The best juicy pussies are waiting to be drilled with your new big penis

The intellectual:

There's no need to enumerate all the advantages of the bigger penis

The endearing:

Does your Mr. Winkie need upgrading?

And the borderline offensive:

Beat her womb with your new big rod!

I then actually opened one of these emails (let’s face it, if there's one thing I need, it's a bigger penis) and I found a lovely poem inside. I couldn’t believe it. A spammer after my own heart:

"At last you've got a girl that's hot
You wanna screw her moistened twat.
She's so attractive, she's so nice!
But would your penile size suffice?
Not sure she will wish for more?
You need a thing she would adore!
But how to grow it long and thick?
Your only hope is MegaDik!
You'll get so wanted super-size
And see great pleasure in her eyes!
Your shaft will stuff her pink so deep,
Tonight you'll hardly fall asleep!
So try today this magic pill
And change your life at your own will!"

dance dance eatshitolution

2007-11-05T12:24:00.000-08:00

be sure to watch til the end. this one's a laugher.

friday dating tip: bedding fine honeys

2007-10-31T16:40:00.000-07:00

in order to really ensure that once you've landed a date, you're able to keep said date where you want them (in your bed), it's very important that you refine your nest so that it includes some aspects of undeniable comfort. here you see the five (yes, there are five of us now. hi, jules!) ladies of unibloggal in what appears to be a tableau of sleeping fantasy. this is a very important aspect of dating. for the most part, you boys out there need to listen up. here are a few ways in which you can technically improve the quality of your bed. if you follow these tips, the girls are more likely to not insist that you stay at their house where the bed is always cozy and clean.

step one: a good foundation. it doesn't always matter whether or not you've had your mattress since the fifth grade. it's just important that you actually have a mattress. that means no futons, rolled up sleeping bags placed upon some plywood (actually, i've slept on this configuration before, not as bad as you may think, but surely not ideal), no princess and the pea style piles of weird grandma bean bags. you get the picture. a mattress. here it's also important to consider your personal environs. tailor the frame or lack of a frame to your living situation. if you have roommates, consider the transportation of sound. nuff said? oh and size, in this case, it does matter. if you still have the extra long twin mattress that you stole from the dorm, you're fired. no girl wants to be reminded of horrific dorm sex.

step two: padding. i highly recommend some kind of pillow top and or egg crate. to avoid smothering your bed sharer, steer clear of those big puffy down mattresses that go upon your normal mattress. it's too much. a simple cozy layer between the mattress and the sheet is great.

step three: sheets. assuming everyone reading this is out of 5th grade, let's not have threadbare star wars sheets, shall we? these days, retailers such as target and ikea make it simple to have a cozy and up-to-date bed without breaking the bank. i swear. and it's always better if your sheets have seen a washing machine sometime since the clinton administration. i love the word administration.

step four: warmth. i have one word: DUVET. if you boys wonder why girls blankies are always more comfy than yours, it's because when we were in about junior high, our moms discovered the finer points of room decoration. when we're young, we constantly want to redecorate. it's madness. mothers everywhere soon realized that it's much cheaper just to by a new duvet and call it a day. duvets make an ordinary comforter somehow heavier and more heavenly. a must have.

step five: pillows. this step is slightly negotiable, however, it is important to have a separate pillow on which your significant other is able to rest her head, independently of yours. it's preferable that said pillow not have drool stains, food or any other particles of filth anywhere near it.

i think that about wraps it up. the lesson here is, treat your bed as you'd like to be treated. i take that back, boys can sleep anywhere. take pride in your nest and in return, the object(s) of your desire will be more likely to stick around. if you have a messy sleeping area, we'll assume you want us to go home, which might be the case. if so, well played. we didn't want to sleep with you either!! happy friday and happy "sleeping."

another reason i heart the howard stern show hard

2007-10-04T13:36:00.000-07:00

they remind me of gems like this

my favorite love letter ever

2007-10-04T13:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Denise,

You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go fuck yourself sad jobless pig.

You are an evil piece of shit. I can't wait to tell the world what a piece of shit you are. You don't get a fucking dime till this is resolved.

go cry to your bald mom, you fucking loser.

Love,

Charlie

wtfestival by erin

2007-10-04T13:09:00.000-07:00

here are a few things that i'm thinking about right now. i had a shit storm of coffee this a.m. it was delicious, but i haven't eaten any food except for a rotten blueberry so i am a tweaker face.

first, the blue angels are flying around outside my building at work right now and i hate their guts. i know they are trained professionals but aren't we in a war right now? send those bitches over and show the iraqis what the fuck is up.

also, the howard stern show is the best thing ever. although there is this weird thing that happens when sarah silverman is smelling the balls of richard christy who never showers and poos his homer simpson boxers. if you LOL at your desk and someone says "what's so funny, what are you listening to?" and when you say "howard stern" people are like FUCK YOU YOU CHILD MOLESTING WOMAN HATER. eff you, v-neck sweater vest.

the dad from gossip girl is DILFy:

hung won top chef. i'm not into him. secondly, padma is a porno.

unibloggal petrelli

2007-10-02T14:32:00.000-07:00

is this thing on?

i just have to share a massive throbber that has been distracting me from productivity since yesterday afternoon when dear laurin sent it my way. heroes may be wtf'ing so far this season, but wow. if they keep peter petrelli topless all season, i'll stay tuned. SHWINGGGGG.

One more Japan WTF

2007-09-24T22:15:00.000-07:00

I'm back from Japan. Thank god. But here's a dandy little video to remind us all of how fucking weird that country is. It's a little something to help you learn helpful English phrases while burning those calories. And a reminder for the Japanese that America can be a very scary place.

krystle vs. alexis: redux

2007-09-20T09:18:00.000-07:00

last night, a homo dream came true. dynasty was reincarnated in the form of the new cw teen drama, gossip girl, following america's next top model.

it centers on, check this out, serena van der woodsen (hahahahaha) who is essentially krystle carrington. she's young, beautiful and vulnerable as she re-enters the vicious world of privileged upper east side pubescents from which she mysteriously fled one year prior (to birth a bastard child, perhaps?). anyway, she has a troubled past, sure, but listen up.... she's giving, caring, and altruistic. how do we know? duh! she's blonde, and she remembers peoples' names.

enter serena van der woodsen's (hahahahaha) best friend, blair waldorf, who is essentially alexis colby carrington. there is a softer side to sears. blair has a bitch fashion designer mother who tells her that she'll never be as beautiful or as thin as she is right now. she was also hurt by serena's prompt departure. however, we know that she is straight-up evil. how? she's brunette, and she makes mean faces. a lot.

this show is trash. and it's pretty insulting to women, having them battle over men, trust funds and legacies. not to mention the fact that there were already two sexual assaults. but this shit is hot! and if dynasty is any indication, serena van der woodsen and blair waldorf are going to catfight in fountains, cause miscarriages, and call each other a bitch. repeatedly.

i'll miss the dynasty shoulder pads though.

Random Japan

2007-09-20T03:36:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm still here in this weird-ass country.

I'm actually starting to like it, it's a fascinating place - just so effing random. Here's a prime example. This is a photo of the top of the garbage bin in a public bathroom.

It's an egg. On a park bench. Reading a book about eggs, apparently. And the headline: "He was studying to be a great biochemist."

Can someone please explain to me what this means and why it's in the bathroom??

bel biv devoe. ha-ha ha-ha. now you know.

2007-09-19T13:05:00.000-07:00

today i decided to google bel biv devoe. i was thinking about those 3 fine gentlemen i loved so much back in the early 90's and i just wanted to check in and see if they were up to anything these days. the following snippet from wikipedia should bring tears of both sadness and laughter to your eyes:

"Ronnie DeVoe is now a real estate agent in the Atlanta, Georgia area but still remains with New Edition. He is very passionate about nutrition, especially healthy eating, and is currently collaborating with the group Viking Pimps on their up-coming album."

Yaaaargh

2007-09-19T07:55:00.000-07:00

Happy talk like a pirate day.

friday dating tip: remember me?

2007-09-14T11:48:00.000-07:00

hi you guys. one former staple of this blog was the friday dating tip. i haven't been single for some time and other than movie nights and things like dinner at a restaurant, have done almost no (or literally no) "dating" for long enough to make me forget how to actually do it. however, several of my single friends are in the midst of trying to be single in san francisco. though it was named the best city in america in which to be single, i feel that many would disagree. i believe it's relatively easy to get drunk and french people or wink at people on the bus or whatever, but that could pretty much happen anywhere and doesn't really mean that you're doing any dating. you could do both of those things and still be single.

if you are single and are trying to be a dater, a few things come into play. one of them is internet stalking. it's a key part of trying to get to know someone better, whether they're someone you've yet to meet or someone you've met and just want to explore further without actually talking to them. with sites like google (have you heard of it?) and myspace (the most 12 yr old thing ever invented that's mainly utilized for adult hooking up aka networking), it's relatively easy to find out what people are like. are they single? do they like mariah carey? do their friends like to wish them happy st. patrick's day with a flashy leprechaun graphic? all important things to know about someone. if you've never met the person you want to date, it's also a good way to find out if you happen to know anyone in common who could introduce you and help the frenching/dating get underway.

the only problem about internet stalking is that it might make you nuts. like if you really like someone and you're digging around on their myspace page or on the interwebs, you might come across something that could be misconstrued. like this one time, i thought this boy i reeeally liked had a child and was a killer. i was sort of disheartened for while. but then i got to know that person better and realized i was very wrong, so sometimes the in person stalking is better, ya know?

More Japanese T-shirts

2007-09-11T18:43:00.000-07:00

Back by popular demand, more Japanese T-shirts. These don't have quite the same impact of "Violation Hamburger." But they're fun in their own way.

Which smiled? Every smiled.

Worried about going deaf? Stop worrying.

I find this one strangely morbid.

thirsty tape worms?

2007-09-11T17:49:00.001-07:00

i was just gchattering with a pal who sometimes lets me see him with no pants on. if you know what i mean. anyhoo, he was telling me that he's consumed much water today, as well as a cup of tea or two. despite being rather liquidy today, he has yet to pee since this morning. i am no web MD, so i was not sure how to diagnose this. my only contribution was that perhaps he might have a tape worm which only drinks water. does this exist?

best thing on earth

2007-09-11T16:28:00.001-07:00

You know you're one of my top bros, bro, because you got my back. And I got yours. You're my bro. But you went above and beyond the other night, bromaldehyde. You really did. Saving me that seat at the Velvet Revolver show, even though all those other bros were trying to get up front, bro? So clutch.

You are truly a god among bros.

Just when I think you're as solid as a bro can get, you raise the very definition of brodom to new heights. You're like a brogle, soaring to the farthest reaches of the atbrosphere. Seriously. If it weren't for you and your extreme brobility to hook a bro up when it is most croosh, I'd have been stuck in some bitch-ass seat, cramped all in the corner with a bunch of bitch-asses, bro. But you stepped up. You brovercame all obstacles to help a bro out. This is the kind of shit that makes bros for life.

read more.

lil' bomarr

2007-09-07T17:07:00.000-07:00

you guys have got to listen to our pal bomarr's super dope remix of lil' mama's lipgloss.
check it out!

i know what i'm getting julie for hanukkah

2007-09-07T13:27:00.000-07:00

link
thanks gary tj!

Violation hamburger

2007-09-06T03:19:00.000-07:00

Best thing about traveling through Japan so far: the English language T-shirts. It's a style I like to call "fit in as many cool American words whether or not they make sense." Least favorite thing, so effing expensive.

Here's a prime example:

In case you can't read that jumble it says: "Violation hamburger rhyme island hamburger it will make you crazy and being insanity." I was going to buy this shirt, but it was forty-eight dollars.

"big" smile's

2007-09-05T14:07:00.001-07:00

just want to share these two blogs that have put a big smile on my face this afternoon. first we have the "blog" of "unnecessary" quotation marks

that sweet blog then lead me to Apostrophe Abuse which is full of great nerdy fun, too!

butt sweat

2007-08-30T17:14:00.000-07:00

i go to the gym in what equates to pajamas. they're stretchy and black and usually smell (bad). last night after i went to the gym i pondered something. how come when i used to go sit there reading books while my mom worked out, did people wear things like this.

i'm just one of those people who prefers not to have things shoved up my butt while i'm doing other things. what i mean is, if you're going to shove something up your butt (i'm not saying i do), it's usually for that one purpose. like enemas, butt sex, colon doctor things, etc. not like, "i'm at the gym AND i want something up my but." it almost appears in this photo that it's a picture of a front. the front of a woman with either a very dark complexion or one who forgot to go to the waxer and opted for the ever popular legging underneath.

back to the point, why did people ever wear these to the gym?

skeletor petrelli

2007-08-30T14:28:00.000-07:00

um, is someone manorexic? also, is hayden 45 years old? WTF did the cast do over the summer besides age drastically?

nugget of the week: ryan donowho

2007-08-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

good god, get ready for a jizz fest. you may remember mr. donowho (that cannot be his real last name) from a little show many of us hold near and dear, the OC. ryan played johnny harper, the ill-fated surfer/babe/friend of marissa cooper. good lord i'm in love.

anyway, ryan is the lead in an upcoming indie film "the pacific and eddy" which was a winner at the sacramento, silverlake and lake county film festivals. from the trailer (below) it looks like the movie could probably be painful and pretentious, but i don't give a rat's ass. seeing ryan inhale cigarette smoke while contemplating life's little torments gives me a girl boner from here to new york city. speaking of which, a little known factoid about this nugget: he was discovered playing drums in an nyc subway. now i'm officially in love.

thanks shannon

early burn eclipses... uh... the eclipse.

2007-08-28T14:59:00.000-07:00

dude. man. fuck. you guys... the man caught on fire early. it was like an accident. or um arson or something.
check it out.
i realize that burning man is like the pinnacle of spirituality for a shit ton of people but since i'm not one of them i'd like to give the arsonist a solid hi-fiver for making me laugh my ass off this afternoon.

(thanks grizz)
(photo from laughing squid)
(namaste)

Drill Squad says goodbye to NY

2007-08-26T20:06:00.000-07:00

As my time in New York draws to a close, I’ve been going through all my stuff to throw it out or ship it back to California. As I sadly emptied my shelves over the weekend, I came across a pad with some little stick figures on it that made me smile.

I decided to take these little fellas out for old-time’s sake, give them a tour of Manhattan, and give ol' NYC a proper goodbye.

Drill Squad hangs out in Union Square.

Drill Squad visits the Chrysler building.

Drill Squad stops to say hello to the UN.

And last but not least, Drill Squad joins the tourists in Times Square.

Gettin' hungry?

2007-08-24T14:57:00.000-07:00

If only I could write ads like this one. I am SO going to this place if I'm ever in Oklahoma.

Get into the spirit...

2007-08-23T13:00:00.001-07:00

... of boners.

You'll all be very excited to know that you can now make your OWN remix of the Viva Viagra song. Have fun!

While working on the Viagra account, they never once let me include the word "boners." Seems like a real lost opportunity there.

chuckletown

2007-08-23T11:11:00.000-07:00

My two favorite Steves, Carrell and Colbert, make me smile and feel all warm inside. Is that because I'm nauseated or in love? I vote to give them permanent nugget of the week status.

Arm Spirit Recall

2007-08-23T10:53:00.000-07:00

this article is seriously cracking me up. looks like several japanese men have suffered broken arms from arm spirit, a new arm wrestling arcade game.
"The machine isn't that strong, much less so than a muscular man. Even women should be able to beat it," said a company spokesperson.
i really hope it's the french maid breaking all of those arms.

vh1 is aces

2007-08-23T10:31:00.000-07:00

so i have cable now. i am kind of obsessed with vh1. first of all, it's hilarious and trainwrecky. secondly, the men on all of the shows i love are so douchey but awesomely amazing. there are several shows worth pointing out.

first of all, rock of love, starring bret michaels. since the days of "look what the cat dragged in" he's become way more hillbilly and also plastic in the face. he frenches hookers and porn stares while trying to find love and also paaaaaaaaaaaartying. they have shows called "show me your hits" and "riff it good." despite her pink porcupine hair, i'm rooting for jessica.

then we have the pick up artist. this dude mystery and his wing men matador and j-dawg try to teach nerdy virgins how to score in bars in austin. i mean...it's tough because on one hand you're like "homie, you are uncomfortable." but then on the other you're like "how on fugging earth are you taking advice from a dude with amelia earhart goggles on his head and a janet jackson choker around his neck." he offers up gambits and negs in order to help them open sets. your guess is as good as mine. but it's great.

then they have rock life which is like idiot porn or something. like if you had a douche fettish. it's all these rich fucking a-holes running around LA with no shirt on being fuck heads. it is entirely awful but i keep watching it. and cisco adler, roy orbison's kid and some fuckin nerd with halloween hair make up whitestarr, the worst band ever. they're like if the black crowes died and the maggots who ate them formed a band.

beyond these, there is man band and that scott baio show, which i've never seen, but i'm sure they're both awesers.

Douchebag of the Week: C.T. Martin

2007-08-23T10:02:00.000-07:00

+

=

Under a newly proposed amendment by an Atlanta city councilman, C.T. Martin, baggy pants that show boxer shorts or thongs would be illegal under the city's indecency laws.

According to an AP report "the amendment states that sagging pants are an "epidemic" that is becoming a "major concern" around the country.

"Little children see it and want to adopt it, thinking it's the in thing," Martin said Wednesday. "I don't want young people thinking that half-dressing is the way to go. I want them to think about their future."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. good luck with that one. you know the ACLU is all up in the shit. the dirty south better rise up an protest. thongs and boxes for everyone!

douchey halloween

2007-08-17T12:58:00.000-07:00

i think i finally found a halloween costume i can live with. part office dork, part TOTALLY PUNK. anyone wanna guess who this is supposed to be?

i don't have balls

2007-08-17T11:21:00.000-07:00

apparently some dogs get neutered. that means their nuts get chopped off. in order for dogs not to feel less manly (dogly?), they sometimes stick into their empty scrotums these things called neuticals. i was in search of some more information aka funny pictures when i came across these:

i guess this is a neutical. it kind of looks more like a albino embryo, but i perhaps i'm wrong. i also found this photo which leads me to believe that not only can dogs feel less manly, but they can also feel sad when in the hospital. nothing can cure that sadness other than a weird e.t. doll who looks more like a penis than anything else.

and this makes me think about how weird people are. i guess it's commonly assumed that dogs are for boys and cats are for girls. that's a generalization, but i can't even imagine feeling the need to put plastic jellybeans in my cat's nutsack. would any girl ever do that? i guess boys would be sad if their balls got got so they feel bad chopping off their dogs' nards. so weird.

this song should open every movie

2007-08-16T13:20:00.000-07:00

i absolutely love aqua teen hunger force and this song is the perfect embodiment of all that is great about that show. random but genius.

i have tropical depression

2007-08-14T12:54:00.000-07:00

i'm supposed to go to puerto rico this weekend. should i pack sunscreen or four-by-fours?

presents for your mouth hole

2007-08-09T17:25:00.000-07:00

i realized today why this is my favorite candy:

it's because it tastes like this:

and unlike jagermeister, you can enjoy it at work.

doggy style

2007-08-06T11:10:00.001-07:00

i know that last week there was some chatter regarding the viva viagra commercial that audrey worked on. different people likely have different thoughts on how catchy, awesome or anything else that the commercial may be. even best week ever had to weigh in this week. these dogs obviously have their own thoughts on it:

ONLY 19 MORE DAYS!

2007-08-06T11:06:00.000-07:00

you guys, it's coming quick. the san francisco renaissance fair is almost here. they have jousting, actors, juggling, and great shopping. i was planning on going to los angeles to give a dear friend bday hugs, but i am going to cancel so that i can be raped and pillaged.

getting freaky with you, all silky like

2007-08-03T14:35:00.000-07:00

i must start off by thanking my dear friend laurin for sending me to silk's myspace page where my ears were blessed with the sounds of slow jam galore, freak me baby (song four). you see, last sunday morning, while cleaning the camp ground we were occupying, i burst into song with this little ditty.

it all started out in 10th grade when for some reason my mom was OK with me frequenting a certain underage dance club called illusions in newport beach. this led to many nights of a body suit clad erin getting "freaky" with boys who smelled like the beach and vodka. and on other nights they smelled like drakkar noir or cool water and wore construction boots. that was actually the difference between summer 1992 and early 1993, when this song came out. literally, 15 years old, freaking some gross guy while singing in my head "i wanna play with your body baby, make you real hot." wtf?

i'll be the first one to admit that i was one prude 15 yr old. no one but me was undoing my bodysuit snaps or licking me up and down. i wonder how old this girl is:

Douchebag of the Week: Bible Fox

2007-08-02T16:38:00.000-07:00

Did you ever want to change the look of your web browser to compliment your love of the lord? Well look no further because the geniuses at Firefox have come up with a nifty way to search the web and honor thy father all in one fail swoop. Introducing Bible Fox. I guess I should really give Douchebag of the week to the designer, Bodizzle, but you get the idea. Vom.

ad mania: subtlety is key

2007-08-02T14:47:00.000-07:00

i'm in a commerical posting mood. this one is hilarious! audrey, tell me you didn't work on this campaign too???

WTF of the week: viva viagra

2007-08-02T12:13:00.000-07:00

this is a national commercial people. for the love of...

Laying Low

2007-08-02T06:59:00.000-07:00

Don't mess with Agnes.

holy hippopotamus

2007-07-31T09:37:00.000-07:00

this one is a serious smiler!

mo' better blues

2007-07-31T09:36:00.000-07:00

what happened to this insanely cute little nugget butt, mo rocca? i was watching a dvr'ed episode of the iron chef america this morning at 6:12 a.m. and he was a judge. i miss him. where did he go? can anyone tell me? will he come back during the next presidential election?

the gallery of dong

2007-07-26T14:36:00.000-07:00

thursday afternoons are usually that point in the week where gchat conversations get even more ridiculous than usual as our brains slowly spiral into end-of-the-week uselessness. to illustrate my point, i give you: the gallery of dong. lindsay and i compiled these illustrations during an entire afternoon of extremely, um, hard working. please add any of your own creations! and yes... we are 12.

THE GALLERY OF DONG

<===8
Lefty dong

8===>
Righty dong

8+++>
Vertabrae dong

8###>
Hairy dong

8))))>
Uncircumcised dong

8===>** * *
Spluge dong

When dongs attack…

8===> <===8
Swordfight

8==> <======8
unfair swordfight

8===> :) <===8
double dong action

:O <===8
open wide

8=/ /==>
Bobbitt dong

hair faces.

2007-07-26T13:44:00.001-07:00

stephanie and her professorial beard.

lindsay with a hybrid abe lincoln beard.

erin with a trash stache. (so gross, for real)

Go back to making cookies and building toys

2007-07-26T11:38:00.000-07:00

How do things like my headphones and my necklaces managed to get so tangled up with each other by doing nothing but sitting in my bag??

There’s only one logical explanation: the Tangle Elves.

Goddamn those little guys.

beards and crap.

2007-07-25T14:27:00.001-07:00

if you like dudes with beards along with rap tunes, please watch this amazing video. it is a kanye west video featuring songster will oldham and comedier zach galifianakis. i don't know much, but i know i think this is way better than the original video for this song that sounds like every other kanye song ever invented. you can look at that one you utoob.

p.s. stephanie, i sent this to matt before he saw it. crazy, huh!?

Ottoman-rape gets political

2007-07-25T11:40:00.000-07:00

Through my half-asleep fog on my couch last night, I thought I saw The Daily Show do a hilarious take off on the famous Youtube Ottoman-rape. Unsure that it had actually occurred, I went online today to see if I could find the video. I fond it, but I can't embed it on the blog, so you’ll have to go here to see it. Scroll down to the “Political Trend Setting” video and then scroll forward to minute 1:28 to see The Daily Show correspondents show us what could happen when the youth of Youtube meets the political arena of the democratic debate.

East Brother Light Station: This Weds!

2007-07-24T11:36:00.000-07:00

tomorrow night a few of our sweet pals (quarbs/mott/frankie) are playing a show at the uptown in oakland! definitely check it out!

Words of comfort

2007-07-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

Immediately following the pipe explosion and steam blast that rocked midtown last Wednesday, many New Yorkers were concerned it was terrorism. But Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg comforted us all, explaining: “There is no reason to believe this is anything other than a failure of our infrastructure.”

This is supposed to make us feel better? Nope, no terrorists, but the foundation on which this city has stood for the past hundreds of years is now failing. Not just failing, but exploding, apparently.

Frankly, I’m amazed that this city functions at all. With pipes and tunnels dating back to the 1800’s being used by millions and millions of people daily, I’m surprised we don’t have crazy explosions every day. I’m surprised the traffic lights continue to change from red to green.

Every time I turn on my faucet, I rejoice in the minor miracle that water comes out.

shape shifter

2007-07-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

fergie makes my skin hurt. and also my brain. i kind of don't understand how her brain must feel on the inside. being a girl who likes clothes and haircuts, i've gone through my fair share of phases. like in 10th grade when i wore a grey bodysuit with huge jeans and weird man construction boots (i don't know what that phase was called), or in 11th grade when i only wore my boyfriend's or dad's clothes, or 12th grade when i only shopped at savers, the best store ever invented (r.i.p.). but fergie is like that times a million. first she was a chick chick on kids incorporated (i loved her, totally wanted to be her).

then she was a ho bag with big fake tits in that magical singing sensation, wild orchid. the sisters with voices gone porno, if you will.

and then a few years later she's back but with brown skin, an eyebrow ring and some shitty fashion gear. and she's a rapper sort of. or something. i wonder if the other black eyed peas will burn in "cred" hell. i wonder. so i got cable, ya know? and this morning i was watching vh1 and i see peter petrelli (yum) with tattoos in bed with this chihuahua. wuff wuff, fergs. she's so gross. and why is she dressed like a rodeo clown hobo but tighter? it's wierd.

don't you think she must be confused? i would be. oh and that song fucking sucks. but this RULES. i can't stop watching.

Michael E. Northrup

2007-07-19T15:33:00.000-07:00

it's thursday afternoon. perfect time for some procrastination. check out michael northrup's odd and beautiful photographs to kill some time.

Panic in Manhattan

2007-07-19T11:40:00.001-07:00

Living in New York can be scary, especially when pipes explode next to your building.

Was anyone else part of the mayhem in midtown yesterday?

(Pictures from the NY Times)

Somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees

2007-07-18T07:37:00.000-07:00

I have to agree with Laurin about the Flight of the Conchords. It’s the funniest show to ever come out of New Zealand (also the only, but don’t worry about that). It makes me all the more happy that Time Warner fucked up our cable for the last few months so now, after Cate gave them a good talking to, we get free HBO. Including… HBO on Demand. Which is pretty much the best thing ever in the entire world ever. Ever.

But, for those of you that don’t have HBO (because possibly you have something more exciting to do with your life than watch cable), you can enjoy many of the highlights online. Like this song…

Think about it.

three word review: evening

2007-07-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

bourgeois summer's eve.

i'm not going to lie, the hilary duff edition

2007-07-17T09:05:00.000-07:00

1. i think hilary duff is sort of (sorry about the use of this word) sexy.
2. somehow that is highlighted by the video below. it's not the princess jasmine outfit, it's not the belly dancing, i think it's the way she makes the camera talk to the hand.
3. i thought, in some strange inverted universe sort of way, that she slightly dedouched the madden.
4. i can't stop watching this video.
5. i sort of love this song.
6. i need someone to come punch me in the face.
EDIT: somehow, dick clark productions removed all videos of her on that awesome show, so you think you can dance. i mean, the actual music video is actually more entertaining because the dude is hot and her face decorations are more elaborate.

do any of my good friends notice her mini/baby hoodie? do you now see how ahead of trends i am? face!

How to make friends in Queens

2007-07-17T07:34:00.000-07:00

It can be hard to meet people in this big city of ours. Even at the sandy, neon-palm treed oasis of Water Taxi Beach.

But Saturday night I learned a new trick to making lots of friends – all it takes is a cowboy hat, a good pal and a hula-hoop. observe:

(The background comments are the best part, especially those made by the Videographer, a one Mr. Shankman)

also this weds!

2007-07-16T15:39:00.000-07:00

Telephone Jim Jesus, Somehow at Sea and Newageynofriends live in SF on wednesday @ Madrone. Newagey and our pal Quarterbar play the jams in between sets, too.

bomarr @ laszlo this weds!

2007-07-16T15:04:00.001-07:00

Just don't ink prematurely

2007-07-13T08:25:00.001-07:00

Granted, I’ve been a little obsessed with creatures of deep recently since I’ve been viewing the BBC’s Blue Planet series on Netflix, but when my roommates told me about the giant squid that washed up in Tasmania this week, I had to check it out.

Fabulous though the pictures are and the fact that it this find will contribute so much to scientific study, etc. etc., my favorite part of the story is: “Scientists suspect that the wounds were the result of a raucous sexual encounter.”

I’d like to introduce a new phrase into our lexicon: squid style. As in, “Dude, I’m so sore today, we did it crazy squid style last night.”

Just be careful when attempting squid style though, you don’t wanna end up like this guy:

Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Mmm mmm mmm – Calamari for everyone!

oh yeah, and this:

2007-07-12T17:10:00.000-07:00

today is the greatest day because i will go to zeitgeist

2007-07-12T17:02:00.001-07:00

anyone who knew me when i was 17-20 had to look at billy corgan's arguably funky looking face plastered all over my walls. if they were unfortunate enough to know me during those years, they probably had to endure a lot of fan dorky conversations about the smashing pumpkins. for those who know me now, i have pretty much not changed at all and they too have to pretend like i'm their little sister at the mall and not a 30 year old with a job. anyway, all of this aside, if you've looked at the internet over the past several months, you know that "the smashing pumpkins" are back together. i'm not quite buying this, as i don't see no d'arcy and i don't see no james, but whatever. i actually find their new single to be quite awesome, they've picked a great artist to design the cover artwork and the record shares a name with my favorite bar, where i will be sitting within the hour.

i was just looking at the interwebs and found this:

i remember staying up "late" to watch this when i was in high school. i remember enjoying every minute of billy's snaggly teeth. back then i was 17. now i'm 30 and now he's 40:

Spoon me

2007-07-12T12:08:00.000-07:00

Last night I waiting in the pouring rain among hundreds of die-hard fans for Spoon to play at Rockefeller Park. I’m not such a die-hard fan, I just don’t mind the rain so much. But it was definitely worth the wait, they put on an awesome show.

Hooray for New York summers and all the free concerts! My plan is to see as many as possible.

Here's the movie I took last night. The shot's not the best, but you can hear how great they sounded, even through the blanket-like humidity and intermittent rain.

nugget of the week: pat kiernan

2007-07-12T10:40:00.000-07:00

The second season of VH1's World Series of Pop Culture started this week and with it my renewed love for tv personality and deadpan host, Pat Kiernan. I love this guy. His smile and dry sense of humor has me coming back for more. Well, that and the actually competition. Who's down to try out for Season Three? I need to meet this little nugget in person!

twins

2007-07-09T09:44:00.000-07:00

playing the celeb twin game is a favorite hobby of mine. so many laughs to be had. so many laughs when the weird doppelganger is not you. and your celeb twin is not an ugly man. well, a couple of days ago my manpal found a real winner of a celeb twin for yours truly. i tried to deny it at first, but it's just too fucking true and funny. that's right. i am a young tom petty.
motherfucker.

Yeah. Whatever, Audrey.

2007-07-06T19:30:00.000-07:00

You and your big, fancy New York fireworks. I'll have you know that all of you east coasters missed out BIG time this year. These are what I felt to be the highlights from last wednesday's show, as seen from a rooftop in the glorious Tenderloin. You might wanna put some shades on, guys.

4th of July from stephstill and Vimeo.

air douche

2007-07-06T14:07:00.000-07:00

a few weeks ago me and some pals went to bfd, a very live douchery put on by live 105. i was excited to see such acts as queens of the stoneage and interpol. it was a shame that by the time they played my 216 ounces of bud light had worn off and also, i was being perpetually pelted by trash. it was awesome. here are two highlights.

in this video we see a man doing what i call the "air douche." he is lassoing, doing air fish (like out of a window of a car), smacking dat ass and other hand motions. all to the beat of what is actually a really good band! who knew?

and here we have matt's best friend and hopefully the father of some alternateen who was losing her frenching virginity while sum 41 was playing

and from the back:

in honor of america week

2007-07-06T10:36:00.000-07:00

I was in the gym the other day and what comes on the CNN classics channel...none other than the hot shit 80s show American Gladiators. This moment in television glory holds a dear place in my heart. The show was amazing--horrible and embarrassing, yes--but you couldn't help but love it for all its douchey glory. Nothing says American prowess more than a bunch of roided up body builders with names like Malibu, Vulcan, Wolf, Blaze competing in ridiculous costumes and fighting in hilarious battles of tug-o-war, powerball and whiplash. I'm totaling putting together a petition to bring this show back!

The above video is the Season One intro clip. It is painful. Honestly I think it was produced by mentally challenged 5 year olds. I mean the audio doesn't even match the visual for eff's sake. I don't think you could find a better example of why this show was simultaneous horrible and brilliant than this.

m.s.b.

2007-07-05T11:31:00.000-07:00

on tuesday evening, we ended up driving through the marina. given that it was the night before the fourth of july it was essentially a friday, so the douche crew was out in full effect. this was especially true outside a mysterious establishment called M.S.B. we immediately understood that it was the Marina Sushi Bar, however, what if we were not so smart and intuitive? what if we were left to fill in the initialized blanks on our own? well, we decided to do just that and came up with the following list of possible names for the tentatively monikered M.S.B.

My Shitty Boyfriend
Mystery Syphilis Bumps

Massive Sutures Bleeding
Moist Sweaty Balls

Mangled Soiled Bologna

Mangina Smeared (with) Banana

Mongolian Sucky BBQ

Mucho Sucky Bitchface

My Sore Bagina

Monkies Stumpy Butthole

Man Soaked Baguette

anyone have anything else to add?

Happy 4th of July Hangover Day

2007-07-05T08:36:00.001-07:00

If there's any of you out there that managed to NOT see fireworks last night, here's a quick recap. These are what I felt to be the highlights from last night's show, as seen from a rooftop in the East Village. I edited music over it so you can't hear all our beer-induced dorky comments like "dude - who invented that Saturn one?" (The Saturn fireworks are pretty damn cool though).

“How rude.”

2007-07-02T14:30:00.000-07:00

It’s hard enough to watch your little childhood heroes grow up and get breasts. It’s even harder when they grow up to get fake boobs.

Oh Stephanie Tanner, what happened to that little girl I once loved? I know, I know, it can be annoying when your TV little sister(s), Michelle(s), are anorexic and getting all the attention. Between you and the misguided Oslen twins, “Full House” has become a regular little slut factory.

I blame Uncle Jesse.

I feel the desire burning through my body

2007-06-29T06:53:00.000-07:00

This picture arrived in my email today. Must. Resist. Urge. To purchase. Keep the credit card in the pants, Audrey.

How does this company manage to make every new, inanimate product so incredibly sexy? I don’t just want to own an iPhone, I kind of want to hump it.

c.j.i.a.p.

2007-06-28T14:11:00.000-07:00

i cannot argue.

i just moved and this statement welcomed me to my new neighborhood. i love graffiti.

mark my words

2007-06-28T11:42:00.000-07:00

this trend is going to spread like wildfire

i hear ya, kid.

2007-06-27T11:43:00.000-07:00

thanks sweet blumby!

Dutchtub

2007-06-27T10:34:00.000-07:00

i often fantasize about how awesome it would be to have a hottub in my lil' backyard. perfect for relaxing, entertaining and trouble. today i stumbled upon the dutchtub, which i might consider purchasing if it wasn't 6k. maybe they include this scandinavian wood chopper in the price.

also looks like you can cook your kids in it when they're bad.

you're so beautiful, you could be a part-time model

2007-06-25T17:10:00.000-07:00

I wasn't quite sure what Flight of the Conchords was when HBO was promoting it around the end of Sopranos. Nothing in my mind could take the place of my mob boyfriend Tony, but much to my dismay it has quickly become my new obsession (next to grannies dancing) and I encourage all of you to watch it.

According to their site, "Flight of the Conchords follows the trials and tribulations of a two man, digi-folk band from New Zealand as they try to make a name for themselves in their adopted home of New York City. The band is made up of Bret McKenzie on guitar and vocals, and Jemaine Clement on guitar and vocals."

I've included a video from the pilot episode that made me giggle. There are many-a-cameo by another hipster comic, Eugene Mirman who made a name for himself as the opening act to a Modest Mouse tour. Ahh, hipsters and comedy....the pairing is so sweet.

Editors note: the show is even better with herbal enhancement.

walk it out, gurl

2007-06-25T15:23:00.000-07:00

I love this for many reasons, but mainly because it features hot old ladies in sweet 60s garb dancing it up. This is what I envision my golden years to look like. In some ways I wish my entire life could be choreographed. Alas, I just have to live out my fantasies by watching "So you think you can dance" over and over and over again on my DVR. Hope this brightens up your Monday.

'Duncan' the dog now a registered voter

2007-06-25T06:10:00.000-07:00

Trying to prove how easy it is to dupe the voter registration system, a Washington woman successfully registered her dog. She even had him sign it with a paw print. It took a pretty long time before anyone caught on.
Here's an excerpt:

Sure enough, the registration card arrived in the mail for "Duncan McDonald." Balogh had managed to get a registration for her Australian shepherd-terrier mix, no questions asked. "He's an independent, just like his mother," she said of her dog. Duncan filled out his ballot in September and signed it with a paw print. He didn't actually vote, but Balogh mailed his ballot to King County Elections. At first, there were still no questions being asked. "Nothing. I thought, 'what is going on here? This can't be true. Someone has to show an interest,'" Balogh said. An elections worker did show an interest in the next election. She called with questions about the signature. "She said, 'you can't sign with a paw.' I said, 'you can if you're a dog.' There was a long hesitation. She said, 'it's a dog?' I said 'yes,'" Balogh said.

Admiring feelings of a graceful lady

2007-06-24T15:41:00.000-07:00

Purchased this afternoon at a Brooklyn bodega:

Need a close up of that brilliant piece of copywriting?

Delish!

2007-06-21T18:49:00.000-07:00

Anyone wanna meet me for a quick bite?

sippin' on gin and jamba juice

2007-06-20T21:08:00.001-07:00

i've been a vegetarian for nine years and an alcoholic for even longer. and, while trying to make it through the disappointment that was "fur: an imaginary portrait of diane arbus," i formulated the most ingenious business venture for health conscious alcoholics (or maybe it's the alcohol talking). let's open a bar which serves bitchy frozen cocktails and gives patrons the option of adding supplement boosts.

for instance, right now, i would love a pina colada with a protein boost.

three word review: fur

2007-06-20T21:02:00.000-07:00

pile of poo.

rockstar chefs: a mission in stalking

2007-06-20T15:07:00.000-07:00

hi. this past weekend i went to aspen for the a food and wine festival. it was pretty much awesome. i am kind of a fan dork stalker by nature and in aspen, these instincts came out full force. you can see from the photos below that me and my camera felt right at home.

this is at a party on saturday night. that arrow is pointing to ilan hall who one the second season of bravo's top chef. he's wicked cute.

this is emeril signing some books with a lot of moms.

this is me and my friend amy. that guy behind us is the iron chef morimoto. he's about 3 feet tall and has shiny hair. this lady running the starbucks booth at the party took the picture for us.

this was taken from the audience at some auction i had to go to. that's bobby flay cooking some food and on the screen to the left is tom colichio who's the host on top chef. did you guys know how bro-y most chefs are? they also drink a lot, so i like them.

lastly and perhaps most importantly we have sam talbot, he got third place on the last season of top chef. he's this breed of guy who will make you want to hump air when strangers are around. he's tall and buff in an ok way and can wear a pink shirt without looking...um, uninterested in women. he also shaved his head and was free of offensive man jewelry. i had two very uncomfy encounters with him, but we managed to bond over his ex girlfriend with the same name is me. i can't imagine being one of those people who can make people strip on sight. how fun that would be. lucky sam.

Deal Breaker?

2007-06-19T10:09:00.000-07:00

Please, someone tell me who the hell thought it would be a good idea to have Celine Dion as Hillary's campaign song?

(thanks newagey)

mcLovin' it!

2007-06-18T10:35:00.000-07:00

i will be there on opening day. anything judd apatow does turns to solid gold! holla!

The best email from eBay ever.

2007-06-15T07:05:00.001-07:00

You have the read the product and the seller to enjoy this long dispute I had with eBay. Luckily, I won and am therefore “released from any obligations to bikercrap6130.”

You may be wondering why I was thinking of purchasing “Nipple Pasties Patriotic Hands” in the first place. It’s for our upcoming Red Neck, White Trash, Blue Collar 4th of July barbecue that the roomies and I are planning. (Think of the Tacky Holiday Sweater party, but for summer). However, I opted to not buy the hand-shaped pasties, I decided that the stars are much classier.

word from the unwise

2007-06-14T12:32:00.000-07:00

simple advice: don't run into an ex and then watch the bridge.

"Over the span of a year, director Eric Steel's cameras capture tormented souls attempting to commit suicide by leaping from San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge. Through poignant interviews with family, friends and eyewitnesses, the film reveals a common thread of depression, despair and chronic mental illness. This provocative documentary further reinforces the landmark's iconic legacy as the world's most popular suicide destination."

"Congratulations on not being sterile"

2007-06-14T08:03:00.000-07:00

If you haven’t already sent all your friends, enemies and family members a greeting from someecards, it’s time to start. They’re perfect for every occasion...

Every situation…

And just every day statements about life…

Going bananas

2007-06-13T12:44:00.000-07:00

Is there such a thing as eating too many bananas? Cause I'm on this "healthy snack" kick and I've gotten up to about three a day. Is that bad?

bombs over gay-dad

2007-06-12T16:03:00.000-07:00

Pentagon Confirms It Sought To Build A 'Gay Bomb'

(CBS 5) BERKELEY A Berkeley watchdog organization that tracks military spending said it uncovered a strange U.S. military proposal to create a hormone bomb that could purportedly turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals and make them more interested in sex than fighting.Pentagon officials on Friday confirmed to CBS 5 that military leaders had considered, and then subsquently rejected, building the so-called "Gay Bomb." for more...